BUAD 301 Cutting the Lard Short PDF

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Julie Sivilay BUAD 301 Professor Danielsen Cutting the Lard - Exercise on Style Revising Business Prose: Richard Lanham’s "Paramedic Method" In his book, Revising Business Prose, Richard Lanham recommends the following steps to revise a rambling, unclear sentence. He calls his method "the paramedic method" because it is a quick fix for what he calls "Official English" -- inflated, bureaucratic prose. To turn such prose into Plain English. 1.

Circle the prepositions (of, in, to, for, by, about, above, around, etc.)

2.

Underline passive verbs: forms of to be (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been) and impersonal passive constructions such as, it appears, it seems, it has been decided.

3.

Locate the essential action by asking, "Who is kicking whom?"

4.

Express this action in a simple active verb ("We decided. . .").

5.

Start fast. No windy introductory phrases.

Example: It has come to my attention that this office is in need of a dynamic manager of sales. (18 words) Revision: The office needs a dynamic sales manager. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 11 words Parallel Structure Parallel structure requires that sentence elements that are alike in function be alike in grammatical form as well. This structure leads to concise wording, clarifies meaning, expresses the equality of the ideas, and achieves emphasis. Parallel structure can be achieved with words, phrases or clauses. ● If you want to benefit from the jobs training program, you must be punctual courteous, and conscientious. (parallel words) ● If you want to excel at customer service, you must recognize the importance of punctuality, of courtesy, and you must respond conscientiously. (parallel phrases) ● If you want to excel at customer service, you must arrive punctually, you must behave courteously, and you must respond conscientiously. (parallel clauses) Example A: Lauren and Gloria made suggestions such as the timing of when to go up with the new system, who would be directly involved, and the priorities of specific issues. (The three bolded elements are logically parallel but not grammatically parallel.) Revision A: Lauren and Gloria suggested when to go up with the system, who should be directly involved, and which issues should take priority. (Three parallel clauses) Example B: Two concerns were the threat of losing the customer and finding a replacement for revenues already lost. (The two elements are logically parallel but not grammatically parallel— 49

Julie Sivilay BUAD 301 Professor Danielsen and there is a false parallel in losing and finding.) Revision B: Two concerns were losing the customer and replacing revenues already lost. Revision B - Applying the paramedic method one might revise further: We worried that we might lose the customer and fail to replace the revenues lost. Your Task: Using the Paramedic method above, rewrite the following sentences and paragraphs, so they are brief, clear, accurate and vigorous. Note how many words were saved with your rewrite. 1. eight

It is anticipated that the company will fall off 25% in their business within the next months.

Revision: The company will fall 25% within eight months. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 18 – 8 = 10 words 2. Seeing as how the Weymouth Corporation is facing a very tough economic climate, serious, drastic measures have got to be taken soon in order to cut costs. The easiest way to reduce cost is by letting some employees go. As heartbreaking as it is, it needs to be done and soon in order to remain competitive with companies from overseas. Revision: Because Weymouth Corporation is facing a tough time, changes must be made. The easiest way to reduce cost is by firing some employees. This must be done in order to remain competitive. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 60 - 32 = 28 words 3. Voluntary layoffs are going to be our best option, but it will be hard for people to agree to. With that said a significant amount of people have to be laid in order to reduce our labor costs. As the employee increase, benefits and compensation that matter should be handled privately and preferably after layoffs have taken place. It will not be fair for the laid off employees to find out about other co-workers receiving raises while their being laid off. I believe Mrs. Bernstein of Personnel should be the one signing the final documents. Revision: Voluntary layoffs are the best option in order to reduce our labor costs. As the employees increase, benefits and compensation should be handled privately and preferably after layoffs have taken place. Mrs. Bernstein of Personnel will be signing the final documents. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 95 - 41 = 54 words 4. You should try and convince veteran employees to voluntarily be laid off by may be promising them some added incentives. Revision: Convince veteran employees to voluntarily quit by promising incentives. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 20 - 9 = 11 words 50

Julie Sivilay BUAD 301 Professor Danielsen 5. It is indeed unfortunate that the company is facing such difficulties, but then again drastic measures have to be taken in order for it to get back in the competitive world of business before we fall 25%. Revision: Because the company is facing difficulties, changes must be made to prevent falling 25%. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 37 - 14 = 23 words 6. The company-wide letter should be carefully drafted so it can be sensitive yet give information that is needed. The employees need to know why these tough decisions have been made, but at the same time their feelings must be considered. The good news and bad news could be placed simultaneously into this one document. Although the good news may be over looked by some, it will bring more relief than if put in its own document. Revision: The company-wide letter should be carefully drafted. The employees need to know why these tough decisions have been made, while their feelings must be considered. The good and bad news could be placed into one document. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 76 - 36 = 40 words 7. This is a short reminder just to let you know that, as you requested I made an investigation of several of our competitors' web sites. Attached hereto is a summary of my investigation and findings. I was really most interested in making a comparison of the employment of strategies for comparing marketing strategies as well as the use of navigational graphics used to guide visitors through the sites. In view of the fact that because we will be revising our own web site in the near future soon, I was extremely intrigued by the organization, kind of marketing tactics and navigation at each and every site I visited and investigated. Revision: Per your request, I have made an investigation of several of our competitors' web sites. Attached is a summary of my findings. I was most interested in the comparison of marketing strategies and navigational graphics in the sites. Because we will be revising our own website soon, I was intrigued by the organization, marketing tactics and navigation at each site I visited. Lard Factor of original (number of needless words): 110 - 62 = 48 words

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