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RUNNING HEAD: WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER? Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary

Why don’t we listen better? Communication & connecting in relationships A Practical Book Review

A Paper Submitted to Dr. Don Small In Partial Fulfillment of The Requirements for The Course PACO 500

Submitted by

Julius K. Magee II L23443744 September 7, 2018 Summary

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RUNNING HEAD: WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?

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Why Don’t We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships is a book writing by James C. Petersen, D.Min., L.P.C. which gives the reader’s details that provide adequate listening and improve their communication skills. One forms strong relationships by gathering different comparisons of communication methods when one examines self-revelation. Petersen states that for the majority of us, we seem to think that we are good listeners. But we come to find out in most cases that we are not. It can be frustrating to our relationship with them when we don’t really pay attention to someone that is talking to us and how we feel toward one another. There are three parts that Petersen describes in an excellent way when helping one another in talking and listening of communicating and understanding one another effectively. Part One moves into a communication chapter on connecting and disconnecting in relationships, and then introduces his “Flat Brain Theory of Emotions.” It tells us how our emotions, thinking, and relating abilities work and how what does on the inside of us come out in the ways we communicate and act.1 Good or bad. Part Two discusses the use of the TalkerListener Card, a radical departure from “everyone talking at once with no one really listening.” The Talker-Listener Card facilitates a “taking-turns” method in communication. It reminds us to listen first and talk second.2 And this is a good starter point. Part Three begins with ten favorite communication traps, which include more essential Listening Techniques, wraps up with extended examples using the talker-Listener process, and a closing section on growing to become “people in whose presence good things happen.”3 This book is recommended for those who are getting started or are having a difficult time counseling. Respond

1 P. 8, Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, 2015 2 Ibid. 3 Ibid.

RUNNING HEAD: WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?

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While reading Why We Don’t Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationship, it reminded me of several conversations I’ve had with my mother. Being that only child caused me to have issues with some of the things my mother would say to me. My father told me one day: “To win an argument with your mother, you have to keep your mouth shut. She will then quiet down as long as you do not talk back or try to tell her something she is not willing to hear. If you keep talking, she will keep fussing.” Of course, it worked. A learning process that now became a skill applied. And you know what that means. It also helped me to keep my mother calm for the most part. There are many examples in Petersen’s book that describes how our communication can be bad towards each other. It is hard to sit and listen sometimes. Providing safety is the first goal suggested for a listener, “if we can listen without defending ourselves, it will provide the safety necessary for the talker to flourish.”4 Then, there was a time when I had it out with my pastor who insisted that he was always right. We both were “flat brained”, going back and forth we both refusing to give opportunities to finish speaking about the subject matter, becoming so intense that I had to leave his office. When we both calmed down, we were able to talk and listen to what each other had to say. I still felt that he had issues and problems with me because he thought that he was talking to a child and not a grown person. I knew what the problem was, yet he did not want to acknowledge it. If we both would have applied what Petersen describes as the talker-listener process where “one person talks while the other listens and then the direction is reversed,”5then I know for a fact that the argument could have been avoided. I had to move on after all was said and done. REFLECTION

4 P. 121, Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, 2015 5 P. 71, Ibid.

RUNNING HEAD: WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?

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I am reminded by this book exactly how much I use to like to win when it came to having conversations. But for the most part, it had to do with being around my peers/colleagues as you have it, pertaining to ministry. In many cases we would agree on certain topics but the objectives would come out with split decisions that we could argue the points successfully at the end. Peterson reminded me that this was never good in communication. I had found myself trying to win conversations always with the ones of whom have been pastoring longer than I as well as those who were older than I. The goal in communication should not have been me winning the conversation because I would talk better than others. The quote “In relationships someone winning most often makes everyone a loser”6had me thinking. It brought to my attention once again on how we were discussing the boys in the community having no respect when I brought to their attention that if you want respect from them you have to give them the same. Older pastors of my culture felt that they did not have to because of the age of these boys being young not knowing the meaning of what respect was and the conversation got heated. The word “respect” is the key word within the conversation, but no one was listening at the time. Petersen showed me that I needed to work more so on myself in how to handle those of whom are older in a different way so as not to “disrespect” them like they thought. Humbling oneself. When everyone had calmed down, I seen the emotions and how it had affected everything that was being said. Hearing and seeing this showed me that this was a real problem which needed to be worked on. Reminding me listening skills was mandatory in working out my responses to what I wanted to hear. The issue originated over a year ago needing to be resolved. ACTION

6 P. 56, Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, 2015

RUNNING HEAD: WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?

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Being in ministry for 49 years and having a B.S. Degree in Counseling Psychology, I’ve accepted that “discomfort goes with the territory of being a listener,”7because I already learned an attained this continuously while advancing both in Bible and Psychology. Expertise has/is being applied to the consciousness of my behavior, emotions, and defenses. Always training my mind periodically, staying focused and being attentive in what they are saying. Still gathering information and releasing them with cleanness and understanding. Above all, knowing that I have Christ within me, I have continued to listen while my heart is being cleaned and spirit renewed to the best of my ability, realizing because He was wounded for my transgressions and bruised for my iniquities, knowing that the chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes healed us, I vowed to be like Him doing the same for others with compassion and love, realizing hurt would be present sometimes trying to maintain healthy relationships. The fact that “discomfort goes with the territory of being a listener”8 Experience gave up my defenses based off of trial and error long time ago. Learned and have been using for years how to “allow space”, it is a must (mandatory) to make room for other possibilities, getting inside other people’s thought processes, valuing them and their concerns and not locking them out.9 You will be surprised on how commonality comes into play (especially the most difficult), and how the conversation can desirably supply both lives having this approach taking place. Letting you in means a little trust starts to form and the both of you can talk better not having that agenda and hearing the passions. “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear.” Matt. 11:15.10 Don’t be a Pharisee who have ears but don’t hear, be good listeners! Bibliography

7P. 139, Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships, 2015 8 Ibid. 9 P. 166, ibid. 10 Matt. 11:15, KJV

RUNNING HEAD: WHY DON’T WE LISTEN BETTER?

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James C. Petersen D.Min. L.P.C., Why Don't We Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationships: Revised & Expanded, 2nd Edition, Petersen Publications, Portland, OR, Jan 1, 2015 Matt. 11:15, King James Version...