Main causes of lack of assertiveness PDF

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Because submissive, aggressive and even assertive types do not exist as pure types, it can be difficultto know when a person shares with the common peoplesome difficulties communicating assertively and when these difficulties are becoming a psychological problem. From a cognitive behavioral point o...

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MAIN CAUSES OF LACK OF ASSERTIVENESS

Introduction Why are there people who seem to find it so easy to have a proper answer, look good, and get away with situations and people for which the same means a world? What happens or has happened in each other's lives? Let's look at the main reasons a person may have assertive problems: a) the person has not learned to be assertive or has learned it inappropriately Behaviors or skills to be assertive or not are learned: they are habits or patterns of behavior, such as smoking or drinking. There is no assertive or non-assertive innate personality, nor are assertive characteristics inherited. Assertive behavior is learned by imitation and reinforcement, that is, so they have transmitted to us as models of behavior and as dispensers of rewards and punishments our parents, teachers, friends, media, etc. It sometimes happens, that the non-assertive person does not find the solution to his problem, because he seeks it without getting out of his pattern of behavior and thought. For example: Elena, the submissive person described above, was considered the good of the family, the support of her mother. That reinforced her a lot, made her feel realized as a person, among other things, because she didn't get any other reinforcements from somewhere else. In thinking of a shift towards more assertive behavior, Elena reacted very much against it, despite wanting it in theory, because she feared becoming revolutionary and thus losing the affection and only reinforcement she had in her life: her mother. The following things may have happened in the non-assertive person's learning story: • Systematic punishment of assertive behaviors: understanding not necessarily the physical, but all kinds of recriminations, contempt or prohibitions. • Lack of sufficient reinforcement to assertive conduct: assertive conduct may not have been systematically punished, but not sufficiently Reinforced. The person, in this case, has not learned to value this type of behavior as a positive thing. • The person has not learned to value social reinforcement: if a person is indifferent to the smiles, praises, sympathies and displays of affection of others, he will not use any behavior that is aimed at obtaining them.

• The person gets more reinforcement for submissive or aggressive behavior: this is the case of the shy, helpless person, who should always be being helped or supported. The reinforcement you get (attention) is very powerful. In the case of the aggressive person, sometimes reinforcement (e.g. winning in an argument or getting what you want) arrives faster, in the short term, if you are aggressive than if you try to be assertive. • The person does not know how to adequately discriminate against the situations in which he must issue a specific answer: the person to whom others consider plasta, heavy is in this case. This person does not know when his presence is accepted and when not, or in what cases a lot can be insisted on a topic and on which he does not. Also in this case is the socially pathetic person, who, for example, laughs when you have to be serious or makes an inappropriate joke. b) the person knows the proper behavior, but feels so much anxiety that he or she partially issues it In this case, the person with assertiveness problems has had highly aversive experiences (in fact or as interpreted) that have been linked to specific situations. In Psychology this phenomenon is called conditioning or generalization. Such experiences may have been objectively anxiogenic, as in the case of an immigrant being discriminated against, or subjective, that is, born in the mind of the person. For example, someone may have felt very different and external to a group he has been forced to be in (new child in a class), although perhaps the group did not feel that way. Situations of this style can leave in the person such a great anxious pose, that from that moment on his assertive response is diminished. If the person tends to generalize to other situations, soon all his assertive responses will suffer with this anxiety; otherwise, at least those that look like or have something to do with the initial situation will provoke anxiety reactions. c) the person does not know or reject his rights Traditional education has intended to make us sumissive. Some more, others less, we have all received messages of the style obedience to authority, be silent when an older person speaks, not express one's opinion to parents, teachers, etc. While this responds to an older educational model, it is surprising to see young people recount histories full of reproaches, authoritarian parents, prohibitions to be themselves, etc. Of course, the above, taken to its right extent, is a healthy pedagogical application for the child to learn to respect others and to be educated, but how many times are these standards exaggerated in the name of a good education! There are a number of traditional assumptions that at first glance seem normal, but which, received authoritarianly and insistently, can do a lot of harm to the person,

making them feel inferior to others and with no ability to change. These traditional assumptions may be, for example: It is selfish to put one's own needs before those of others. Depending on and how we understand this maxim, it can be a sound statement of principles or, on the contrary, something that sinks the person who takes it too much to the letter. Because sometimes, we have the right to be the first. Another thing that has been passed on to almost everyone is: we must always be logical and consequential, moreover, the person who, for example, is clear from a young time the career that he will choose, the work to which he intends to dedicate, becomes a serious, congruent and worthifiable person. But don't we have the right, from time to time, to change course of action or idea? A third high, widespread, is the one that indicates that it is shameful to make mistakes. You have to have a proper answer always, you don't have to interrupt, don't ask too many questions. However, we all have the right, at any given time, to make mistakes, to ask for clarification, to be ignorant if something is not really known. Lately, this submissive model may be less producted on the child. In return, media and social agents bombard with another message: you have to be aggressive, you have to climb above others, be more than others. Deep down, both models are not as differentiated from each other as they may seem: they both subject the person to the opinion of others or the image they give to the outside world, rather than focusing self-esteem on one's own achievements and self-esteem. Both rank the world in winners and losers, in being above or below, rather than looking at others as equal to oneself. In short, both overlook the rights that we all have and that would make us assertive people. What are Assertive Rights? These are un written rights, which we all possess, but which we often forget at the expense of our self-esteem. They don't serve to step on the other, but they do serve to consider us at the same height as everyone else. We present the list of the main assertive rights that we all have. If you read them to yourself, you'll probably think: already, of course, I already knew that, but stop and reflect for a moment. Do you really use your rights, remember them at specific times? As Fr. Jakubowski says: If we sacrifice our rights frequently, we are teaching others to take advantage of us. Assertive rights 1. The right to be treated with respect and dignity 2. The right to have and express one's own feelings and opinions 3. The right to be heard and taken seriously 4. The right to judge my needs, set my priorities and make my own decisions 5. The right to say no without feeling guilt

6. The right to ask for what I want, realizing that my interlocutor also has the right to say no. 7. The right to change 8. The right to make mistakes 9. The right to ask for information and be informed 10. The right to get what I paid for 11. The right to decide not to be assertive 12. The right to be independent 13. The right to decide what to do with my property, body, time, etc., as long as the rights of others are not violated 14. The right to succeed 15. The right to enjoy and enjoy 16. The right to my rest, isolation, being assertive 17. The right to overcome me, even if it outperforms others d) the person has irrational patterns of thought that prevent him from acting assertively Describing the main characteristics of the submissive, aggressive and assertive person, we reflected the typical beliefs and mental schemes that each of them has. Thus, we will remember that the submissive person is usually guided mainly by this mental scheme: It is necessary to be loved and appreciated by everyone, while the aggressive person may have this: It is horrible that things do not go as I would like them to go out. These beliefs or mental schemes, thus expressed, are part of a list of 10 Irrational Ideas that Albert Ellis devised a few years ago. Let's explain, quickly and somewhat sui géneris, what these Irrational Ideas consist of. We're all supposed to have, from a young time, a series of convictions or beliefs. These are so ingrained within us that we do not need to, in every situation, reexamine them to decide how to act or think. More words, they often come out in the form of automatic thoughts, so quickly that unless we make a conscious effort to retain them, we will hardly realize that we have told ourselves that. A typical conviction may be that we need to feel supported or loved to feel at ease. Another might be the need to feel competent in some area of our lives to have moderately high self-esteem.

Albert Ellis, a psychologist of the 1950s, delimited 10 of these convictions, which we all possess to a greater or lesser extent. Ellis called them irrational because, according to him, they do not respond to logic or are objective. Indeed, taken to the letter, no one really needs to be loved to survive, nor does he need to be competent to have high self-esteem. Ellis' list of irrational ideas 1. It is necessary for a human being to be loved and accepted by everyone 2. One has to be very competent and know how to solve everything if one wants to consider himself necessary and useful 3. There are bad and despicable people who must receive their due 4. It's horrible that things don't go the same way you'd like 5. Human misfortune is due to external causes and people have no or very little chance of controlling their upsets and disorders 6. If something is or can be dangerous or scary, you have to worry a lot about it and constantly recreate yourself in the possibility that it happens 7. It is easier to avoid than to face some personal difficulties or responsibilities 8. You always need someone stronger than yourself to trust 9. A past event is an important determinant of present behavior, because if something affected us greatly, it will continue to affect us indefinitely 10. One must be permanently concerned about the problems of others But since we are not machines and that, luckily or unfortunately, we love, hate, are sad and happy, no one can be asked not to possess these ideas, at least to some degree. Therefore, I would translate Ellis' theory into the following: we all possess these ideas to some degree. Of course almost everyone feels better if we have support, if we feel loved; of course, to have good self-esteem requires, among other things, to consider yourself competent and to know a lot about something. The problem begins when one or more of these beliefs become so important to us that we make our actions and convictions subject to their fulfillment. For example: the person for whom it is absolutely vital to receive the affection of others, will seek this support in everything he does, that is, he will try to please everyone, he will be constantly afraid to fail others, he will interpret gestures and words as they no longer love me, etc. The same goes for the person who needs to be competent and do everything right to feel it's worth something. This person will soon become a perfectionist, who will never be satisfied with what he does, who self-reprotects and blames himself for any mistake and who has set his bar so high that he can hardly reach it. Any

exaggeration of one of these beliefs or convictions can provide considerable suffering to the person who lives them in this way, and often results in some dysfunctional behavior. Thus, the person who has as supreme need Idea No 1 (It is necessary to be loved or accepted by everyone), cannot be assertive, since, for her, it is intolerable not to like others and excessive assertiveness would seem dangerous to fulfill this goal. The same thing will happen to the aggressive person, but conversely: assertiveness will seem too threatening because it can be left as excessively soft to others, especially if he has very ingrained Irrational Idea No. 3 (There are bad, despicable people, who should be punished for it), and also if his Idea is No. 4 (It is horrible that things do not go as I would like them to go out) , since assertive behavior involves giving in from time to time and getting things with patience and consensus, things incompatible with the mental rigidity suggested by this latter irrational belief. The person is usually not to blame for possessing these convictions. Most of the time, these are forming throughout education and, if nothing is done against or something very strong happens, they are increasingly strengthening and strengthening. Very often, these are maxims that circulate through society and are given for assumed events. As we said before, a while ago we were passed on a pattern of submissive behavior, now, the pattern of behavior tends more towards aggression, but we are always transmitted defensive behavior. The beliefs that have been circulating in society since time immemorial are of the way: I have to defend myself from others; Other hand, they hurt me; it is dangerous to be weak, they can take advantage of you; I can't show my true feelings. It's dangerous what others might think of me, etc. Review Ellis' Irrational Ideas one by one and try to think about what patterns of submissive behavior each can trigger if possessed as an imperious necessity. Working with assertiveness: Identifying misconduct Since submissive, aggressive, and even assertive types do not exist as pure types, it can be difficultto know when a person shares with the common people some difficulties communicating assertively and when these difficulties are becoming a psychological problem. From a cognitive behavioral point of view, a problem is not such that it appears in the books with a number of symptoms described, but because a person (and, in some cases, people close to them) feels that the difficulties they have are a problem for them. That is, if someone is absolutely asocial, lonely and introverted, but is satisfied with that way of being and does not bother anyone who is close to him (and even in the latter case it would have to analyze where and in whom the problem is), this person does not have a problem and does not have to force him/her to change if he/she does not want to. The

moment that way of being brings difficulties or is in the face of an end, it will be the person himself who defines his difficulties as a problem. The one that steps to improve is another more complicated issue (there are many defenses, selfdeceptions, etc.) that would now not be the case. The fact is that there are many people who suffer with their communication difficulties and that there are various techniques aimed at alleviating these difficulties. To do this, it is best to start by knowing exactly what problems you have and where, when and how they occur, which is often not known accurately. Surely, you will think: for I do know what problems of assertiveness I have and in what situations; it is true, but from knowing how to define exactly the circumstances that make you have that difficulty, there is a step. Do you know, for example, what your difficulties depend on? Have you observed whether they occur in the presence of a specific person, a specific situation, or whether they depend on what you say at all times? Are you clear about the irrational convictions that are conditioning your behavior? It is extremely important to be able to answer these questions if you want to do something to solve a problem of assertiveness. If the problem is not exactly delimited, it can never be solved. The first rule of thumb to unravel the intricate web of circumstances surrounding a behavior is to think: I know nothing about this behavior! This is how we can really know what is happening, without letting ourselves be influenced by thoughts like this I already know, I don't need to analyze if I already know myself, etc. The second step will be to implement a series of methods of observation that allow us to know better our problem-behavior and the circumstances under which it is influenced, in order to be able to correctly focus the steps that will lead us to modify it. So let's see what it takes to know exactly what happens to our problem-behavior and how we can deal with it: 1. A correct formulation of the problem 2. Accurate and thorough observation of the circumstances surrounding the problem-behavior 3. A detailed analysis of the data that has been taken, in order to detect what is maintaining the behavior (why it does not disappear) and how we can modify it. Correct formulation of the problem Knowing what behavior is causing us problems is not enough to be able to deal with it properly. We need to formulate it to ourselves accurately and objectively.

Thus, for example, Elena and Alice, the people with assertive problems (Elena submissive and Alice aggressive) that we described at the beginning, recounted their problem in the first interview as follows: Elena: I have a lot of trouble talking to people. I never know what to say and the conversations are over right away. I think it's because I'm so afraid to screw up that I'd rather not say anything. Alice: I don't know what's wrong with people. I think they're used to someone always taking the chestnuts out of their fire, and if I fail them in that sense, they already like me badly and they make bad faces on me. They seem to say a lot, but deep down, these words haven't told us anything. We could not start working on the basis of this paragraph alone. We need to have a number of questions answered so we can focus and know what the problem really is. These are: – who happens (bosses, colleagues, men, women, children; some person or single persons, etc.) – when it happens (time and place) (at work, with friends, in meetings, in social events, with my partner...) – what worries me about the situation (what others think, what I think, look bad, make a fool of myself, look silly, etc.) – how I usually deal with it normally (I avoid problematic situations, I hit someone, I say nothing, I try at all costs to say something, etc.) – why I am not assertive of this particular conduct; put another way: what I fear will happen if I was assertive (I am not accepted, I am considered a tough boss, I am not wanted, etc.) – what is the objective I pursued when I want to change my behavior (to be professionally deemed, to be affectioned, not to be teased anymore, etc.) Let's see how Elena's formulation changes if she tries to answer the questions mentioned above: In informal meetings, for example, at a wedding or at work parties (I don't move in other settings), I find it very difficult to talk to people. I never approach groups or single people and when they approach me, I answer with monosyllables and I don't contribute anything on my part. I try to think quickly of something to say, but I'm blocked. My biggest fear is that I can say something that bothers others. Just being able to talk fluently when someone approaches me would settle for me.

If Alice answered the questions above, she might say: In my work and in college (not with my close friends), I have difficulty interacting with people, as there always seems to be power problems between them and me. I think they have me to get the chestnuts out of their fire. The ...