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Date with Death By Steven Hayet

Copyright 2018

Steven Hayet Email: [email protected] Phone: 848-459-5456

DATE WITH DEATH

CHARACTERS: KAREN – female, 20-30’s ANGELA- female, 20-30’s DAVID- male, 20-30’s

SETTING: Karen’s apartment. Present day.

SYNOPSIS: Dating is hell. Rather than deal with the awkwardness of turning someone down, Angela prefers murder. However, this time, her baggage does not go unnoticed.

1

DATE WITH DEATH SETTING:

(It’s nighttime at Karen’s apartment. Karen is sitting on her couch reading a book. There’s a knock on the door. Karen walks over and opens it. It’s Angela.)

ANGELA Hi, Karen. I’m sorry to come by so late, but is it okay if I spend the night? KAREN Okay. (As Karen is talking, Angela drags in a huge duffle bag that obviously has a dead body in it. Well, obvious to everyone except Karen.) What are you scared of this time? Roaches? A movie? I told you not to watch anything with puppets in it. They always freak you out. (Seeing the duffle bag.) Holy crap, Angela. How long are you planning on staying? ANGELA Just a night. (Angela goes out in the hallway again.) KAREN A night? All that for a night? You know I do own stuff. I have pillows, towels. (Karen sees Angela standing in the doorway with a small wheeled suitcase. She looks back at the duffle bag. She realizes what’s it and says with disgust.) Oh, not again! ANGELA I’m sorry. KAREN You need to stop doing this!

2

ANGELA I said I’m sorry. KAREN Can’t you just break up with guys like a normal person? ANGELA It’s not that easy. KAREN Not that easy? ANGELA Everytime I go on a date, and no matter how well or poorly it goes, he’s going to ask me to go on a second. KAREN Poor baby. ANGELA I can’t help it. I’m a real world “4”, but an eHarmony “8”. (Beat.) After every date, these guys will text me, or call me, or just show up at my place, and be like “Oh, Angela, I had such an amazing time. We should do it again!” and it’s SO awkward. If I leave the door to romance open at all, they try to kick it open. If I shut it, they just keep knocking. I hate it! It’s so much easier to end it quickly. Way less painful. KAREN For you. ANGELA And for them, I’d like to think. Rejection is painful. Especially when it’s by a real world “4.” KAREN But even rejection has got to be better than...that. ANGELA Is it?

3

KAREN Yes! And don’t spin this like you are being noble, returning these Spartans from battle on their shields. ANGELA You haven’t met the guys I’ve had to go on dates with. KAREN Then you stop going out with these weirdos you meet online. Did you ever call my co-worker Greg? When I told him about you, he was really excited. He’s smart, funny, wears deodorant. I totally think you guys would hit it off. (Angela sheepishly looks at the duffle bag.) KAREN Really!?! ANGELA I’m sorry. KAREN What is wrong with you? ANGELA Karen! KAREN I am going to have so much extra work now to do on Monday! It’s the end of the quarter and I told you we were already short staffed! ANGELA I forgot! KAREN No you didn’t! You just only think about yourself! ANGELA I swear! If I knew it was going to cause you more work, I would have never...you know.

4

(There is a knock on the door.) DAVID (Offstage.) Police! KAREN Oh crap, crap, crap! ANGELA I’m sorry! KAREN Stop apologizing! ANGELA What do we do? (David knocks again.) KAREN (To David.) I’m coming! (To Angela.) Hide! ANGELA What about Greg? KAREN We’ll hire a temp! That’s not important right now. ANGELA (Pointing to the bag.) No. Greg. KAREN Behind the couch! (David knocks again.) DAVID (Offstage.) Open up. Or I will have no choice but to break the door down.

5

KAREN (To David.) One second! (to Angela) Let’s go. (Karen & Angela awkwardly try to move the bag, but it’s extremely difficult. Greg was not a svelt dude. At one point, the bag falls on top of Angela, pinning her legs to the ground.) DAVID (Offstage.) I’m going to give you to the count of five. (Pause.) Five. Four. Three. Two(As he is counting down, Karen is able to free Angela. Angela ducks behind the couch, and just as David is about to say “One,” Karen opens the door.) KAREN (With a fake calm overconfidence.) How can I help you, Officer? DAVID (All business.) I’m Detective Stewart. (He flashes his badge.) I’m looking for Angela McKinnon. Just wanted to ask her a couple questions. I heard she’s here. KAREN I’m sorry. Haven’t seen her. DAVID You sure? KAREN Positive.

6

DAVID Then your doorman who saw her is a liar. KAREN I’m sure he must be mistaken. He has terrible vision. There’s a reason he’s the night doorman and not the night “watch”-man. Get it? DAVID So he didn’t see her come up to your apartment dragging a giant duffle bag, like that one. KAREN That is SO weird. I’ve had this duffle bag for years and I’ve never seen one like it before. To think someone has the same one. Wow. DAVID Mam, we both know Angela is here. The sooner you stop with this nonsense, the sooner I can get my answers and be on my way. Where is Angela? (A pause and a staredown.) KAREN I have no idea whereANGELA (Popping out from behind the couch.) Oh hello, Officer! I thought I heard someone call my name. Can I help you? DAVID (Awkwardly.) Angela. Hi. It’s good to see you again. You look terrific.

ANGELA I’m sorry, but have we met before…? DAVID It’s David. Call me, David.

7

ANGELA (Trying to figure it out.) David... DAVID We went on a date a couple years back. I looked a little different then. ANGELA (Thinks for a second.) Oh my God. Did you have long hair and DAVID - and a wanna-be Gandalf beard. Yeah. I actually thought I could pull it off. ANGELA You couldn’t. DAVID Oh, I most certainly could not. ANGELA You look great. Suprisingly intact... emotionally... and physically. Really... well put together. DAVID Thanks. That means a lot to hear you say that. (Beat.) Angela, I think a lot about our first date (Beat.) - our only date - and I had an absolutely amazing time. When I walked you back to your apartment, and you invited me up for drinks, I felt this could be the start of something incredible. (Beat.) But next thing I remember I’m waking up in a dumpster, bleeding from my head, never to hear from you again. (Beat.) It was a real wake-up for me. My life now had a purpose. I cut my hair, joined the academy, and after three years of doing topnotch police work, made detective. Just last week.

8

KAREN Congratulations! DAVID And I made it a point to make this my first caseKAREN What? DAVID To find the woman who stole my heart three years ago. So, Angela McKinnon, will you make me the happiest man in the precinct and give me that second date I’ve dreamt about for years? (After a pause.) ANGELA No... (Another pause.) DAVID (Clearly hurt.) Ok...that’s cool. Totally cool... Well, then...I guess... (Beat. He pulls out a notepad.) Angela McKinnon, you are under arrest for the murders of (Reading.) Jonathan Carter, Michael Dubin, Christopher Bay, Jason Phillips, Paul Anderson, Vincent Pollack, George Richards, Jeremiah… ANGELA David DAVID Excuse me, I still have a few more to go. (Back to reading) Peter Gregory, Simon DubinskyANGELA David, we get the point -

9

DAVID (Pouty.) It’s Detective Stewart and I have a job to do! I didn’t even get to the “right to remain silent” part yet because you keep talking! ANGELA Detective Stewart! DAVID What?!?! ANGELA If you knew I killed all of those men - allegedly - why do you want a second date with me? DAVID I don’t care what you’ve done with other guys. ANGELA Really? Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I thought being a Black Widow is a turn off for guys. KAREN Right?! DAVID Angela, please. Who hasn’t killed someone to get out of an awkward situation? (He subconsciously adjusts his holster.) I just thought we had something different, you know? We clicked on so many levels. I believed it was fate that swiped both of our fingers right and brought us together that night. Look how wrong I was. To you, I’m no different than those twenty-seven other guys. KAREN Twenty-seven? Holy shit. ANGELA David, I have to be honest with you.

10

DAVID Yes? ANGELA You were incredibly awkward. It’s why I didn’t want a second date. KAREN Not helping. DAVID Angela, we both know that’s not true. I distinctly remember having a lovely conversation about my pets. ANGELA No one cares about your goldfish, David. They’re boring. They swim in circles for a few weeks and then they die. The only thing more boring than having goldfish is talking about goldfish. DAVID Then why did you invite me up to your place, huh, if I’m so dreadful to be around? (Angela says nothing.) Oh, what? Now you want to do the “right to remain silent” part? If you didn’t like me, why did you want to spend more time with me? ANGELA It’s not youDAVID Please. Don’t give me that.

11

ANGELA It’s true. (Beat.) I have a problem saying “No.” I feel awkward and icky and... As boring as you were, you seemed like a nice enough guy. And I didn’t want to be the one who hurt you. You were sweet. Like ice cream. You may not be the flavor I was craving, but you’re still ice cream, which is pretty darn awesome. I knew you were going to want a second date and I just couldn’t tell you “No.” DAVID Bullshit. You just told me “No” a minute ago. ANGELA (Realizing.) I did. Oh my God, I did! And it didn’t feel awkward at all! (Beat.) David, you’re the first man I’ve met where it’s been easier to say “No” than to just straight up murder him. DAVID I don’t mean this to sound sappy, but isn’t that what love is? (A quick pause.) KAREN No. No, it’s not. ANGELA David, would you like to go get some coffee? DAVID For real? Or is this another... (He glances at the body bag.) let me down easy. ANGELA No. No. No. For real. DAVID I’d love to.

12

ANGELA Yay! (To Karen.) Karen, watch my stuff. We’re going to the diner. If I’m not back by two, call the police. DAVID (To Karen.) Same! If I’m not back by two, call the police. ANGELA Oh you. (They exit. Karen is left alone with a body bag. Karen picks up her book and sits down back on the couch.) KAREN (To the bag.) So Greg, I guess it’s just you and me tonight. Well, not the worst date I’ve had. (Blackout.)...