4-MAT Confronting Without Offending Review PDF

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Confronting Without Offending Review

Justin Hayes Liberty University

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Confronting Without Offending Review Abstract In her book, Confronting Without Offending, Deborah Smith Pegues (2009) set forth the idea that the dealing with conflict is an inevitable aspect of interpersonal relationships and that one’s ability to adequately resolve said conflicts will affect the harmony and stability one feels in life. Every person is a world unto himself or herself and thus will respond to conflict in a specific way. Pegues (2009) states that, “Every offense has the potential to cause a permanent breach in a relationship” (ch. 1). If every offense is charged with such power as to cause a permanent division, then the art of confrontation must be developed in the life of everyone who would seek to take seriously the biblical mandate to live in peace, “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18, KJV). Open and honest communication in every relationship in key. Pegues (2009) states that, “Confrontation is godly and is mandated by the Lord; retaliation is ungodly and thus forbidden” (ch.1). Matthew 18:15 teaches that if someone is offended by their brother it is the responsibility of the one offended to initiate the process of confrontation, amends, and restoration, thus Pegues (2009) contends that confrontation is commanded by God and thus the refusal to confront when appropriate is in contradiction of God’s design and desire. As mentioned previously, confrontation is a means to restoration, where retaliation is a means to feel vindicated (Pegues, 2009). Pegues (2009) presents the four different confrontation and conflict management styles: (1) Dictator, (2) Accommodator, (3) Abdicator, and (4) Collaborator. Each of these styles are neither right or wrong or better or worse, however all four have their own specific strengths and weaknesses. The Dictator seeks to deal with conflict and confrontation according to his or her style and looks at confrontation as a win-or-loose situation (Pegues, 2009, ch. 3). The

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Accommodator seeks to allow the person with whom he or she has the conflict to have their way (Pegues, 2009). The Abdicator chooses to ignore the conflict and surrenders at the hint of trouble (Pegues, 2009). The Collaborator seeks to work with the other party to find a resolution where both parties are satisfied (Pegues, 2009). While the idea of confrontation might be daunting to consider, Pegues (2009) offers six practical strategies that one should put into practice to confront effectively. While all of the strategies are both practical and comprehensive, the one that stands out is speaking the right words. In said strategy, Pegues (2009) explains a method called the Sandwich Approach which “consists of bread, meat, and another piece of bread” (ch. 9). The bread stands for positive statements and affirmations with which one should start and end the confrontation, whereas the meat that divides the two slices of bread is the actual dealing with the conflict (Pegues, 2009). The author used an acronym to address the issue of who different personalities temperaments deal with conflict and confrontation. The acronym is an effort to allow the temperaments presented by Hippocrates to be easier understood and approachable to all (Pegues, 2009). The book ends with many relatable stories regarding how confrontations can be handled in family, work, and social situations. Concrete Response Roughly five years ago my family and I were in the United States on furlough visiting churches and family. My wife and I had, at that point, been on a seven-year journey of spiritual maturity and refocusing. We were Independent Baptist missionaries and were proponents of all that is implied with being such. We had our differences of opinion, however we were inclined to maintain the status quo. Through a series of events that God allowed us to go through, we began to ask questions and seek a more biblical and balanced approach to Christianity and ministry.

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We came to the conclusion that so much of what we did and believed was based on standards made by man and out of fear. We began to make changes in our lives while maintaining our doctrinal position. Some of those changes were not always met with acceptance by my parents. Normally through discussions they would be able to see our biblical reasoning for making those changes. I have to admit that at times I was incredibly frustrated by their responses. During our time on furlough we went to California to visit some churches and we stayed with my parents for a month. We had a great time, however on the last Sunday that we would be with them we visited a church that has supported us for years. The Pastor is a personal friend. I asked him what he would normally wear on Sunday as to follow his lead while the church. He told me that he wears a sport coat without a tie, so I followed suit. When I arrived at my parents’ house that evening, the next day we were leaving, my parents were ready to have a serious discussion about the slippery slope of not wearing a tie to church. My mom and I are very similar, we both tend to be dictators while my dad is more of an accommodator. Needless to say, that the conversation was long and ended poorly. The “Tie Confrontation” caused division in our relationship for several months, until I was willing to approach the subject again in order to restore the relationship. Ultimately, my parents were not so much concerned about the tie as they were the direction. I was able to fill them in on everything and restore our relationship and respect our differences. Reflection While I did appreciate that the author sought to approach conflict and confrontation from a biblical perspective, I do wish that some aspects of the book would be addressed. First and foremost, I feel that a simple reorganization of the contents would aid in the logical flow of the material covered and in the comprehension of said material. This would be a simple as switching

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the order of Part 2: Biblical Confrontation and Conflict Management Styles and Part 3: Strategies for an Effective Confrontation. By putting the chapters dealing with the styles of confrontation and conflict management just before the chapters dealing with the personality temperaments regarding confrontation would help the reader draw easier and more direct correlation between the styles and temperaments. I would have liked to see the author provide analysis regarding common combinations of confrontation styles and personality temperaments. The second aspect of the book that could have been better, in my opinion, is the depth at which some of the strategies for an effective confrontation are covered, more specifically Owning the Problem and Releasing the Offender. Taking ownership of offenses that we have caused and of the confrontations necessary when we have been offended is of utmost importance. Pegues (2009) states, “You must speak on your own behalf. You must explain how a person’s behavior has affected you or how you perceive the issue” (ch. 8). One of the marks of maturity is taking ownership. The other strategy that could have been covered with more profundity is Releasing the Offender. This is something that God calls us a Christians to do even though it is no natural for us to do (Pegues, 2009). Forgiveness is one of the commutable attributes of God that we must rely on the Holy Spirit to act upon, “Forgiveness is not a natural response to a hurt or an offense; forgiveness requires supernatural intervention” (Pegues, 2009, ch. 12). Action Every book that we read should lead us to take steps to apply the lessons that we have learned, and Confronting Without Offending is no different. In this section I would like to outline two steps that I will be taking and working on over the next six months. Action step number one is to fully study and understand the P.A.C.E. Personality Profiles. It is easy for me to know that my profiles are that of the Captain and the Engineer, however it is something altogether different

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to understand how profoundly these profiles effect my life and reactions in any given situation. By diving deep into understanding all of these personality profiles I will be able to identify and understand more adequately those with whom I serve in ministry. As a team leader, it is important for me to know where the different team members will best serve and how they will respond in certain situations, especially in stressful situations. This will also help me lead the church through conflictive situations that might arise between brothers and sisters in Christ. My progress will be marked by adequately identifying possible conflicts before they arise and my ability to help resolve said conflicts quickly if they cannot be avoided. My second action step will be to perfect the Sandwich Approach to resolving conflict with all those in my life. I am first a Captain, which means that I am task oriented instead of being people oriented (Pegues, 2009). I seek to accomplish the goal of finishing the task without considering the people that are involved. My second personality profile is that of the Engineer. I find myself more focused on the details of the daily function of the church and not on the experience of those in the church. Pegues (2009) states, “He must be a perfectionist…” (ch. 14), which means that I can be distant, cold, and more focused on maintaining order rather than on the people involved. If I am going to more appropriately deal with the interpersonal conflicts that will inevitably arise in the church and the ministry team I must perfect the Sandwich Approach. My ability to bookend the meat of the confrontation with positivity and affirmation will be evident in how those involved in the confrontation respond to my handling of the situation. I think that this brings us back around to being able to live according to the biblical mandate to, “…live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18, KJV).

References

CONFRONTING WITHOUT Pegues, D. S. (2009). Confronting Without Offending. [VitalSource Bookshelf 9.4.0]. Retrieved from vbk://9780736932561 Thomas Nelson. (1991). King James bible.

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