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Practical Book Review: Why Don’t We Listen Better?

Cooper Davis

Liberty University

PACO 500

SUMMARIZE “Why Don’t We Listen Better?”, by James Petersen is a guide of sorts that allows the reader to develop their communication ability in many life situations. Something Petersen does well is pointing out the issues people have when communicating in everyday encounters. Then He proceeds to outline what needs to happen to overcome these issues and understand what causes communication breakdown. For example, He uses this flat-brain theory in the first section that illustrates how confused we get in stressful conditions, and why we have a problem listening to others and how we should go about it. Petersen concludes this first section by explaining how to avoid these types of situations. He even uses a poem to aid the reader in improving their listening techniques. In the second section, we see Petersen introduce us to a Talker-Listener card. It is a design that promotes dispute and idle banter in real dialogue. This resource helps people calm down, think clearly, and develop an understanding of the situation at hand (Petersen, 2007, p. 25). Petersen continues to explain how this card can be used to help discussion groups, families and couples improve their listening abilities. Section three continues to give techniques and skills to help in conversations. Petersen uses this term called, “come-alive communication”. This is a way for the reader to grasp how to listen better and improve their relationships. What Petersen does in this section alters how the reader looks into situations with anger or conflict. Giving advice and steps to take to communicate well in difficult cases. Petersen finishes the book by combining sections four and five with the final method. He combines the entire text to communicate how to have efficient communication. Not only does he conclude with how to have better communication, but he gives some examples for the reader to reference. He uses these examples to illustrate how to counter issues and people dealing with

miscommunication. So what? What do all of these sections even mean? This text is an excellent tool to further the reader's understanding of communication and how to do so effectively. It not only points out key components to bad communication but reveals how to eliminate these errors. It is a guide to successfully understand, listen, and speak into someone’s life or situations.

RESPOND The Me I See NOW While reading through this book I feel very convicted of how much I do not listen. I am typically a very argumentative person. Sometimes for the good, other times not so much. I seek out the truth, but sometimes I endanger a relationship in the process. While I have matured, I have learned more and more to control my tongue and to think before speaking. However, as I have continued to pursue ministry, there are times where disagreements will happen, and I have not listened as well as I have should. When reading this book, I have invested in thinking about how I can be a better listener. Petersen explains the need for listening throughout the whole book and it had me think of a recent situation where I did not successfully listen. With the temperature, our nation is in politically and morally I had a conversation with a co-worker. They were a very emotional thinking person, while I was more along the thought process of truth over feelings. The conversation was more focused on the rioting and looting that happened after the tragic death of George Floyd. I remember saying, “feelings do not matter when you start to tear apart a city over one person.” This was something that just came out without thought of my friend’s feelings experiences. I did not even give my friend a chance to speak without me spitting out my own opinion. Thankfully we were close enough to the point where I apologized for my actions of

speaking without properly thinking. This book revealed the mistake even more as I read through Petersen’s advice on communication. Petersen focuses on the listening part of communication more than any other topic. I paid too much attention to being right in the discussion, rather than listening. Petersen reminded me that to maintain even the toughest conversations, I need to listen. This has made me more self-conscious of even the smallest of discussions with friends of mine. Becoming a good listener may require me to take some of my personal beliefs, values, or points of view and shutting them in the top drawer of my desk [ CITATION Jam15 \l 1033 ]. This thought process would have helped me in my life example to fully understand where my friend was coming from in our conversation. However, I now can apply this to future conversations. There are going to be times where we pay more attention to what we have to say than listening and possibly learning from someone else. What was encouraging from this book is that even Petersen says that He is still learning. He continues to look back on these principles to help improve his communication skills. I now know the life journey of learning how to communicate has just begun, but I have more resources to look back on. The more practice the better I will become, and the more I communicate leaves opportunities to share these practical steps in communicating better. It all starts with a conversation and an open mind.

REFLECT The Me I Want to See SOON Good listening is something that everyone needs to grasp. Being able to absorb what the speaker is saying, proving that you are interested and listening, and giving the speaker feedback to show the message was received is how to do communicate well. Petersen explains this well when using the flat-brain theory (Petersen, 2015, p. 29). This illustrates why we find it difficult to hear others out, and why we end up in pointless arguments with those closest to us. The me I want to see soon is someone that listens more intentionally. The listening techniques Petersen provides, are ways for me to listen better and not miss important information when communicating with others. When it comes to my “ah-ha” moment, I look at the “talker-listener” card. (Petersen, 2015, p. 73) This approach to conversations helps develop communication in tough relationships. If this approach is taken seriously it will change the lives of those communicating. If I listen to others, I will understand more what they are saying, therefore, reducing conflicts and misunderstandings. The me I want to see soon is someone that is more conscious of how I listen. I want to reduce moments of strive, pursue moments of understanding and empathy. This is an area I was most convicted when reading this test. James 1:19 says to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. This verse is the epitome of this entire book. As Christ-followers we are called to bring truth and love evenly as Christ did. The best way to do that is to listen more than we speak because sometimes we will miss the whole point of a conversation.

ACT Becoming the Me I Want to BECOME The first thing I want to do is share the talk-listener card (Petersen, 2015) with my family. I tend to hit heads when having conversations with them, so being able to show them the techniques I have learned will help build a stronger relationship with them when we disagree or have an issue. I hope it will transfer over to my younger siblings so they can pursue this path of growth in communication sooner than I was able to. Another thing I want to do is be more open on how am feeling in a specific conversation, but not allow it to affect my judgments. As someone who currently counsels undergraduate students, I find it vital to share my emotions for them to open their emotions to me. Sharing is something that allows trust to grow and move towards a better relationship (Petersen, 2015, p. 105). It is still something I am growing in, but through more relationships, I will be able to use my emotions to create more meaningful conversations. The me I want to become is far from where I am. However, I have people in my life that I can seek out and learn from. I can ask questions and learn how to communicate better from their own experiences. Being teachable is how you communicate is another aspect that should be considered. Seeking counsel in how I can counsel better is how I am going to become me I want to be. Even with all of these steps, it is vital to pray for wisdom. Change in how you speak or hold yourself is not going to be a flip of a switch. It is a process that we have all begun. When you seek the Lord for wisdom he will answer (James 1:5). Seek wisdom you will find it, with the

wisdom these practices can be applied to better any conversations I come across. It all starts with how I listen better. References Petersen, J. (2015). Why don't we listen better? Communicating & connecting in relationships (2nd ed.). Portland, OR: Petersen Publications....