Chapter 12 - Summary Understanding Human Sexuality PDF

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Human Sexuality 2075 – Chapter 12: Attraction Love and Communication Attraction The girl next door – more likely to meet and be attracted to the boy/girl next door than the one who lives across town Mere-exposure effect – the tendency to like a person more if we have been exposed to him/her repeatedly Homophily – the tendency to have contact with people who are equal in status  A reason for homophily by ethnicity is that persons from ethno-cultural minorities tend to live in socially and economically separate communities -

Matching phenomenon – the tendency for men and women to choose as partners people who match them, who are similar in attitudes, intelligence, and attractiveness  Research shows that similarity in attitudes is important, but personality similarities is not Physical Attractiveness Physical attractiveness is more important to males evaluating females than it is to females evaluating males Our perception of attractiveness is influenced by our evaluation of their intelligence, liking, and respect Twice as many women as men choose an extraordinary face and ordinary body The Interpersonal Marketplace Who we are attracted to depends on how much we think we have to offer and how much we think we can “buy” with it (beautiful women with wealthy men) Men with more status are more desirable, however how desirable a man is judge depends on the woman’s sense of her own worth (how attractive she is) From the Lab to Real Life Donn-Byrne did a study to find out whether above results would be obtained in real life... experiment demonstrated the importance of similarity and physical appearance Attraction Online There are four social forces at work that account for the growth of online dating: 1. Growing proportion of the population is single, so more people are looking 2. Career and time pressures lead people to seek more efficient ways to look 3. Single people are highly mobile, increasing the difficulty of meeting people 4. Workplace romance is less acceptable due to concerns about sexual harassment Older people are more likely to use than older people GLB are more likely than heterosexuals to meet and form an off-line relationship with someone they meet online People seeing partners online are educated, affluent, 20-40-year olds who don’t have the time or the taste for “single bars” Relationships started online have lower relational intimacy than those formed face-to-face There is a risk of people misrepresenting themselves E-harmony – Neil Clark Warren – 436 question survey to assess person and couples are matched Chemistry.com – Helen Fisher – pairing adults who experience a spark when they meet (146 item survey) she says that testosterone, dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin are the basis of romance Perfectmatch.com – “Dr.Pepper” Schwartz – 48 questions assessing 8 domains  Should be the same on romantic impulsivity, personal energy, outlook and predictability  Different on flexibility, decision making style, emotionality, and self-nurturing style Explaining or Preferences Reinforcement Theory: Byrne’s Law of Attraction  We tend to like people who give us reinforcements or rewards and dislike people who give us punishments  Most people prefer to interact with people who are similar to them because interaction with them is rewarding  We believe others will have a higher opinion of us if we have a good-looking partner  We prefer someone with high social status or earning potential because all of the material things that people find rewarding cost money  Implicit egotism perspective – we are attracted to persons who are similar because they activate our positive views of ourselves Sociobiology – Sexual Strategies Theory  Men want to choose fertile women (young men with young women)  Men want to be certain about the paternity of offspring (choose faithful women)  A physically attractive person is more likely to be healthy and fertile than someone who is not (preference for a good-looking partner)  Women want mates who are able and willing to invest resources in them and their children (higher income and status)  Women rate income and earning potential as more important than good looks Intimacy Defining Intimacy Prager: intimate interactions include both intimate experiences and behaviours Intimate experiences – the meaning a person gives to their interactions with another person  Example. Meeting your partners family, or sharing secrets, etc. Intimate relationship – a relationship in which interactions occur on a regular predictable basis  A relationship characterized by affection between partners, mutual trust, and partner cohesiveness Intimacy and Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure is one of the key characteristics of intimacy It is important to censor some (not all) thoughts and feelings that would be deliberately hurtful to their partner

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Self-disclosure leads to reciprocity  Reciprocity – exchanging things with others for mutual benefit Why? 1. Disclosure by our partner may make us like and trust that person more 2. As social learning theorists would argue, simple modeling and imitating may occur Relates closely to satisfaction with the relationship Greater self-disclosure means a longer relationship Self-disclosure and intimacy mutually build on each other Measuring Intimacy The Personal Assessment of Intimacy in Relationships (PAIR) Inventory: 1. My partner listens to me when I need someone to talk to 2. My partner really understands my hurts and joys Another scale of measuring intimacy includes items such as: 1. How often do you confide very personal information to him or her? 2. How often are you able to understand his or her feelings? 3. How often do you feel close to him or her? 4. How important is your relationship with him or her in your life? In summary relationships are characterized by:  Commitment  Feelings of closeness  Understanding  Self-disclosure Theories of Love The Triangular Theory of Love: Robert Sternberg Love has 3 fundamental components: 1. Intimacy 2. Passion 3. Commitment Intimacy: Feelings of closeness Sense of mutual understanding, of sharing oneself Intimate communication Giving and receiving emotional support Not defined as a euphemism for sex Passion: Physical attraction and the drive for sexual expression Physiological arousal Differentiates romantic love from other kinds of love Component of love that is quick to come, but fades most quickly Commitment: Cognitive component Short term aspect is the decision that one loves the other person Long term aspect is the commitment to remain in the relationship Commitment is what makes the relationship last Love in Action Intimacy in action is expressed through communication Passion through sexual activities Commitment through saying “I love you” and such Evidence for Sternberg’s Triangle Questionnaire, the Sternberg Triangle Love Scale (STLS) to measure the 3 components The Attachment Theory of Love Kim Bartholomew Positive Thoughts of Self Negative Thoughts of Self Preoccupied Secure Positive Preoccupied with relationships Thoughts of Partner Secure and comfortable with intimacy and autonomy Fearful Dismissive Negative Fearful of intimacy Thoughts of Partner Dismissive of intimacy Socially avoidant Strongly Independent -

Adults are characterized by 1 of 4 attachment styles in romantic relationships  Dismissing and fearful lovers avoid intimacy  Preoccupied and fearful lovers depend on acceptance from others  Separation from parents in childhood (divorce, death, etc.) doesn’t effect attachment style  A person’s perception of quality of a relationship effects the style

 Quality of friendships in childhood effect adult attachment style Love as a Story Sternberg To make sense out of what happens in our relationships, we rely on our love stories (what love should be like; has characters, a plot, and a theme)  Falling in love occurs when you meet someone with whom you can create a relationship that fits your love story  We are satisfied when we match the characters in our story  Stories are self-fulfilling, they effect the way we act and think  Because love stories are self-confirming they are difficult to change  Many people are not aware of their love story The Biology of Passionate Love Differentiates between passionate love and companionate love Passionate Love:  State of intense longing for union and intense physiological arousal 3 components: 1. Cognitive – preoccupation with the loved one and idealization of the person 2. Emotional – physiological arousal, sexual attraction, desire for union relationship 3. Behavioural – taking care of each other and maintaining physical closeness  Can be overwhelming, obsessive and all consuming  Overly optimisting about a lasting relationship Companionate Love: Feeling of deep attachment and commitment to a person with whom they have an intimate relationship Passionate love evolves into companionate love Fisher and colleagues:  There are 3 internal systems involved in successful pairings of mates: 1. Desire to mate: sex drive 2. Pairing (mating): process of attraction 3. Parenting: Process of attachment Dopamine enhances the likelihood of pair bonding Produces increased energy, focused attention, and reduced need for food and sleep Prolactin and oxytocin are produced by the frequent presence of a loved one RESEARCH ON LOVE Operational definition – defining a concept or term by how it is measured; ex. Defining intelligence as those abilities that are measured by an IQ test Measuring Love Hatfield and Sprecher  Paper and pencil measure of passionate love (Passionate Love Scale: PLS)  Statements intended to measure cognitive, emotional, and behavioural components of passionate love rated 1 (not true) to 9 (very true) Love and Adrenaline Two Component Theory of Love Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Walster Passionate love occurs when 2 conditions exist simultaneously: 1. The person is in a state of intense physiological arousal 2. The situation is such that the person applies a particular label “love” etc. to the sensations being experienced Stachter’s 2 component theory of emotion  An emotion consists of a physiological arousal state plus the label the person assigns to it (fear, anger, love, embarrassment etc.)  This helped develop the theory of love; we feel passionate love when we are aroused and when conditions are such that we identify what we are feeling as love Misattribution of arousal – when a person in a stage of physiological arousal (eg. From exercising or being scared), attributes these feelings to love or attraction to the person present  Arousal (whether sexual, fear etc.) is an important component of love or attraction Cross-Cultural Research Individualistic Cultures (Canada, United States, Western Europe) Emphasize individual goals over collective societal goals Behaviour is regulated by individual attitudes and cost-benefit considerations Emotional detachment from the group is acceptable Passionate love as basis for marriage Mates selected by physical attractiveness, similarities, and wealth or resources Look for intimacy in the relationships we’re in Each person values independence and individuality Value standing up for one’s group Collectivist Cultures (China, Africa, and Southeast Asia) Emphasize group and collective goals over personal ones Self is defined by group membership

Behaviour is regulated by group norms Attachment to and harmony within the group are valued Many arranged marriages; primary criterion is same status of families Intimacy is found in relationships with other family members People are interdependent; self-defined by relationship with others Value conformity and harmony with the group Communication and Relationships Can’t tell if poor communication causes unhappy relationships or vice versa Gottman’s 4 destructive patterns of interaction: 1. Criticism – attacking partners character or personality 2. Contempt – intentionally insulting or orally abusing the partner 3. Defensiveness – denying responsibility, making excuses 4. Withdrawal – responding to complaints with silence, ignoring etc. Sexual Self Disclosure Involves telling personal sexual things about yourself, this is a key to a satisfying sexual relationship  May include sharing your sexual likes and dislikes or disclosing about an unwanted sexual experience you had in the past Sexual self-disclosure leads to sexual satisfaction in 2 ways: 1. Increases intimacy allowing couples to feel closer 2. Sharing what pleases and displeases us sexually allows them to learn about our sexual preferences Being an Effective Communicator Intent – What the speaker means when communicating Impact – What someone else understands the speaker to mean Effective communicator – Someone whose impact matches his or her intent Good Messages Best way to voice your problems is to complain Use of “I language” (speaking of yourself) partner is less likely to become defensive Uses soft emotion rather than anger Documenting (specific examples of the issue) is important when giving a good message Leveling and Editing Leveling – telling yourpartner what you are feeling by stating your thoughts clearly, simply, and honestly Editing – censoring or not saying things that would be deliberately hurtful to your partner or that are irrelevant Listening Being a non-defensive listener is important Give feedback (nodding, facial movements etc.) Paraphrase and ask for feedback to make sure things are understood Body Talk: Non-Verbal Communication Be sure that non-verbal signals help to create the impact we intend rather than one we don’t intend Validating Tell your partner that you can see why they think a certain way (doesn’t mean you agree) Drawing Your Partner Out Notice if your partner is not enjoying something and ask about it Follow with an open ended question like “what can we do to make things better?” Accentuate the Positive Give positive reinforcement for something you’ve enjoyed It will be easier to address the negatives if you communicate the positive Fighting Fair 1. Edit what you say 2. Don’t bring up former partners 3. Don’t play amateur psychologist 4. Don’t engage in dump bottled up issues 5. Don’t hit and run 6. Don’t focus on who is to blame...