Chapter 7 Notes - This class was taught by professor gardner PDF

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This class was taught by professor gardner...

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CHAPTER 7: RESOLVING INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT Chapter Objectives 1. To gain an understanding of conflict and its causes. 2. To understand the positive and negative effects of conflict. 3. To understand what is involved in a conflict situation. 4. To learn about gender and cultural differences in dealing with conflict. 5. To understand the different behavior styles of conflict management and identify your style of conflict management. 6. To understand the characteristics of the passive (nonassertive), the assertive, and the aggressive person. 7. To learn to be assertive. 8. To learn the different strategies of conflict resolution. 9. To learn to master interpersonal conflict. 10. To understand there are some situations when conflicts can’t be resolved. 11. To learn to use the pillow method. Lecture Notes This chapter may be one of the most rewarding for your students. This chapter will allow the students to understand what conflict is and how they can resolve the interpersonal conflicts that they experience in everyday life. Lacking assertiveness is a problem many people have, and this chapter will help you gain the skills needed to become self-confident and not allow others to take advantage of you. What is Conflict Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two people who perceive the situation differently and are experiencing interference from the other person in achieving their goal. What Causes Conflict Conflict occurs between people because people are different, and have different needs and wants. Therefore, the key cause of conflict is the degree to which individuals are different. Conflict usually arises from six basic issues: 1. Control over resources 2. Preferences and nuisances 3. Values 4. Beliefs 5. Goals 6. The nature of the relationship between the partners The Realities of Conflict Conflict is inevitable and is generally viewed negatively by society because most people do not know how to handle conflict. Despite its negative connotation, conflict can have positive as well as negative effects. Positive Effects of Conflict 1. Promotes growth in a relationship 2. Allows for healthy release of feelings 3. Increases motivation and self-esteem Negative Effects of Conflict 1. The manner in which we approach interpersonal conflict—people believe there must be a winner and a loser. 2. Larger problems and deeper personal resentments may occur.

What is Your Style of Conflict Management? Most of us go through life responding to conflict in a natural way that feels good to us. We may be unaware of our particular style and of even what methods we use to resolve interpersonal conflict. There are three behavior styles we use in handling opposition and responding to conflict: 1. Passive/Nonassertive Style - You respond by avoiding the situation or not responding to it. That is, you may remove yourself from the situation by leaving, shutting up, placating, concealing your feelings, or postponing a confrontation until a better time. Behavior description: This is sometimes referred to as being submissive, whereby you are usually emotionally dishonest, indirect, and self-denying. You allow others to violate your space, deny your rights, and ignore your needs. Belief system: The message is, “I should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeased except myself. You can take advantage of me. My needs and my feelings don’t matter.” Advantage: You usually don’t experience direct rejection or get blamed for anything. Approval from others is important to you. Disadvantage: You are taken advantage of and may store up a heavy load of resentment and anger. You don’t get your needs met, and other people don’t know what you need or want. 2. Aggressive Style - You may respond to conflict by fighting, verbally or nonverbally. You move against another with the intent to hurt. Behavior description: Examples of this kind of behavior are fighting, blaming, accusing, threatening, and generally stepping on people without regard for their feelings, needs or ideas. Belief system: The message is “I have to put others down in order to protect myself. I must exert my power and control over others. What you want is not important.” Advantage: Other people don’t push the aggressive person around, so they seem to get what they want. They appear to be in control of their life and the lives of others. Disadvantage: In the process of gaining control, the other person frequently feels humiliated, defensive, resentful, and usually hurt. You wind up with a lot of enemies. You become fearful of losing what you are fighting for: power and control over others. You may create your own destruction. 3. Assertive Style - You may respond to conflict by moving toward your opposition. This style is used in compromise, negotiation, and cooperative problem solving. Behavior description: You behave assertively when you stand up for yourself, express your true feelings, and do not let others take advantage of you. However, you are considerate of the feelings of others. You do not verbally attack others. Belief system: The message is: “I respect myself, and I have equal respect for others, too.” Advantage: You generally get more of what you want without making other people mad. Disadvantage: As you become more open, honest, and direct, you also take some risks in how

others will perceive you. Some people have difficulty with these types of exchanges, so you may have some hurts and disappointments in some of your relationships. Of the three approaches, generally, it is best to use the assertive style. Learning to be Assertive The main goal of assertiveness training is to help people express their thoughts, feelings, and rights in a way that respects the rights of others. It is important that you become aware of the different types of assertive expressions: 1. Basic assertion is learning to stand up for your rights or express your feelings 2. Learning to express positive feelings 3. An escalating type of assertion may have to be used then people fail to respond to your earlier request. The “I” Message Frequently referred to as the focal point of learning to be assertive—is a way of expressing yourself effectively before you become angry and act in self-defeating ways. The “I” message - It has four important parts: 1. An objective nonjudgmental description of the person’s behavior in specific terms. 2. How I feel about this. 3. The concrete effects on me. 4. A request and an invitation to respond and provide positive consequences. Suggestions for Delivering an Assertive “I” Message: 1. Write and practice your message before delivering it. 2. Develop assertive body language with your “I” message. 3. Don’t be distracted by other’s defensiveness or manipulation. Broken Record Technique - Calmly repeating your point of view without getting sidetracked with irrelevant issues. How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty. In How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You, Patti Breitman, et al., give these pointers:  Start small.  Keep it simple.  Buy time.  Remain generous.  Understand your Yes. Remember, No is a complete sentence. Saying No is a powerful form of assertive behavior. Communication Mistakes to Avoid Elizabeth Scott (2016) believes that communications is the best way to avoid conflict, this is her list of mistakes to avoid. 1. Avoid Conflict Altogether- Rather than discussing building frustrations in a calm, respectful manner, some people just don't say anything to their partner until they're ready to explode, and then blurt it out in an angry, hurtful way. 2. Being Defensive- Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term problems when partners don't feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow. 3. Overgeneralizing- Avoid starting sentences with, "You always," and, "You never," as in, "You always come home late!" or, "You never do what I want to do!" Stop and think about whether or

not this is really true. 4. Being Right- It's damaging to decide that there's a "right" way to look at things and a "wrong" way to look at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. 5. Mind-Reading - This creates hostility and misunderstandings. It's important to keep in mind that we all come from a unique perspective and work hard to assume nothing; really listen to the other person and let them explain where they are coming from. 6. Forgetting to Listen- Don't underestimate the importance of really listening and empathizing with the other person! These listening skills are important to bear in mind. 7. Playing the Blame Game- Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming. Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both. 8. Trying to “Win” the argument- The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. 9. Making Character Attacks- Sometimes people take any negative action from a partner and blow it up into a personality flaw. Remember to respect the person, even if you don't like the behavior. 10. Stonewalling- When one partner wants to discuss troubling issues in the relationship, sometimes people defensively stonewall, or refuse to talk or listen to their partner. Gender and Conflict Management The different communication styles of men and women lead to different approaches in dealing with conflict. Gender Differences: These can be seen in childhood Boys 1. Get their way by ordering one another around—”Lie down.” “Gimme your arm.” 2. Tell each other what roles to take in pretend play—”Come on, be a doctor.” Girls 1. More likely to make proposals for action, using words like “Let’s” and “We.” “Let’s go find some.” 2. More likely to ask each other what role they want to play. “Will you be the patient for a few minutes?” Men and Women 1. Men are described as being more concerned with power and more interested in content than relational issues. 2. Women are described as being more concerned with maintaining the relationship during a conflict. 3. Need to Learn Flexibility is what Deborah Tannen suggests: a. Women who avoid conflict at all costs would be better off if they learned that a little conflict would not kill them. b. Men who often take oppositional stances would be better off if they broke their addiction to conflict. A look at the entire body of research on gender and conflict suggests that the differences in how the two sexes handle conflict are actually rather small. Although men and women may have characteristically different conflict styles, the individual style of each communicator – regardless of gender—and the nature of the relationship are more important than gender in shaping the way he or she handles conflict. Benjamin Seider, psychology student from University of California, Berkeley studied 154

couples in the lab noted that couples that use the pronoun we behave in more positive ways during disagreements. Couples who regularly talk about their conflicts saying we, our, and us show more affection and less anger during arguments. Couples that use pronouns that express separateness, such as I, you, and me, have lower levels of marital satisfaction. Gender and You Who Makes the Decisions at Home? According to the Pew Research Center (2008), of the 1,260 individuals surveyed, either married or living together, women wield more decision-making power at home. Regarding decisions, in 43% of the couples, almost twice as many women as men made decisions in four areas, such as planning weekend activities, household finances, major home purchases, and TV watching. This same survey also found that 43% of men do not have the final say in any of those decisions. They either share the decision making or defer to their partners.  Finances – As for household finances, the Pew study found that couples disagree on who has the greater influence. Approximately 45% of women surveyed said they manage the family’s money, while 37% of the men state they manage it.  Age –Does it Matter in the Decision-Making Process? Older couples are more likely than younger couples to make a decision together, the study found. More than one third of those 65 or older said they share in the decision-making in at least three or four areas. Culture and Conflict Management This varies depending on an individual’s cultural background. The loyalty we often feel towards our own culture and traditions can sometimes mean we find it difficult to understand another’s. In a relationship situation when two people have differing beliefs, it is these feelings that can be pushed to the forefront, overwhelming the individual feelings we have for one another. Making families mesh and understand one another when they come from two completely different backgrounds isn’t always the easiest thing. One way to appreciate each other’s culture is to learn how to express love (and other stuff) in different languages. (Kruschewsky, 2014). High-Context Cultures: These cultures value self-restraint, avoid confrontation, rely heavily on nonverbal systems, and give a great deal of meaning to the relationships between communicators. Preserving and honoring the face of the other person are prime goals. They manage conflict more indirectly. Examples: Japanese, Chinese, Asian, and Latin-American cultures. Low-Context Cultures: These cultures use more explicit language, are more direct in their meanings, rely less on nonverbal systems, and stress goals and outcomes more than relationships. They manage conflict more directly—more confrontational. Examples: German, Swedish, American, and English cultures It should be noted that although the aforementioned examples are based on cultural norms, there are variations and individual differences within cultures. Due to assimilation and acculturation, second and third generation family members may not demonstrate some of the strong cultural norms of their previous generations that may have immigrated to the United States. Even within first generation families, not everyone follows the above cultural norms associated with various cultural groups. Strategies for Handling Conflict When you approach a conflict situation, you can choose to avoid the situation, fight with the use of power and force, or you can move toward, using negotiation skills. Most research indicates that in deciding how to handle conflict, two distinct factors come in to play: assertiveness, the degree to which you want to have your own way or satisfy your own interest; cooperativeness,

the degree to which you are concerned about maintaining the relationship or satisfying the concerns of others. Therefore, depending on the levels of assertiveness and cooperativeness, there are five general strategies for handling conflict: avoiding, accommodating, competing or forcing, compromising, and collaborating. See Table 7.4. 1. Avoiding Strategy (Lose-Lose). In this approach, individuals attempt to passively ignore the conflict rather than resolve it. They may avoid the conflict by refusing to take a stance, physically leaving it, or escaping the conflict by mentally leaving the conflict. People who use this strategy hope that ignoring the problem will make it go away. If the relationship is important or the conflict is much greater, avoiding the conflict generally results in greater misunderstandings, resentments, hurt feelings, and more conflicts. Avoiders have a low concern for self and others, and a lose-lose situation is created because the conflict is not resolved. 2. Accommodating Strategy (Lose-Win). When using this strategy, individuals attempt to resolve the conflict by passively giving in to the other party. The accommodating approach is unassertive and cooperative. Individuals who use this strategy prefer harmony to conflict, desire to be liked, and believe that conflict is damaging to relationships. If you don’t have strong preferences or feelings about a particular situation or issue, occasional accommodating is appropriate. However, if you often find yourself “giving in” just to please the other person, you will probably have feelings of resentment and are increasingly taken advantage of by the other person. This approach represents a low concern for self and a high concern for others, thus resulting in a lose-win situation. 3. Competing or Forcing (Win-Lose or maybe even Lose-Lose). This strategy is characterized by the use of aggressive behavior, an uncooperative attitude, and an autocratic attempt to satisfy one’s own needs at the expense of others, if necessary. When maintaining close supportive relationships is not critical, this strategy is sometimes used. Since this win-lose approach to conflict involves a high concern for self and low concern for others, deep feelings of resentment and hostility often result. In some instances, feelings of wanting to get even and compete on a deeper level may even result in a loselose situation. 4. Compromising Strategy (Partial Lose-Lose). This approach is used with attempts to resolve the conflict through assertive give-and-take concessions or cooperation. Compromisers value harmony as well as individual satisfaction and often will try to work out the situation so nobody gets all he or she wants, but everyone gets something. Compromising is a constructive way to resolve conflicts because neither side experiences a total loss and both sides experience some sense of winning, thereby resulting in a partial lose-lose outcome. The advantage of this strategy is that the conflict is resolved, and relationships are maintained. 5. Collaborating Strategy (Win-Win). Using this strategy, parties attempt to jointly resolve the conflict with the best solution agreeable to all parties. Since collaborating involves a high degree of assertiveness and a high degree of cooperation, it is also called the problem-solving strategy. Collaborating encourages openness and honesty and stresses the importance of criticizing or critiquing ideas rather than the persons involved. Because there is a high concern for self and others, collaborating tends to produce a climate of trust and respect in a win-win situation.

Research shows if you participate in coming up with a solution, you are more likely to comply with it. Mastering Interpersonal Conflict It is highly possible to resolve conflict constructively. Here are a few general suggestions and guidelines to remember: • Choose your battles carefully. Is this a minor, moderate or major conflict? Think about the conflict before you react. • Be calm, no yelling or speaking in harsh, loud tones. Avoid loaded words that may hurt or harm others--- no “put downs.” • Don’t blame the other person or make accusations. Tell the other party how you feel. Rather than, “You make me mad…”, or “It’s all your fault…”, say, “I am angry…”, or “I like it when we cook dinner together.” • Do not demand. Remember to request. Rather than, “You should… or You ought to…” say, “I would appreciate your watering the yard.” • Do not bring up the past. Doing so will only kindle old resentments and get in your way of dealing with the current problem. • Avoid categorical statements like “You always…” or “You never…” These statements will only put the other person on the defensive. • Take responsibility for your actions. Stop wanting to be right. Do not be afraid to say, “I made a mistake. I am sorry. Please forgive me.” It is often amazing how many hours are spent avoiding just saying, “I was wrong.” • Listen without judging by showing respect for the other person and his/her position. Try to emphasize and understand his/her frame of reference. The Pillow Method. When it seems impossible to gain empathy and understand another position and frame of reference, it might be helpful to remember the pillow method. Author and poet Paul Reps describes how a group of Japanese school children created it to remind people that a problem can be viewed from four different angles (like the four corners of a pillow). And, it just might be possible to form a new conclusion based on your new view of the issue, which is the middle of the pillow. This technique is now taught in business schools throughout the world. Here are the angles or positions to cons...