How to Thrive as The Highly Sensitive Person – Book Summary PDF

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How to Thrive as The Highly Sensitive Person – Book Summary I always knew I was wired a bit differently than the majority of people. For example, there is no way I can fall asleep if I’m not in complete dark and silence, in my own pajamas, lying on a hard enough mattress. There is no way I can fall asleep if there is somebody anxious sleeping near me. Loud noises make me very nervous, I always know how other people feel, there is no way you would get me on a roller coaster or convince me to do a bungee jump, and especially as a child I was considered extremely shy, sensitive, difficult and introverted. Actually, I answered true on all the statements that point to the highly sensitive person in the test that specifically measures how sensitive you are (you’ll find the test soon in this blog post). I never really knew what was going on with me or why I am so different, until I read the book The Highly Sensitive Person, written by Elaine Aron. It was a big relief for me to read a structured and insightful book about people who are wired in a highly sensitive way, with many recommendations for how to live with such a personality trait and examples of other people and their life situations. High sensitivity also explained why my emotional flashbacks were always so strong. As a highly sensitive person, having an understanding and motivational environment matters even more than it does for other people; any shocking, unfair or toxic situation gets imprinted in your mind more strongly and intensively than with other people. That can lead to things like chronic anxiety, depression and isolation. Unfortunately, you are rarely understood, because only around 15 % of the population is highly sensitive. And many times you can be seen as a weak, shy or fearful person when you are too sensitive. Those are not the qualities attributed to successful and assertive people. That’s why I learned to hide my sensitivity behind a cold emotionless mask. What a mistake. Being over sensitive can hinder you in some situations if you don’t know how to manage it properly, but it also brings so many advantages to be proud of: Highly sensitive people are often considered gifted; and it’s very beneficial for highly sensitive people if they are labeled as gifted, because their sensitivity is seen as part of a larger trait. So instead of hiding this personality trait, being confused about what to do with it or angry why you aren’t a pure assertive warrior type of a person, it makes sense to learn how to manage high sensitivity and get the most out of it. What’s really important, as stated in the book, is to see high sensitivity as a neutral trait. It brings advantages in some situations and disadvantages in others. And when you learn how to manage high

sensitivity properly, you can finally see it as a special gift that can give so much to the world and people.

A SIMPLE TEST WILL SHOW IF YOU ARE A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON The best way to start with the summary of the book is a simple personality test that roughly shows how sensitive you are; it’s the test you can find in the book, of course. If you find yourself as a highly sensitive person, I highly recommend that you read this summary and then the book. It can really change your life, like it has changed mine. And even if you aren’t a highly sensitive person, you can gain a lot by understanding how to connect, work with or manage people who are. Highly sensitive people can be the best friends in the world, the most creative employees, and usually care about things, goals and missions more deeply than others. That can be a very precious thing. Now let’s move on to the test. Below are 23 statements. Answer each one according to the way you feel. Answer true if the statement is true for you or if it’s at least somewhat true for you. Answer false if it is not very true or if it’s not at all true for you. If you answer true, the statement shows a specific side of your sensitivity. Here are the statements: 1. 2. 3. 4.

I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment. Other people’s moods affect me. I tend to be very sensitive to pain. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days, into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation. 5. I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine. 6. I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by. 7. I have a rich, complex inner life. 8. I am made uncomfortable by loud noises. 9. I am deeply moved by the arts or music. 10. I am conscientious. 11. I startle easily. 12. I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time. 13. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable (like changing the lighting or the seating). 14. I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once. 15. I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. 16. I make it a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows. 17. I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me. 18. Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me, disrupting my concentration or mood.

19. Changes in my life shake me up. 20. I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art. 21. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations. 22. When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do much worse than I would otherwise. 23. When I was a child, my parents or teachers seemed to see me as sensitive or shy. Source: Aron, Elaine N. 1996 The Highly Sensitive Person. HarperCollins Publishers. If you answered more than 12 questions with yes, then you are probably a highly sensitive person. The more questions you answered with yes, the more sensitive you probably are. The more questions you answered with yes, the more crucial it is for you to learn how to manage your over-sensitivity.

THE EXPLANATION OF WHY YOU ARE SO DAMN SENSITIVE The level of sensitivity is determined by how much your nervous system can take, and it’s more or less an inherited trait. The same situation and the same stimulation cause different levels of stress and arousal in different people. If you are highly sensitive, your nervous system is wired so that it’s very easily aroused. And again, you inherited it, not learned to be over sensitive. Some people (and even animals) are a little bit more sensitive than others, some a lot more. So there is a scale of how oversensitive you really are in which direction. Differences in sensitivity exist and they’re very real and normal. Your over sensitive nervous system makes you different. Why the sensitivity of your nervous system is that important is very simple. You perform best at any kind of situation or task when your nervous system is moderately alert and aroused. Too little arousal makes you dull and bored and you need extra stimulation (coffee, social activity, career change etc.). On the other hand, if you are too aroused, you become distressed, clumsy and confused. Since your nervous system is very sensitive, you can easily get too aroused. That kicks you out of the center and out of the optimal arousal state when you can perform best at a certain task. Over arousal doesn’t happen because your senses are more acute, but because you reflect more and sort things into finer distinctions. You are more aware of the subtle happenings in the environment, which you process in a semiconscious or unconscious way. Processing more information leads to higher stimulation and to the final difference where something that is moderately arousing for most people can easily be highly arousing for a highly sensitive person. The longer you

are exposed to over arousal, the more frazzled you become until you reach the point called “transmarginal inhibition” – you need to hibernate and recharge.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF STIMULATION As a highly sensitive person, you have to be extremely careful about the level of stimulation you are exposed to. Stimulation is everything that wakes up the nervous system and makes brain neurons active. The source of stimulation can be external or internal. You might have control over the situation together with how much stimulation you are exposed to or you don’t (at work or as a child, for example). If you don’t have control or even feel as a victim in a situation, it adds additional stimuli and everything becomes even more upsetting. Last but not least, the stimuli can either be very obvious or you can be over stimulated by very subtle thoughts and low levels of excitement that aren’t connected to any severe emotions. You have to be extremely careful about the latter. And an over sensitive person reacts with arousal to any kind of stress. Different types of stimulation:       

External stimulation (social activity, performing a task, being on a roller coaster etc.) Internal stimulation (intensive thoughts, hunger, pain etc.) Stimulation in your control Stimulation out of your control Emotional stimulation Subtle stimulation Stress as stimulation Let me give you a practical example from my own life of how complicated all the stimuli can become. When I enter a room of known people, I never engage with them with ease. I first sense what kind of a mood every individual is in. I assess who is talking to whom and why, and what all the potential topics could be. I grasp the vibes in the air, I notice if there were any changes made to the room, and so on. Only when I understand in detail and on a very subtle level what is happening with energies, words and actions in the room, can I properly engage. I calculate all the possible ways to engage in the smoothest way possible. I need to first understand, and then I can act. I can easily take in vibes that are in the air, and if things are really out of the ordinary I might have trouble engaging at all.

TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF HIGHLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE There are two systems in your brain. One is called “behavioral activation” and the other “behavioral inhibition”. Behavioral activation takes in the information from the senses and gives orders to the limbs to get moving. The purpose of this system is to move you forwards,

especially towards new things (food, new alliances etc.). When this system is active you are curious, bold and impulsive. Behavioral inhibition, on the other hand, moves you away from things and makes you attentive to danger. This part of your brain makes you alert, cautious and watchful for signs; it compares the current situation to what had been normal in the past and what should be expected in the future. If there are deviations, behavioral inhibition makes you stop and understand the situation first. Highly sensitive people have a much stronger behavioral inhibition system. But there can be two versions: 1.

Weak activation system and average inhibition strength – These people are usually calm, quiet and like a simple life. They are usually advisors or monk type of people. 2. Strong activation and inhibition system – These are people who are curious and cautious, bold and anxious, easily bored and aroused. There is a constant struggle between the advisor and warrior within.

THE ENVIRONMENT OF A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON MATTERS A LOT Being a highly sensitive person is an inherited trait. But every inherited trait can be enhanced, decreased, woken up or eliminated by repeating life experiences or a subject functioning in a specific environment. For highly sensitive people, bad environments can make things much worse. If a highly sensitive child doesn’t feel safe in the home environment and doesn’t have a caretaker that they’re securely attached to, constant longterm arousal becomes present. Life starts to seem frightening, the caution system gets even stronger, and all the negative experiences seem even more traumatic.

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Statistically, almost all depressed and anxious sensitive people had a troubled childhood. That leads to a huge level of stress, damaged health, complete inhibition, different kinds of mental problems, severe negative thoughts, low selfesteem, and issues like Complex PTSD. Highly sensitive children need to be understood and not to additionally deal with special problems caused by inadequate parents – underprotective or overprotective ones. If you had a troubled childhood, you have to reframe it in a positive situation and use other psychological tools to make peace with it. More about that in the rest of the article. If you have a highly sensitive child, you need to become an especially understandable and encouraging caretaker. The same author wrote a book dedicated to over sensitive children that you should absolutely read.

WHY YOU ARE SPECIAL AS A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON

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Every personality trait is a neutral one. It works well in some situations, and it’s a disadvantage in others. Being highly sensitive is no exception to that. Nevertheless, you can very quickly see high sensitivity as only a disadvantage, because it’s not a very valued trait (especially in men). That’s why it’s really important to have all the advantages of being highly sensitive person in front of you, never forget them and be aware of how they make you special. As a highly sensitive person, your mind works differently and that brings special benefits like: You are probably very creative and appreciate some kind of art You can develop a deep understanding of people and situations You have very powerful sensing and thinking abilities You more easily spot errors and avoid making them You always want to do what is right, you are more conscientious than others You can do deep work and concentrate for long periods of time, if there are no distractions You can easily spot minor differences and you can work accurately and quickly You can process material to deeper levels and find underlying new patterns You understand other people better and are deeply affected by other people’s feelings You can easily do self-reflection and learn without being aware that you are learning You need to be more inventive, because you are sensitive to hunger, insecurities, and exhaustion On a practical level, that boils down to a few very important personality traits – being very creative/intuitive and being an excellent advisor who cares about people, future and ideas. You were born to be among advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders of your society. There is every reason for pride. – E. Aron

POSSESSING STRONG INTUITION AND CREATIVITY As a highly sensitive person, you have very strong intuition. You can basically read the subtitles in the environment or intuitively know what’s happening behind the scenes. You have a very strong sixth sense and you often know just how things will probably turn out. That’s why highly sensitive people usually assume the roles of visionaries, highly intuitive artists, inventors, writers, historians, philosophers, judges and researches. As a highly

sensitive person, you are the one who sees possibilities and who can come up with new solutions that all of humanity can benefit from.

BEING AN OUTSTANDING ADVISOR WHO MINDS THE WHOLE SOCIETY Highly sensitive people are usually known as outstanding advisors. They often also take up roles of theologians, therapists, teachers or consultants. The key thing is that as a highly sensitive person, you usually mind the future of everyone involved and the whole society. You think about all the possible effects of an idea or action. And that’s really important for the world to develop in the right direction.

THE DOWNSIDES OF BEING A HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON

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Much like there are positive sides to being a highly sensitive person, there are also the downsides you have to learn how to manage and live with. Here are the most frequent and distinctive ones: You often wait to understand a situation really well before you act; sometimes even a little bit too long (that’s why people often see you as shy) You can take things too hard or take things personally too quickly Things can quickly get too stimulating and thus you need to back off (crowds of people, adrenaline sports and other social activities) You need time for yourself and time to hibernate more often than others You may have problems falling asleep or you may often feel too frazzled to sleep You can be more cautious and thus slower in learning some physical skills Sometimes deep emotions can lead to occasional depression You can get easily lost in daydreaming or your mind wanders off Relationships can be a greater challenge, especially the intimate ones You can get more easily distracted by small things or if something bothers you in the environment You probably have trouble selling yourself properly, going after promotions and charging people for your work Many people can see you as shy or introverted (even though you are maybe not) You can be negatively affected by other people’s bad moods You can be very sensitive to pain, medications, certain foods, stimulants etc. You can easily start to feel under pressure if there are too many things to do If you are a highly sensitive person, it’s really important that you don’t see yourself as flawed or isolate yourself. Being over sensitive is

not something to fear, but something you only have to learn how to manage. You have to organize your life around this personality trait, maintain an optimal life of arousal, and put yourself out there in the world.

BY ISOLATING, THINGS ONLY GET WORSE The logical reaction of highly sensitive people is to withdraw – isolate, avoid new things etc. But that leads to a negative spiral. The more you avoid things, the more everything becomes new. The more you hide, the more frightening everything seems. If you expose yourself to moderate amounts of stress regularly, you learn to live and manage stressors better. The more you go out into the world, the more you know what you like, dislike and how to handle certain situations. The only way to start enjoying life is to be out there with people doing things.

GENERAL DIRECTIONS FOR MANAGING YOUR HYPERSENSITIVITY The main point of knowing about over sensitive personality types is that you learn how to manage your hyper sensitivity. First of all, you must find just the right amount of stimuli for you to optimize your performance in everyday life. You shouldn’t push yourself too much with work, risk taking and exploring, and you shouldn’t keep yourself in too much by overprotecting yourself. Don’t be only a bystander watching life passing by, and don’t abuse yourself for any reason. Every highly sensitive person has to find the right spot for themselves. Finding the right spot includes getting enough sleep. For highly sensitive people it’s extremely important to get enough rest. Going to bed early and getting enough sleep should be your number one priority. Mixed shifts and jet lags can have a bigger negative influence on your daily rhythm than they do on other people; keep that in mind when planning. You can also greatly benefit from active rest, like prayer, meditation or contemplation.

MENTAL AND PRACTICAL TOOLS THAT CAN HELP YOU MANAGE SENSITIVITY As mentioned several times, because it’s really important, you have to see your high sensitivity in a positive way. When you have a problem doing that, you can use the reframing technique to focus on positive angles in a situation. Never forget what you are getting out of this personality trait, and focus on the positives. Many other techniques to manage your mind can also help you when you become over aroused – learning to love over arousal and particular situations you have to cope with daily, witnessing your over arousal

(looking at yourself from the 3 rd person perspective), repeating a specific mantra, emotional accounting, writing a self-reflective journal, using transformational vocabulary, and so on. If managing your mind doesn’t work, there are other tools you can use – y...