Final Paper - EDPS 315 PDF

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Final paper we had to write for the class...

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1 Running Head: FINAL PAPER

Final Paper – EDPS 315 Erica Sanford Purdue University

2 FINAL PAPER Final Paper Although I came into this course with strengths and experiences of a communicator and a leader, I had plenty of room to learn and improve my skills. I believe no matter how old and experienced I am, I will always have room to be better in these categories. While the strengths I had were there, I have had many areas of growth in my levels of empathetic listening and my emotionally intelligent leadership skills. With this growth, I also have many opportunities for future growth and have incorporated many specific goals with a plan of action on how to complete these as well. I hope to use what I have learned in this class in both my personal and professional life in the future and to also inspire and teach others to incorporate these valuable skills into their own lives as well. As someone who scores high on agreeableness and extraversion on any personality test, I have always thought of myself as a naturally good communicator. I am able to talk to varieties of different people and don’t find myself being shy to new people and new situations. With this, I believe I demonstrate a high consciousness of self [ CITATION Mar153 \l 1033 ]. I am very aware of my abilities, emotions and perceptions, along with also being aware of my weaknesses. I know that I can always improve in my leadership, communication and listening skills. In order to be an emotionally intelligent leader, it is crucial to be very self-aware and understand what you can bring to an organization or group, and also what you lack so that you are able to find ways or people who will compensate for that. This involves me constantly reflecting on my actions and really taking the feedback from my peers to heart and using it to better myself in any way I can. I also feel like I am a strong leader of many conversations. This involves reframing, listening and naming the dynamic throughout a conversation [ CITATION Dou105 \l 1033 ]. Reframing is a way to kind of ‘illuminate the way’ of where the conversation will go next and

3 FINAL PAPER change the mood if you feel that you don’t like where the tone of the conversation is heading. I like this method because I can use this in any situation, which is why it is so helpful. In order to do this successfully though, I must make the person feel heard and understood first. This is done by actively listening to what they say, persistently [ CITATION Dou105 \l 1033 ]. Lastly, if this doesn’t work, I find naming the dynamic is the last resort to saving a difficult conversation from blowing up. This involves just clearing the air and putting everything out on the table on how both parties honestly feel and figuring out the best way to compromise or problem solve. I feel as if I came into this class with entry level strengths of these skills and further strengthened them by becoming aware of these strengths and using them consciously to become a better leader and listener for all situations[ CITATION Dou105 \l 1033 ]. Throughout this course, I have found myself truly growing better at communication, leadership and being able to empathetically listen to those around me. I believe with each reading and activity; I have been able to actively practice and learn about different tactics and skills that I can develop to interact effectively with those around me in a variety of instances. A specific skill that has really became strong with me throughout this class is demonstrating citizenship [ CITATION Mar153 \l 1033 ]. This can be involve “being an active, contributing, and responsible member of a group or community.”[CITATION Mar153 \p 179 \l 1033 ] Citizenship is too often confused with being a good person, which is how I thought about it as well before taking this class. Citizenship is, instead, recognizing that being a leader or even a group member of an organization is about being a part of something much bigger than yourself. This can mean that you must set aside your personal interests in order to better the group outcome. This has given me a much bigger and better perspective when considering myself in my extracurricular activities here at Purdue. By being a part of a club such as my Pre-Dental club, I must realize that

4 FINAL PAPER in order to be an emotionally intelligent leader to those around me, I must always demonstrate citizenship when creating activities for our meetings and picking content to discuss. Even though we all have the same goal of going into a dental profession, which is a competitive field, we each have something unique to bring to the group that can help us all achieve our goals. Whether it’s a new set of information, a unique experience, a specialized opinion, we have something that could influence or impact our group in a positive way. I believe that finding a way to bring these distinctive traits in each member will make the organization thrive and live up to its greatest potential. In spite of the fact I have grown greatly throughout this course, I do think I still have many areas that need future growth and improvement. One of the most prominent ones would be “The Blame Frame.” [CITATION Dou105 \p 64 \l 1033 ] When in arguments with others about something I am upset about, I constantly put blame on the other person without thinking about my own place in this situation. It is almost always true that difficult conversations stem from something each person did [ CITATION Dou105 \l 1033 ]. This mindset sometimes escapes me when I get frustrated with someone’s actions and I don’t think to myself, isn’t it also my fault that I am sensitized to this behavior or that I am feeling upset about this? Without thinking this way, I can set up a conversation for failure because simply no one wants to feel attacked or fully responsible for someone’s anger. Along with this blame, I also can sometimes exaggerate with “always” and “never” like in the instance of “You never make me feel like you care” or “You always leave the food out when I have asked you not to.” This exaggeration can set the whole mood for the conversation without meaning to. Although I know that this is an exaggeration and it doesn’t seem like a big deal for me to say, it can really hurt the other person and immediately make them react defensively, which will not solve any issues. This problem is easily solved by

5 FINAL PAPER instead of exaggerating my point of view of their behavior, instead, I should give them words of encouragement along with what I am upset about in this specific instance. This can create a much better path of conversation to both parties coming to a mutual agreement and seeing ‘eye to eye.’ With these areas of growth, I have specific goals to become a more empathetic listener, especially in arguments where I believe I am in the right while the other person is wrong. My first goal is to make sure I do not put blame on any party. Instead, I want to approach the conversation in an unbiased way. I can do this by first learning their story before I share my thoughts or feelings on the matter. If I let my emotions and frustrations cause me to spew out blame, especially blame that is exaggerated, mutual understanding is almost impossible to achieve. I also have the goal to find a solid sequence of steps that will make sure that I am able to effectively listen and understand the feelings of others so that both of us feel understood at the end of the conversation, rather than it being one sided. Lastly, I have the goal of remembering and learning that people do not change and I have to just let them be who they are and accept them for who they are, in order to not feel surprised and upset when they continue to act and react the same way they have the entire time I have known them. A relationship is able to really mature when I am able to do this and no longer organize my life around it [ CITATION Mic092 \l 1033 ]. In a recent fight with my roommate, I said out of frustration “You never do the dishes and you always leave your dishes in the sink” which isn’t quite true but was simply said out of frustration with hopes to get my emotions across that I was upset with her lack of helping with the dishes. In my plan of action for my goal of no longer placing blame, I must first let the person explain their side of the story and actively listen. Then, I must communicate my feelings effectively without letting myself get caught up in the heat of the moment, but instead take a step

6 FINAL PAPER back and rephrase my thoughts and feelings in an encouraging way to the person I am upset with, asking for them to behave in a different way with positive reinforcement rather than harsh blame [ CITATION Dou105 \l 1033 ]. Instead, I should have said to my roommate, “Although I know you take out the trash pretty frequently, I would also appreciate if you unloaded the dishwasher and put your dishes away more often.” Another action plan I have on certain areas of growth I would like to focus on is to really incorporate ‘Responsive Learning’ into difficult conversations or arguments [ CITATION Mic092 \l 1033 ]. This is done by following five very simple steps that Nichols lists in his book that I think are very straight on concepts. Step one is to ensure that if I detect there is going to be an argument, I should ensure that I concentrate on listening to the other person’s emotions first. Step two is for me to verbally invite the other person to really share their genuine thoughts, feelings and what they think would solve the problem. Step three is to repeat and summarize the other persons position and then following up to step four, which is to ask the other person if my perspective on their position is correct. Then lastly, I need to decide when my response would be most appropriate, rather than just spewing it out right away. Evaluating if I should let things calm down for a day, or maybe even just 15 minutes could completely change the outcome of the conversation [ CITATION Mic092 \l 1033 ]. I also think that after sharing my thoughts and feelings, it is best to ask the other person to paraphrase what I am saying and feeling back to me so I can ensure that they also understand where I am coming from and where I stand. With incorporating these five easy steps into difficult conversation I find myself in, I feel as if I will really grow as a communicator and an empathetic listener and make drastic improvement to the outcome of difficult conversations I may have to take part in, in both my personal and professional life. By making sure the focus of my attention is how the other person feels, taking time to then gather my thoughts and feelings to share and making sure the

7 FINAL PAPER other person really knows what I am thinking and feeling, I will be able to not place as much harsh and exaggerative blame on others. Lastly, Nichols really says it best when he states, “Once you accept that people are who they are, you can stop trying to change them – and stop overreacting when they do what they’ve always done.” [CITATION Mic092 \p 192 \l 1033 ] This has always been a hard concept for me. I feel as if I am a very agreeable person and always look for the same traits in those around me, but sometimes that just is not the case. I think this is one of the hardest lessons in communication because there isn’t a textbook definition on how to solve this problem, it’s just simply to accept it and move on. Each one of us has a different psychological makeup and we learn not to overreact in different ways, so I must discover the best way for me to accept those who I care about for who they are, and then our relationship will strengthen because of it. I think the best way for me personally to achieve this, is to just breathe, take a step back when need be and remind myself that not everyone thinks like me, not everyone cares like me and not everyone has the same knowledge and experience as me. In day to day life, we sometimes get caught up in the idea that we all are the same. This is because we live in a society where everyone wants to the same and be similar in order to ‘fit in.’ But with this, we often forget that we are all unique for a reason and we must accept our differences and look past them in order for us to all interact and get along effectively. In conclusion, this class has exceeded my expectations more than I could have every imagined. With each reading assignment, lecture, class activity and the projects we completed, I was able to learn so many skills and learn so much about myself in the process. I was also very lucky to have gotten close with my classmates and learned so many lessons about diversity and the different ways they interpret things that I have never thought about before. I hope to continue to use these skills for years and years to come, and to share the knowledge I have learned with

8 FINAL PAPER many people I will come in to contact with. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity to become a better communicator, leader and empathetic listener.

References

9 FINAL PAPER Nichols, M. P. (2009). The Lost Art of Listening. New York: The Guilford Press. Shankman, M. L., Allen, S. J., & Haber-Curran, P. (2015). Emotionally Intelligent Leadership. San Franscisco : Jossey-Bass. Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2010). Difficult Conversations. New York: The Penguin Group....