Ch. 14 Notes - Based on the book PDF

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Based on the book ...

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Chapter 14: Maintaining and Repairing Relationships (420-439) ❏ Men are expected to be self-reliant and assertive and nothing encourages them to be tender or warm

❏ Low self-esteem can lead you to sabotage your relationships with others

❏ Convenience familial arity and proximity are influences that can lead us two relationships

❏ Attractiveness is important

❏ We don't know our partners as much as we think we do

❏ Making good Impressions important to everyone

❏ Women are better at nonverbal communication then compared to men

❏ In a relationship sending messages non-verbally is very difficult and our partners might not always understand what we are trying to say

❏ Bad situations influence the relationship with our partners more than good ones too

❏ Intimate Relationships cost us a lot and it's not always rainbows and butterflies

❏ Romantic love is the primary reason people get married

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❏ 33% of people are not comfortable with interdependent intimacy

❏ Men want to have sex more than women do

❏ Our partners will inevitably betray us or hurt our feelings

❏ We cannot avoid conflict

❏ Divorce is more common and marriages seem to be less happy

Maintaining and Enhancing Relationships Relationship maintenance mechanisms AR actions that people take that will sustain their Partnerships.

Staying committed “People who are committed to a partnership, who wants and expected to continue, think and behave differently than less committed Partners do.”

Cognitive maintenance mechanisms

Cognitive interdependence= which is the change in self-definition. Positive illusions are when Partners idolize each other and perceived their relationship and the best possible way.

Perceived superiority= Is believing that your partnership is the most special

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Inattention to alternatives is the disinterest and unawareness of how better an alternate relationship would be.

Degradation of tempting alternatives is when a person besides that other partner’s AR unattractive and the one we already have will always be better

Behavior maintenance mechanisms

Willingness to sacrifice Are doing things like watching a TV show that you don't really care for but doing it because your partner wants to

Prayer can be very helpful Studies have shown that couples that pray for the wellbeing of their lover are more satisfied and make more sacrifices and are also more forgiving.

Michelangelo phenomenon is Promoting your partner's growth as a person and helping them become who they truly want to be

Accommodation is ignoring slight disagreements and frustrations while also not retaliating.

Self-control is self-restraint Did not get upset over small things or silly disagreements. Play Is engaging in exciting activities together

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Rituals or repetitive behaviors that you do together

Forgiveness which usually given back after a partner’s betrayal and helps to heal the relationship.

Staying content Canary and Stafford's relational maintenance strategies Strategy

Examples: “ I…”

Positivity

Strive to make our interactions enjoyable

Openness

Encourage my partner to disclose his / her thoughts and feelings to me

Relationship talk

Encourage my partner to tell me what he or she wants from our relationship

Assurances

Try to show my partner how much he or she means to me

Understanding

Apologize when I'm wrong

Sharing tasks

Help equally with tasks that need to be done

Social networks

Do things with his or her friends and family

Joint Activities

Share time together

Repairing Relationships Do it yourself Books and websites can be full of suggestions in solving your relationship problems.

“There are often problems, however, with the popular advice the media provides. For one

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thing, the backgrounds of people who sell their advice or sometimes as bogus as the advice itself; there are well-known authors who boast of their PHD degrees who either did not graduate from an accredited University or did not study a helping profession or Behavioral Science in graduate school.”

Preventive maintenance It is better to look for consoul before things starts going wrong in a relationship

Prep Program: ❏ Commitment changes outlook and behavior ❏ It is important to have fun together ❏ Open comminuication about sex ❏ Consequences of inappropriate expectations Increased satisfaction in relationship during the first year of the relationship Preventive maintenance can bring on an easy first few years of marriage

Marital therapy When real issues begin to be brought up then better interventions can be used to resolve

Some therapeutic approaches: ❏ Focus on problems with behavior thoughts or feelings ❏ Individual difficulties ❏ Emphasize past events or presents ones

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Behavioral approaches

A classic approach,

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traditional behavioral couple therapy , focuses on the couple’ s present interactions and seeks to replace any negative and punishing behavior with more gracious and generous actions

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Couples may enter into explicit contracts to reward positive behavior from their partners with desirable behavior of their own

Emotionally focused couples therapy Kkll

Insight oriented therapy Stage One :

Assessment of the problem

Step 1

Problems are described

Step 2

Emotional fears and needs are identified

Step 3

Emotions and put into words

Step 4

Partners realize they are both in pain

Stage Two :

Promoting new styles of interaction that Foster bonding

Step 5

Deepest feelings are admitted and identified

Step 6

Partners acknowledge and accept they're lovers feelings and try new responses

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Step 7

New patterns of interaction are used the Foster more understanding and openness and their relationship

Stage Three :

Rehearsal and maintenance of desirable new styles of interaction

Step 8

Collaboration for new solutions to problems

Step 9

Partners rehearse and consolidate and a new manner and are more accepting of each other's behaviors

Central Trnets of Insight-Orientated Therapy

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