Empty Nest Syndrome - Lecture notes 1 PDF

Preview

Summary

Empty Nest Syndrome...

Description

Empty Nest Syndrome What happens when the children leave?

The adventure of marriage implies that just as the problems of one stage begin to be solved, the next provides new tasks to solve. The stage of the emancipation of the children constitutes a developmental crisis, which the couple must go through and which brings with it a series of changes at the relational level and also at the individual level. When children leave home to live independently, either to form a new family or to make their life, separated from the parental home, it is common for parents to have feelings of sadness, emptiness, worthlessness, longing for past times , anguish, among others. In general, these feelings are registered in women, who have played a major role in raising children. The Empty Nest Syndrome is known among the adult population over 40 years of age. It involves a very particular task: a re-encounter with the other, a conjugal re-discovery and a renegotiation of the relationship already stripped of the role of parents. This new stage is a great challenge for the couple, since they lived many years in the service of others and from this evolutionary moment, they must learn to invest time in themselves, developing new skills and abilities that help to overcome this phase. It is the passage from "being parents" to "being a couple" again, accepting that the children have grown and continued on their way. As of the departure of the children from the home, a marital restructuring takes place, in aspects related to the daily coexistence and the functioning of the same. A restructuring of the roles that each member assumed at a given moment in the life cycle of the family, which is why the categories of analysis proposed have to do with the intimacy of the couple relationship, with the formulation and reformulation of vital projects, both individually and as a couple, the area of communication and problem solving, the area of work and its implication in the lives of the members of the couple, the resources recognized and used to face the difficulties and problems that arise through the life cycle, the daily life and the pacts and agreements that unite the conjugal system, among others.

The questions that helped to structure this research were: How does each member of the couple experience the departure of their children? How is the process of marital restructuring? Are there gender differences? With these research questions, the work objectives that guided the present thesis: 1) General objectives: a) Describe what are the crises and changes that the couple goes through throughout the life cycle

2) Specific objectives: a) Inquire about the experience of the empty nest in each member of the conjugal couple and if there are gender differences. b) Evaluate different experiences with this stage of the life cycle based on different family configurations.

This thesis is divided into two parts, a theoretical and a practical, both, in turn, divided into chapters: In Chapter 1, a journey is made through the concept of the Couple, its characteristics and functions, and its historical evolution, also passing through the changes it has undergone in recent decades. There will also be a development about the parameters that make up the relational contract of couples and the characteristics that define them. In Chapter 2, a brief development of the Life Cycle concept and the modifications and implications of its study are presented. Likewise, the stages that comprise it are presented, in addition to a relationship between the Life Cycle and the concept of Crisis and Change, delving into the different types of crises that a system can suffer throughout its life cycle, such as crises. unexpected, development crises, helplessness crises and structural crises. Emphasis is placed on development crises, since the study subject of this work qualifies as one of them. The chapter ends with the various developmental crises typical of the married couple. Chapter 3 is a theoretical development of the concept of Empty Nest Syndrome and its relationship with the Grief process that this stage as such implies. With chapter 4, the methodological section begins. This chapter contains the description of the research methodology used in this work, specifying the type of study, objectives, design and the way in which the data were obtained. Then, the results are presented and analyzed. Finally, conclusions and bibliography used.

- 12 -

CHAPTER 1 "The couple"

“A union between man and woman will be born, much truer, much stronger, much more worthy of respect. The magnificent union of two equal beings that will enrich each other since they have different riches " Victoria Ocampo

One of the most important emotional relationships established within the family is that of a couple, a relationship that sets the tone for the development and evolution of the next generation. However, the couple has not always been seen as an important relationship for the development of the individual. Being able to choose the person with whom you want to share your life is a process that has occurred through the development of different cultures and societies. If before it was chosen based on political, ethnic or economic interests, today, it is chosen by complementarity or affinity. It is chosen based on common tastes, goals, skills or objectives. (Garrido Garduño, Reyes Luna, Torres Velázquez and Ortega Silva, 2008) “The couple is the most difficult society to carry on and possibly the most wonderful as well; undoubtedly it implies a great challenge for humanity ”(Omar Biscotti, 2006: 13).The couple is a stable and prolonged system in time, which implies the bond or union between two people. It experiences a series of normal changes and crises throughout its life cycle, from which the effort that both members make to overcome them is what allows them to continue functioning as such. (Monaco, 2009) Among the roles that human beings develop within the family is that of a couple, which will be one of the main functions throughout life (Estrada 2003, Rage 1996, 1997 cited in Garrido Garduño, 2008). Hence, the couple's relationship is considered a very close relationship since it establishes a characteristic emotional bond that does not occur with any other person.

What do we talk about when we talk about "couple"? How do we understand it? What is a couple?

1. CONCEPT OF COUPLE

Biscotti (2006) defines the couple as a relational construction sustained by of: both members through 1. the definition that each one gives of himself and gives the other (“I want you to see me, to feel that way”); 2. the definition that each one has of the other ("I see you, I think of you, I feel you like this"); 3. the definition that each receives from the other. From this, the couple is thought of as a primordial place that supports the identity, thinking about the herself as a permanent producer of the intergame between what we say we are, what we have been told and what they confirm to us from the contexts. We are in permanent interaction with the other and with the environment, who define us and at the same time define us. Thus, the couple is a context of individuality and a highly qualified context, both personal and social (Biscotti, 2006: 14). We define ourselves with that image that the other and the different contexts in which we develop, provide us and that helps us in the construction of our personal identity. To say that it is a "relational structure" speaks of a relationship in which the aforementioned interaction appears between its members, their expectations, those of their context of origin and those of the current ones. You could think of the couple as a simple structure, however it is a complex human organization. It is a system with particular elements. The couple as a bonding unit seems to be an obvious definition, but the context where it is founded, the participants and the terms that define it must be taken into account. It is not a static entity, but is in permanent change and evolution. There is no simple definition of the couple. Ricardo De La Espriella defines it as “a significant, consensual relationship, with stability over time, with an obvious reference (marriage)” (p. 176). However, there are couples that do not match what it imposes. The human couple is not a couple, it is not the same; makes the difference. It is neither similar, nor similar, nor similar, nor identical. It is full of facets. It is not a homogeneous or monotonous organization. Nor is it continuous (…). On the contrary, the human couple supposes contrasts, variations and instabilities that seek stability (p.176)

It assumes a different structure of the family with children, since it presents its own dynamics that must be approached and studied in a particular way, not only in reference to the family: not everything that is established for the latter can be generalized to the couple. (De La Espriella, 2008) The author speaks of "married couple", but even when there is no marriage in the strict sense, the words "couple" or "marriage" are often used interchangeably.

Estrada (2003, cited in Garrido Garduño, 2008) defines the "Couple" as a unit of interacting personalities that form a system of emotions and needs, interlocked, of the deepest nature. The couple relationship involves something more than the simple sum of two personalities; it is a new entity formed by the characteristics of two elements that create a relationship with its own identity. Forming a couple implies bringing into the relationship what has been lived and learned in the family of origin. The way in which the person develops as a couple is influenced by the roles that have been assimilated since childhood, by the culture in which they live and by their own cognitions.

The couple is referred to as a previous step to the formation of a family, which is recognized as such from the existence of the children, so it is not independent of the family reference. The couple itself is a sub-system of a larger structure and would not exist without reference to it (the family). It is a system with structure, organization, rules, roles, different from those of the family and, in turn, is related to broader systems (nuclear, extended family, etc.). It is an individual context that in turn is in continuous interrelation with the social context that exerts an influence on it.

1.1CONCORDANCE OR COMPLEMENTARITY?

“A couple is like the set of two (similar) wheels that, joined by an axle, (the relationship), go along the road and circulate alongside (they roll, advance alongside)” (Torres, Fittipaldi, 2004: 134). These authors pose the couple as a link, the set of these wheels joined by the axle. For this reason, people can bond, make a couple, with certain people who have certain characteristics and not others. In this regard, Silvia Fittipaldi says: I would not join the wheel of a truck and that of a car by means of an axle. It can only be attached with an axle to two similar, almost equal wheels, of the same size, for the same functions. Therefore, there are links that can work and others that do not, which does not mean that a person who cannot make a couple with a certain one, cannot do it with a third and achieve a positive link that allows him to advance in his evolution. (p.134).

These authors suggest that the couple is a bond of exchange, a mutual relationship, where differences are recognized and the other is seen as someone else and no attempt is made to change their personality or behavior, but instead attempts are made to negotiate. If this exchange did not exist, each member would cease in their shared personal evolution, the vital part of the couple, leaving only the formal, almost concrete bond. Vínculo comes from the Latin word “vinculum”, which means tie, but the more rigid this tie is, the less possibility of shared personal evolution. Pseudomutuality implies an effort to

maintain the agreement and avoid emotional confrontation, at the expense of the differentiation of the identity of the members of the relationship. Divergence is perceived as a destructive factor in the relationship, so it must be avoided, but by avoiding it, the relationship cannot grow. What is exchanged in this link? Love is mutually exchanged, which as a corollary, reaches third parties (children). It also involves a sexual exchange, of spiritual and intellectual knowledge. The exchange link is facilitated by the differences and similarities of the members. Torres refers that most of the treatises on couples refer to "complementarity", that is, something that is added to complete or perfect something. However, he prefers to use the word "concordance". At some point in the aforementioned exchange, this concordance is reached, which refers to the harmony between two different ones. To be harmonious, the members of a couple do not need to give up their individuality. Silvia Fittipaldi argues that there can be healthy and necessary complementarities. It also expresses that every couple that works well is unconsciously complementary in some respects. Agreement can refer more to a state of agreement or similar feeling regarding tastes, values or affinities, but for this agreement to have continuity, a healthy complementarity is needed in deep aspects, where each one is going to put what the other you need and you don't have. (2004: 136) Complementarity is a means that seeks agreement and balance. Complementarity and concordance, can be manifested in many areas of coexistence, for example, in the physical, sexual relationship, or in the various realizations of the bond, that is, any project carried out by the couple that results in mutual contribution in the accomplishment (example, raising children). Often, you find couples who feel that they have lost a kind of complicity that they had in other times: they refer to harmony and companionship. The worst enemy of these, of reaching agreements and their consequences, is the exacerbated narcissism of the members of the couple, which is manifested as selfishness (p.139). In long-term couples, spiritual affinity and concordance is what is perceived and transcended towards others. The agreements are based on these. It is fundamentally about continuing in mutuality an evolution of individual spiritual thought. (2004: 141). Perhaps that happens because these couples, who have already lived through stages of different experiences, have survived healthily because they have had that spiritual affinity that unites them in virtues. In more quiet times, we can say, already in the last stages of the life cycle (emancipation of the children, old age) is when there is more time for reflection and to make those virtues aware and even to relate learning even more from each other. The couple bond gives the possibility of sharing two worlds, the feminine and the masculine, learning, enriching each other and it also gives the possibility of

discovering new things together. Beyond the children they may have, there are shared experiences, common experiences that are ways of going out into the world. What is the role of confrontation in couples? Se considers confrontation as a dialectical mode that leads to an enrichment of concordance. So, it is a way to add, to make a couple, more than one plus one, because it is the enrichment of two thanks to that union. Confrontation is shock, but it also has a result. It is like a dialogue from the front, with the most honest of each one. It is a way to find a synthesis in a dialogue of different thoughts. It is not a bid for the power of reason, but an exercise that tests the ability to listen to others and the ability to

tolerate the frustration that inevitably proposes a mental position different from your own thinking. The power to negotiate, then, becomes a fundamental aspect for the continuity of the couple. It is the means to reach the agreements and pacts that sustain this link. There can be no agreement without a prior negotiation process between the members of the couple. Being in a couple one can discover in oneself, parts of the personality that were not known, either negative or positive. If they are positive, love is nurtured, the possibilities multiply, the person develops and the bond also grows. If they are negative, one can discover aspects that were unknown and that are rejectionable for oneself, which perhaps can be modified. There are also cases of people who, in certain links, with certain personalities, see aspects that they reject appear in themselves (“I don't like the way I am when I'm with you”) (Torres and Fittipaldi, 2004)

1.2COUPLE FUNCTIONS

With new structures, contradictions, crises, the human couple endures as an organization and a system. So, one wonders, what is the couple for? (Biscotti, 2006): 1. Confirmation of identity: the formation and maintenance of the parea are strongly determined by the need of its members to form an identity 2. Tendency to completeness: closely linked to the above even, determined by the biological differences that allow procreation and perpetuation of the species: the couple fulfills function of the place where the desired completeness is achieved. other has that which, at least, imaginatively, we believe we lack.

and the the The

3. Cell of social organization: just as the family is the cell of society, the couple is the cell of the family organization, therefore, also of the social one. 4. Compliance or rebellion to social and / or family mandates: it can be said that the formation of a couple is in the collective imagination. So much so, that children often play "being boyfriends" from a young age. However, the formation of a couple can also be challenging express or unspoken family prohibitions.

5. Affective and / or economic support: In other times, the couple emerged as an economic alliance, among other purposes. The woman cared for the offspring and the animals, while the

man provided what he hunted or gathered. Subsequently, a feeling of love was included in the formation of the bond, so that, together with the scope of identity confirmation, it is a place of emotional support. 6. Intermediary for other achievements: Together with the function of emotional support, or independently of it, the couple can be thought of as a link in the achievement of other achievements, for example, that of fatherhood / motherhood, economic security, leaving the parental home, possibility of an active sexuality, etc. 7. Perpetuation of the species: It is usually the most basic function and the one most linked to the biological, although in human development the biological cannot be separated from the culture, since this is the one that provides the means for continuity.

8. Source of social reinsurance: By definition and in relation to the previous point, the couple constitutes the organization that ensures (although not always) the development of an active sexuality, while offering the permanent presence of a sexual partner. 9. Emancipation: it arises in the sense of emancipation through exogamy. However, this function of the couple is becoming less and less linked to it, since, currently, people can become emancipated for reasons other than that of a couple's bond.

2. CHANGES OVER TIME

In the last 50 years, changes have been recognized in couples, which involve economic and labor factors, greater autonomy of the members, postponement of the age of formation, greater existence of previous unions, dependence on families of origin, etc. These changes reflect, in turn, cultural variations that include, for example, the concepts of masculinity and femininity, rites of conformation and the existence of children. Male and female stereotypes have changed, as well as roles in the couple, in line with cultural changes that include the phenomenon of globalization, from which intriguing aspects arise about the demands of these changes in the definition of the family and couple.

Neofamilies are groups that include new social systems (networks) established, such...