Death Knocks by Woody Allen PDF

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DeathKnocks byWoodyAllen   TheplaytakesplaceinthebedroomoftheNatAckermans' twostoryhouse,somewhereinKewGardens.Thecarpetingis walltowall.Thereisabigdoublebedandalargevanity.The roomiselaboratelyfurnishedandcurtained,andonthewallthere areseveralpaintingsandanotreallyattractivebarometer.Soft themmusicasthecurtainrises.NatAckermans,abald,paunchy fiftysevenyearolddressmanufacturerislyingonthebed finishingofftomorrow's D  ailyNews.Hewearsabathrobeand slippers,andreadsbyabedlightclippedtothewhiteheadboard ofthebed.Thetimeisnearmidnight.Suddenlywehearanoise, andNatsitsupandlooksatthewindow.  NAT:Whatthehellisthat? (Climbingawkwardlythroughthewindowisasombre,caped figure.Theintruderwearsablackhoodandskintightblack clothes.Thehoodcovershisheadbutnothisface,whichis middleagedandstarkwhite.HeissomethinglikeNatin appearance.Hehuffsaudiblyandthentripsoverthewindowsill andfallsintotheroom.) DEATH(foritisnooneelse ) :JesusChrist.Inearlybrokemy neck. NAT:(watchingwithbewilderment ) :Whoareyou? DEATH:Death NAT:Who? DEATH:Death.ListencanIsitdown?Inearlybrokemy neck.I'mshakinglikealeaf. NAT:Whoareyou? DEATH:Death . Yougotaglassofwater? NAT:Death?Whatdoyoumean,Death? DEATH:Whatiswrongwithyou?Youseetheblackcostume andthewhitenedface? NAT:Yeah DEATH:IsitHalloween? NAT:No DEATH:ThenI'mDeath.NowcanIgetaglassofwaterora Fresca?

NAT:Ifthisissomejoke DEATH:Whatkindofjoke?You'refiftyseven?NatAckerman? OneeighteenPacificStreet?UnlessIblewitwhere'sthecall sheet?(Hefumblesthroughpocket,finallyproducingacardwith anaddressonit.Itseemstocheck. )  NAT:Whatdoyouwantwithme? DEATH:WhatdoIwant?WhatdoyouthinkIwant? NAT:Youmustbekidding.I'minperfecthealth. DEATH(unimpressed ) :Unhuh.(Lookingaround ) Thisisa niceplace.Youdoityourself? NAT:Wehadadecorator,butweworkedwithher. DEATH(lookingatpictureonthewall ) :Ilovethosekidswith thebigeyes. NAT:Idon'twanttogoyet. DEATH:You  don'twanttogo?Pleasedon'tstartin.Asitis, I'mnauseousfromtheclimb. NAT:Whatclimb? DEATH:Iclimbedupthedrainpipe.Iwastryingtomakea dramaticentrance.Iseethebigwindowsandyou'reawake reading.Ifigureit'sworthashot.I'llclimbupandenterwithalittle youknow...(Snapsfingers ) Meanwhile,Igetmyheelcaughton somevines,thedrainpipebreaks,andI'mhangingbyathread. Thenmycapebeginstotear.Look,let'sjustgo.It'sbeenarough night. NAT:Youbrokemydrainpipe? DEATH:Broke.Itdidn'tbreak.It'salittlebent.Didn'tyouhear anything?Islammedintotheground. NAT:Iwasreading. DEATH:Youmusthavereallybenengrossed.(Lifting newspaperNATwasreading ) "NABCOEDSINPOTORGY."Can Iborrowthis? NAT:I'mnotfinished. DEATH:ErIdon'tknowhowtoputthistoyou,pal... NAT:Whydidn'tyoujustringdownstairs? DEATH:I'mtellingyou,Icouldhave,buthowdoesthatlook? ThiswayIgetalittledramagoing.Something.Didyouread Faust ?   NAT:What? DEATH:Andwhatifyouhadcompany?You'resittingthere withimportantpeople.I'mDeathIshouldringthebelland traipserightinthefront?Where'syourthinking? NAT:Listen,Mister,it'sverylate.

DEATH:Yeah.We'llyouwanttogo? NAT:Gowhere? DEATH:Death.It.TheThing.TheHappyHuntingGrounds. (Lookingathisownknee ) Y'know,that'saprettybadcut.Myfirst job.I'mliabletogetgangreneyet. NAT:Now,waitaminute.Ineedtime.I'mnotreadytogo. DEATH:I'msorry.Ican'thelpyou.I'dliketo,butit'sthe moment. NAT:Howcanitbethemoment?IjustmergedwithModiste Originals. DEATH:What'sthedifference,acouplebucksmoreorless? NAT:Sure,whatdoyoucare?Youguysprobablyhaveallyour expensespaid. DEATH:Youwanttocomealongnow? NAT(studyinghim ) :I'msorry,butIcannotbelieveyou're Death. DEATH:Why?What'dyouexpectRockHudson? NAT:Noit'snotthat. DEATH:I'msorryIdisappointedyou. NAT:Don'tgetupset.Idon'tknow,Ialwaysthoughtyou'dbe ...un...taller. DEATH:I'mfiveseven.It'saverageformyweight. NAT:Youlookalittlelikeme. DEATH:WhoshouldIlooklike?I'myou'redeath. NAT:Givemesometime.Anotherday. DEATH:Ican't.Whatdoyouwantmetosay? NAT:Onemoreday.Twentyfourhours. DEATH:Whatdoyouneeditfor.Theradiosaidraintomorrow. NAT:Can'tweworkoutsomething? DEATH:Likewhat? NAT:Youplaychess? DEATH:No,Idon't. NAT:Ioncesawapictureofyouplayingchess. DEATH:Couldn'tbeme,becauseIdon'tplaychess.Gin rummy,maybe. NAT:Youplayginrummy? DEATH:DoIplaygunrummy?IsParisacity? NAT:You'regood,huh? DEATH:Verygood. NAT:I'lltellyouwhatI'lldo DEATH:Don'tmakeanydealswithme. NAT:I'llplayyouginrummy.Ifyouwin,I'llgoimmediately.IfI

win,givemesomemoretime.Alittlebitonemoreday. DEATH:Who'sgottimetoplayginrummy? NAT:Comeon.Ifyou'resogood. DEATH:AlthoughIfeellikeagame... NAT:Comeon.Beasport.WE'llshootforahalfhour. DEATH:Ireallyshouldn't. NAT:Igotcardsrighthere.Don'tmakeaproduction. DEATH:Allright,comeon.We'llplayalittle.It'llrelaxme. NAT(gettingcards,pad,andpencil ) :Youwon'tregretthis. DEATH:Don'tgivemeasalestalk.Getthecardsandgiveme aFrescaandputoutsomething.ForGod'ssake,astrangerdrops in,youdon'thavepotatochipsorpretzels. NAT:There'sM&M'sdownstairsinadish. DEATH:M&M's.WhatifthePresidentcame?He'dgetM&M's, too? NAT:You'renotthePresident. DEATH:Deal (Natdeals,turnsupafive )  NAT:Youwanttoplayatenthofacentapointtomakeit interesting? DEATH:It'snotinterestingenoughforyou? NAT:Iplaybetterwhenmoney'satstake. DEATH:Whateveryousay,Newt. NAT:Nat.NatAckerman.Youdon'tknowmyname? DEATH:Newt,NatIgotsuchaheadache. NAT:Youwantthatfive? DEATH:No. NAT:Sopick. DEATH(surveyinghishandashepicks. ) :Jesus,Igotnothing here. NAT:What'sitlike? DEATH:What'swhatlike? (Throughoutthefollowing,theypickanddiscard. )  NAT:Death. DEATH:Whatshoulditbelike?Youlaythere. NAT:Isthereanythingafter? DEATH:Aha,you'resavingtwos. NAT:I'masking.Isthereanythingafter? DEATH(absently ) :You'llsee. NAT:Oh,thenIwillactuallyseesomething? DEATH:Well,maybeIshouldn'thaveputitthatway.Throw. NAT:Togetananswerfromyouisabigdeal.

DEATH:I'mplayingcards. NAT:Allright,play,play. DEATH:Meanwhile,I'mgivingyouonecardafteranother. NAT:Don'tlookthroughthediscards. DEATH:I'mnotlooking.I'mstraighteningthemup.Whatwas theknockcard? NAT:Four.Youreadytoknockalready? DEATH:WhosaidI'mreadytoknock?AllIaskedwaswhat wastheknockcard? NAT:AndallIaskedwasisthereanythingformetolook forwardto. DEATH:Play NAT:Can'tyoutellmeanything?Wheredowego? DEATH:We?Totellyouthetruth,you  fallinacrumplingheap onthefloor. NAT:Oh,Ican'twaitforthat!Isitgoingtohurt? DEATH:Beoverinasecond. NAT:Terrific.(Sighs ) Ineedthis.AmanmergeswithModiste Originals... DEATH:How'sfourpoints? NAT:Yourknocking? DEATH:Fourpointsisgood? NAT:No,Igottwo. DEATH:You'rekidding. NAT:No,youlose. DEATH:HolyChrist,andIthoughtyouweresavingsixes. NAT:No.Yourdeal.Twentypointsandtwoboxes.Shoot. (Deathdeals. ) Imustfallonthefloor,eh?Ican'tbestandingover asofawhenithappens? DEATH:No.Play. NAT:Whynot? DEATH:Becauseyoufallonthefloor!Leavemealone.I'm tryingtoconcentrate. NAT:Whymustitbeonthefloor?That'sallI'msaying!Why can'tthewholethinghappenandI'llstandnexttothesofa? DEATH:I'lltrymybest.Nowcanweplay? NAT:That'sallI'msaying.YouremindmeofMoeLefkowitz. He'salsostubborn. DEATH:IremindhimofMoeLefkowitz.I'moneofthemost terrifyingfiguresyoucouldpossiblyimagine,andhimIremindof MoeLefkowitz.Whatishe,afurrier? NAT:Youshouldbesuchafurrier.He'sgoodforeighty

thousandayear.Passementeries.Hegothisownfactory.Two points. DEATH:What? NAT:Twopoints.I'mknocking.Whathaveyougot? DEATH:Myhandislikeabasketballscore. NAT:Andit'sspades. DEATH:Ifyoudidn'ttalksomuch. (Theyredealandplayon. )  NAT:What'syoumeanbeforewhenyousaidthiswasyour firstjob? DEATH:Whatdoesitsoundlike? NAT:Whatareyoutellingmethatnobodyeverwentbefore? DEATH:Suretheywent.ButIdon'ttakethem. NAT:Sowhodid? DEATH:Others NAT:There'sothers? DEATH:Sure.Eachonehashisownpersonalwayofgoing. NAT:Ineverknewthat. DEATH:Whyshouldyouknow?Whoareyou? NAT:WhatdoyoumeanwhoamI?WhyI'mnothing? DEATH:Notnothing.You'readressmanufacturer.Wheredo youcometoknowledgeoftheeternalmysteries? NAT:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Imakeabeautifuldollar.I sentmytwokidsthroughcollege.Oneisinadvertising,theother's married.Igotmyownhome.IdriveaChrysler.Mywifehas whatevershewants.Maids,minkcoat,vacations.Rightnowshe's attheEdenRoc.Fiftydollarsadaybecauseshewantstobenear hersister.I'msupposetojoinhernextweek,sowhatdoyouthink Iamsomeguyoffthestreet? DEATH:Allright.Don'tbesotouchy. NAT:Who'stouchy? DEATH:HowwouldyoulikeitifIgotinsultedquickly? NAT:DidIinsultyou? DEATH:Youdidn'tsayyouweredisappointedinme? NAT:Whatdoyouexpect?Youwantmetothrowyouablock party? DEATH:I'mnottalkingaboutthat.Imeanmepersonally.I'm tooshort.I'mthis,I'mthat. NAT:Isaidyoulooklikeme.It'slikeareflection. DEATH:Allright,deal,deal. (Theycontinuetoplayasmusicstealsinandthelightsdimuntil allisintotaldarkness.Thelightscomeupagain,andnowitis

laterandtheirgameisover.Nattallies. )  NAT:Sixtyeight...onefifty...Well,youlose. DEATH:(dejectedlylookingthroughthedeck ) :IknewI shouldn'thavethrownthatnine.Damnit. NAT:SoI'llseeyoutomorrow. DEATH:Whatdoyoumeanyou'llseemetomorrow? NAT:Iwontheextraday.Leavemealone. DEATH:Youwereserious? NAT:Wemadeadeal. DEATH:Yeah,but NAT:Don't"but"me.Iwontwentyfourhours.Comeback tomorrow. DEATH:Ididn'tknowwewereactuallyplayingfortime. NAT:That'stoobadforyou.Youshouldpayattention. DEATH:WhereamIgoingtogofortwentyfourhours? NAT:What'sthedifference?ThemainthingisIwonanextra day. DEATH:Whatdoyouwantmetodowalkthestreets? NAT:Checkintoahotelandgotoamovie.Takeaschvitz .  Don'tmakeafederalcase. DEATH:Addthescoreagain. NAT:Plusyouowemetwentyeightdollars. DEATH:What? NAT:That'sright,Buster.Hereitisreadit. DEATH(goingthroughpockets ) :Ihaveafewsinglesnot twentyeightdollars. NAT:I'lltakeacheck. DEATH:Fromwhataccount? NAT:LookwhoI'mdealingwith. DEATH:Sueme.WheredoIkeepmycheckingaccount? NAT:Allright,gimmewhatyougotandwe'llcallitsquare. DEATH:Listen,Ineedthatmoney. NAT:Whyshouldyouneedmoney? DEATH:Whatareyoutalkingabout?You'regoingtothe Beyond. NAT:So? DEATH:Soyouknowhowfarthatis? NAT:So? DEATH:Sowhere'sgas?Where'stolls? NAT:We'regoingbycar! DEATH:You'llfindout.(Agitatedly ) LookI'llbeback tomorrow,andyou'llgivemeachancetowinmymoneyback.

OtherwiseI'mindefinitetrouble. NAT:Anythingyouwant.Doubleornothingwe'llplay.I'mliable towinanextraweekoramonth.Thewayyouplay,maybeyears. DEATH:MeantimeI'mstranded. NAT:Seeyoutomorrow. DEATH(beingedgedtothedoorway ) :Where'sagoodhotel? WhatamItalkingabouthotel,Igotnomoney.I'llgositin Blickford's.(Hepicksupthe  News.) NAT:Out.Out.That'smypaper.(Hetakesitback . ) DEATH(exiting ) :Icouldn'tjusttakehimandgo.Ihadtoget involvedinrummy. NAT(callingafterhim ) :Andbecarefulgoingdownstairs.On oneofthestepstherugisloose. (And,oncue,wehearaterrificcrash.Natsighs,thencrossesto thebedsidetableandmakesaphonecall. )  NAT:Hello,Moe?Me.Listen,Idon'tknowifsomebody's playingajoke,orwhat,butDeathwasjusthere.Weplayedalittle gin...NoDeath . Inperson.OrsomebodywhoclaimstobeDeath. But,Moe,he'ssuchaschlep !  CURTAIN ...