30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships ( PDFDrive.com ) PDF

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IT is intended to define many aspects of mental physiology. At best, it is regarded as a manual for detecting numerous claims of mental manipulation. It can also be stated that many inferences may or may not occur during the lesson....

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30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION TACTICS HowManipulatorsTakeControlinPersonal Relationships by AdelynBirch ©2015ADELYNBIRCH  Allrightsreserved.Nopartsofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedina retrievalsystemortransmitted,inanyformorbyanymeans,electronic, mechanical,photocopying,recordingorotherwise,withoutthepriorpermission oftheauthor. 

CONTENTS  CHAPTERONE: WHATISCOVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION?  CHAPTERTWO: HOWCANYOUTELLIFYOU’REBEINGMANIPULATED?19SIGNS  CHAPTERTHREE: 30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS  CHAPTERFOUR: IREFUSETOHAVETHISDISCUSSION!ALLABOUTINVALIDATION  CHAPTERFIVE: THEMOSTPOWERFULMOTIVATORONTHEPLANET, INTERMITTENTREINFORCEMENT  CHAPTERSIX: INTIMACYORINTENSITY?ARELATIONSHIPLITMUSTEST  CHAPTERSEVEN: NOWWHAT?  CHAPTEREIGHT: YOURBASICHUMANRIGHTS

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CHAPTERONE: WHATISCOVERTEMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?  "Untilyourealizehoweasilyitisforyourmindtobemanipulated,youremain thepuppetofsomeoneelse'sgame." ~EvitaOchel  Covertemotionalmanipulationtacticsareunderhandedmethodsofcontrol. Thesedeceptivetacticsacttochangeyourbehaviorandperceptions.Covert manipulationoperatesunderthelevelofyourconsciousawareness.Victims usuallydonotrealizetheyarebeingmanipulatedwhileitishappening.Thatis exactlywhyitisimportanttobecomeawareofthemethodsmanipulatorsuse. Whoarethesemanipulativepeople? Themostskillfulanddangerousmanipulatorsarethoseincludedinpsychology's "darktriad."Psychopathic,narcissisticandMachiavellianpersonalitieslack empathyandmanipulateinaplannedandpurposefulwayfortheirownpersona gain,nomatterthecosttosomeoneelse.Theyarecallous,insensitive, aggressiveandopportunisticindividualswhouseothersandactoutagainstthem toachievetheirownends.Itisentirelypossibletohaveamemberofthedark triadasyourpartner,friend,neighbor,relative,coworkerorboss.Theyattempt tohidewhotheyreallyarebycreatingaseeminglynormal,andoftena charmingandlikeable,persona;buttheirmaliciousintentremainsactivebehind themask.Theseindividualsaredetrimentaltothementalhealthofanyonewho hasclosecontactwiththem. Peoplewithoutseriouspsychologicaldisordersalsousemanipulationtogetwha theywant,withoutmaliciousintentandsometimeswithoutanyawarenessof whattheyaredoing.Itissaidthatwe'reallguiltyofusingmanipulationon occasioninsteadofcommunicatingourneedsanddesiresinadirectway.There isasignificantdifferencebetweensomeonewhoisapathologicalmanipulator andsomeonewhousesmanipulationtogetwhattheywantfromtimetotime. Pathologicalmanipulatorshavenootherwaytorelatetoothersandnothingreal

toofferinarelationship,suchasloveandintimacy.Thereisnowaytochange them. Manipulationunderminesyourabilitytoconsciouslymakedecisionsandtake actionsinyourownbestinterest,inaccordancewithyourpersonalvaluesand boundaries.Inotherwords,manipulationgetsyoutodothingsyouwouldn't otherwisedo. Atitsworse,emotionalmanipulationmethodicallywearsdownyourself-worth andself-confidenceanddamagesyourtrustinyourownperceptions.Itcan makeyouunwittinglycompromiseyourselftothepointoflosingyourselfrespectanddevelopingawarpedconceptofreality.Withyourdefenses weakenedorcompletelydisarmedinthismanner,youareleftevenmore vulnerabletofurthermanipulation. Askilledemotionalmanipulatorgetsyoutoputyoursenseofself-worthand emotionalwell-beingintohisorherhands.Onceyou'retrickedintomakingthat gravemistake,theymethodicallychipawayatyouridentityandwreakhavocon yourpsychologicalhealth. Inordertobesuccessful,apurposefulandmaliciousmanipulatormustknow yourvulnerabilities,concealtheiraggressiveintentionsandbehavior,andbe ruthlessenoughnottocarewhatharmtheirmanipulationcausesyou.Taking controlandgettingwhattheywantareallthatmatters. Becomingawareofthetacticsmanipulatorsuseenablesyoutoidentify concealedaggression.Butitisnotalwayseasytodo,becausemanipulators countonyourtrust,doubtandstrongemotions–guilt,fear,loveandshame–to preventyoufromthinkingclearlyandseeingthemanipulation.Inmanycases theymanufacturetheseemotionspurposelyforthatreason.That'show manipulatorsgetawaywithwhattheydo.Therefore,itisveryimportantforyou torecognizewhenyouaredoubtingyourownperceptionsorintuition,or experiencinganemotionthatmakesyouvulnerabletomanipulation.  Althoughthisbookisfocusesonromanticrelationships,themanipulationtactics describedaresimplythat,manipulationtactics.Manyarethesamemethods employedbymanipulativefriends,familymembers,coworkers,bosses, neighborsandevenchildren.  

CHAPTERTWO: HOWCANYOUTELLIFYOU’REBEING MANIPULATED?19SIGNS  Emotionalmanipulationcanbesosubtleandundercoverthatitcancontrolyou foralongtimebeforeyoufigureoutwhat'shappening,ifyoueverdoatall. Somemanipulatorsarehighlyskilled.They'redescribedaspuppetmasters,and youcouldunknowinglybecomeapuppetifyoudon'tknowthesigns. Asyourstringsarepulledthiswayandthat,youdojustwhatthepuppetmaster wantsyoutodo.Youthinkyou'reactingfromyourownfreewill,butyouare not. Ifyou'reavictimofmanipulationyouprobablyknowsomethingiswrong,but you'renotquitesurewhatitis.Youmightevensuspectyou'rebeing manipulatedbutyoudon'tknowforsureifyouareorhowit'sbeingdone.One thingyoudoknowisthatyouwantanswers--areyoubeingmanipulatedornot? Howcanyoutell? Actually,itiseasierandmoreobviousthanyoumightthinkitis. It'ssmarttolearnthetechniquesofcovertemotionalmanipulation,andyou'lldo justthatinthenextchapter.Butthetruthisyoudon'thavetoknowanythingat allaboutthetechniquestoknowifyou'rebeingmanipulated.Youonlyneedto lookatyourselftoknowifmanipulationisatplay. Manipulationisdetrimentalandhasprofoundnegativeeffectsonus,evenifwe don'tknowit'shappening.Thosenegativeeffectsaretheevidenceleftwhenthe crimeofmanipulationhastakenplace.  Ifyouareinarelationshipandnoticeanyofthefollowingsigns,thereisa highprobabilityyouarebeingmanipulated:  •Yourjoyatfindinglovehasturnedintothefearoflosingit.Yourfeelingshave gonefromhappinessandeuphoriatoanxiety,sadnessandevendesperation.

•Yourmooddependsentirelyonthestateoftherelationship,andyouare experiencingextremehighsandlows. •You’reunhappyintherelationshipanduncertainaboutitmuchofthetime,yet youdreadlosingitbecauseyou'reblissfullyhappyeverynowandthen. •Youfeellikeyou'reresponsibleforruiningthebestthingthateverhappenedto you,butyou'renotsurehow. •Yourrelationshipfeelsverycomplex,althoughyou'redon'tknowwhy.When talkingtoothersaboutit,youmightfindyourselfsaying“It’shardtoexplain. It'sjustreallycomplicated." •Youcontinuallyobsessabouttherelationship,analyzingeverydetail repeatedlyinadesperateattemptto“figureitout.”Youtalkaboutitallthetime toanyonewhowilllisten.Itdoesn'tdoanygood. •Youneverfeelsureofwhereyoustandwithyourpartner,whichleavesyouin aperpetualstateofuncertaintyandanxiety. •Youfrequentlyaskyourpartnerifsomethingiswrong.Itreallydoesfeelasif something'swrong,butyouarenotsurewhatitis. •Youarefrequentlyonthedefensive.Youfeelmisunderstoodandhavetheneed toexplainanddefendyourself. •Youseemtohavedevelopedaproblemwithtrust,jealousy,insecurity,anger oroverreaction,whichyourpartnerhaspointedouttoyouonmanyoccasions. •Youhavebecomeadetective.Youscourthewebforinformationaboutyour partner,keepacloseeyeonhisorhersocialmediaaccounts,andfeelaneedto checktheirwebsearchhistory,textsoremails.Whentheyarenotathome,you haveadesiretoverifytheirwhereaboutsasyouworryaboutwheretheyreally are. •Youfeelthatyoudon’ttrulyknowhowtomakeyourpartnerhappy.Youtry hardbutnothingseemstowork,atleastnotforlong.Youusedtomakethem veryhappyandyou'renotsurewhat'schanged. •Expressingnegativethoughtsandemotionsfeelsrestrictedorevenforbidden, soyoutrytokeepthosethingstoyourself.Youfeelfrustratedatbeingunableto talkaboutthingsthatarebotheringyou. •Youdon’tfeelasgoodaboutyourselfasyoudidbeforetherelationship.You feellessconfident,lesssecure,lessintelligent,lesssane,lesstrusting,less

attractiveorinsomeotherway“lessthan”whatyouwerebefore. •Youalwaysfeelyou’refallingshortofyourpartner’sexpectations.Youfeel inadequate. •Youoftenfeelguiltyandfindyourselfapologizingalot.Youcontinuallytryto repairdamageyoubelieveyou'vecaused.Youblameyourselfforyourpartner pullingawayfromyou.Youcan'tunderstandwhyyoukeepsabotagingthe relationship. •Youcarefullycontrolyourwords,actionsandemotionsaroundyourpartnerto keephimorherfromwithdrawingtheiraffectionagain. •Attimes,youeruptlikeanemotionalvolcanofilledwithanger,frustrationand evenhostility.Youhaveneveractedthiswaybeforeandvowthatyouwillstop, butnomatterhowhardyoutryitkeepshappening. •Youdothingsyouaren'treallycomfortablewithorthatgoagainstyourvalues limitsorboundaries,inordertomakeyourpartnerhappyandkeepthe relationshipintact.  Youshouldhaveyouranswer. Thereisonecaveat.Ifyourpastrelationshipshavehadanongoingpatternof insecurity,mistrustandfearofabandonment,youmayhaveapsychological issuethatwouldbenefitfromprofessionalintervention. Youmightbewonderinghowyouoranyoneelsecouldstayinarelationship thatcausesfear,anxiety,depression,self-doubt,confusionandfrustration. Wouldn'tyouknowsomethingisterriblywrong?Whywouldyoustay? First,manipulativerelationshipsdon'tstartoutthisway.Infact,these relationshipusuallygetofftoanamazingstart.Heorsheseemslikeyourperfec partner--maybeevenyoursoulmate--andthehoneymoonphaseisidyllic. Whenthingstakeaturnfortheworse,youhavenoideawhatisreallygoingon. Naturally,youtrytoworkthingsoutandregainwhatwasoncesopromisingand wonderful.Havingbeenmanipulatedintoblamingyourselffortheproblems, youhangonandtrytorepairthedamageyoubelieveyoucausedandregain yourpartner'slove.Yourloyaltyseemstopayoffandyouandyourpartnerare onceagaincloseandloving...forawhile.Itbecomesacycle,oneyou'renot fullyawareof. Second,manipulationbeginsslowlyandinsidiously,andgraduallyescalates.

"Manipulationisanevolvingprocessovertime,"accordingtoHarrietB. Braiker,PhD.,authorof"Who'sPullingYourStrings."Braikersaysvictimsare controlledthroughaseriesofpromisedgainsandthreatenedlosses,covertly executedthroughavarietyofmanipulationtactics.Inotherwords,the manipulationbuildsgraduallyastheabusercreatesuncertaintyanddoubtby goingbackandforthfromgivingyouwhatyoudesiretothreateningtotakeit away. Thiscyclewillbediscussedinmoredetailinthechapteronintermittent reinforcement. JoeNavarro,M.A.,a25-yearveteranoftheFBIandauthorofthebook DangerousPersonalities,writes“Intheend,itdoesn’tmatterhowyougotinto thatrelationship,itistherealizationthatitisone-sided,exploitative,andtoxic thatcounts.Thequestionsthatneedtobeaskedareverysimple.'Aretheyusing theircharmsorbehaviortocontrolyouorothersfortheirownbenefit?Arethey manipulatingyou?Aretheydoingthingsthathurtyouorputyouatrisk?Do youfeellikethisrelationshipisonesided?Areyouhurtinginthisrelationship?' Iftheanswertothesequestionsisyes,itistimetountangleyourselffromthe toxicstringsthatcontrolyousoyoucangetyourlifeback.Takeheed-youhave nosocialobligationtobevictimized–ever." Emotionalmanipulationisemotionalabuse.Apersonwhocontrolsyourfeelings andbehaviorwithcovertmanipulationdoesnotvalueorrespectyouorcare aboutyourwell-being.Leavetherelationshipifatallpossible,andseek professionalcounselingifnecessary.Involvementwithaskilledmanipulatorcan resultinseriousandlastingpsychologicalharm. Onlyyoucandecideifarelationshipisworthwhileandsalvageableorifitis detrimentaltoyouandneedstoend. Thelastchapterwillprovideyouwithresourcesthatwillenableyoutolearn howtodealwithmanipulators. Awarenessisoneofyourprimarydefensesagainstcovertmanipulation.With thatthought,whatfollowsaredescriptionsofthirtycovertemotional manipulationtactics.Afewofthemwillbeexploredinmoredepthinchapters thatfollow.

CHAPTERTHREE: 30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION TACTICS   "Whenyouknowwhatamanwantsyouknowwhoheis,andhowtomove him." ~GeorgeR.R.Martin  

1.IntermittentReinforcement  "Themoreinfrequentlythecrumbsofloveareoffered,themorehookedyouare Youbecomeconditioned,likearatinacage." ~Unknown  Intermittentreinforcementisanextremelypowerfulandeffectivemanipulation tactic.Infact,psychologyexpertsconsideritthemostpowerfulmotivatorin existence.Usingthistactic,themanipulator"motivates"thevictimtobehave, thinkorfeelthewayheorshewantsthemto. Intermittentreinforcementoccurswhenamanipulatorgiveshisvictimpositive reinforcement--attention,praise,appreciation,affection,sex,adoration, declarationsoflove--onlyonarandombasis.Theymaygivepositive reinforcementinresponsetoabehaviortheyaretryingtoincrease,ortheycan withholdittocreateuncertainty,anxietyandlonginginthevictim. Intermittentreinforcementcreatesaclimateofdoubt,fearandanxietythat compelsthevictimtopersistentlyseekactsofpositivereinforcementfromthe manipulatorthatwillalleviatetheirangst.Whentherewardofpositive reinforcementisgiven,itisverypowerful.Itfloodsthebrainwithdopamineand otherfeel-goodneurotransmittersandhormones.Itcreatesaddiction. Ifyou'reavictimofthistactic,youwillsensethemanipulatoriswithdrawing. Heorsheisnotgivingyoutheattentionandaffectionthattheyusedto,andyou willfearthatsomethingiswrongandthatyouarelosingthem.Ifyouaskthemi somethingiswrong,theywilldenyit.Atsomepointthemanipulatorwillact onceagainliketheattentive,romantic,interestedandlovingpersontheyonce were.Youranxietyanddoubtarerelieved,andyouareontopoftheworld.But thentheywithdrawagain,andyouareconsumedwithanxietyoncemore.By usingintermittentreinforcementthemanipulatorwillhaveyouridingan emotionalrollercoaster,yourmoodsandemotionalwell-beingdependentupon whetherheorsheiswithholdingfromyouorrewardingyou. Themanipulatordoesthisonpurposetoincreasehisorherpowerandcontrol overyouandtomakeyouevermoredesperatefortheirlove,attentionor approval.Youwillhavebecometheproverbiallabratlivingforarandomly dispensedmorsel.Theratthinksofnothingelse,andeitherwillyou.

Yourbondwiththemanipulatorwillbecomestrongerinresponsetointermittent reinforcement,alongwithyourdesiretopleasethemandyourfearoflosing them. Thisismaliciousmanipulationatitsworse. Intermittentreinforcementisexploredinmoredepthinchapterfive. 

2.NegativeReinforcement  Usingthetacticofnegativereinforcement,themanipulatorstopsdoing somethingyoudon'tlikewhenyoustartdoingsomethingheorshedoeslike. Thismakesitmorelikelythatyouwilldowhattheylikeinthefuture. Forexample,youbehaveinsomewaythemanipulatordoesnotwantyouto. PerhapsyougooutwithyourfriendsonFridaynightsorrefusetoparticipatein somesexualactivityyouareaverseto.Inresponse,theyengageinbehaviorthat hurtsyou,suchaswithholdingaffectionorgivingyouthesilenttreatment.The manipulatorstopsthehurtfulbehaviorwhenyoustartactingthewayhewants, suchaspromisingtogiveupyourFridayget-togethersorengaginginthesexual activityhedesires. It'sverysimple.Themanipulatorknowsyouarelikelytogiveineventuallyin ordertostophisorherhurtfulactions.Itisaneffectivewaytogetyoutobehave thewaytheywantyouto,andtomakeyoumorelikelytobehavethatwayagain  

3.BackingIntoanEmotionalCorner  "Yourgreatestenemywillhideinthelastplaceyouwouldeverlook." ~Caesar  You'reunstable!Youhaveaproblemwithanger!You'recrazy! Amanipulatorwillintentionallycauseyoutohaveanemotionalmeltdown,and thentellyouthatyou'recrazyoroutofcontrol.Thepurposeistocreatea confusingandemotionalscenethatwilldistractyoufromanissueyou confrontedthemanipulatorabout.Theissueinsteadbecomesyourapparent emotionalinstability.Thistacticalsoallowsthemanipulatortogainmorepower andcontrol. Here'sanexampleofhowthistacticisputintoplay: Youareupsetbysomethingthemanipulatordidandyouconfronthimorher aboutit.Perhapshedidsomethingthatarousedyoursuspicionorangeredyou. Themanipulatordoesnotwanttoconfronttheissueathand,soheobfuscatesit byturningthefocusontoyoubyusingyouremotionsagainstyou.Hedoesnot mentiontheissueyoubroughtup;instead,heimmediatelyshiftsthefocusto yourapparentinsecurityorjealousyorsuspiciousnature,whichhesaysis unacceptable. Youbecomedefensive,frustratedandupset.Themanipulatorseizesonyour emotionalupset,andsayssomethinglike"YoualreadyknowIwon'ttolerateyou raisingyourvoiceatme,"or"IsitPMStimeagain?"or"You'renottryingto pickanotherfight,areyou?"or"Icanseeyou'reheadedtowardoneofyour meltdowns."Thiswillincreaseyourfrustrationandmakeyoubecomeeven moreemotional. Thenthemanipulatorwilltellyouthathecan'tdealwiththisanymore, thathe'sbecomingtiredofyourdramaandyouroverreaction.Atthispoint(if youhaven'tdonesoalready)you'llhaveanemotionalmeltdownandthen collapseintofrustratedsobs.Thenthemanipulatorwillannouncethatyou're unstableorcrazyorabusiveorthatyouhaveanangermanagementproblem,and saysthathewillleaveyouifyoucan'tgetyouryourselfundercontrol. Themanipulatorbackedyouintoanemotionalcorner.Predictably,youcame

outswinging. Themanipulatorwillstormoffinfeignedangerandbeginaprotracted episodeofthesilenttreatment,whichisyetanotherwaytoavoidtherealissue (andanothermanipulationtactic). Youareashamedathowyouactedandfeeldisappointedinyourself. Youcan'tunderstandwhyyoukeepgoingoffthedeepend.Youwillcometo believethatyouactuallydohaveanemotionalproblem,onethatissabotaging yourpreviouslywonderfulrelationship.Youvowtoyourselfnottoletithappen again,butsuppressingyourfrustrationonlyguaranteesthatyourbuttonswillbe eveneasiertopushnexttime.  Youunwittinglyenteraviciouscyclewithnowayout.  Whenyou'vebeenbackedintoanemotionalcorner,actingoutdoesnotmean you'recrazyorthatyouhaveanangermanagementproblem.Itmeansyou'rea normalpersonreactingtoanintenselystressfulsituation.Butwhenyouhavean emotionalreactiontothatstress,you'remadetobelieveyouhaveaproblem.  Youremotionalreactionstomanipulationarenottheproblem--the manipulationistheproblem.  Thisispsychologicalwarfareatitslowest.  

4.ShiftingTheFocus  Shiftingthefoc...