Powerless Language - Lecture notes Month 1 PDF

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Professor Pierce...

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Powerless Language: Hedges 

"I'm kinda disappointed...."

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"I think we should..."

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"I guess I'd like to..."

Hesitations 

"Uh, can I have a minute of your time?"

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"Well, we could try this idea..."

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"I wish you would-- er-- try to be on time."

Intensifiers 

"I'm really glad to see you."

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"I'm not very hungry."

Polite forms **It's okay to be polite, but when it's too much, it qualifies as powerless. 

"Excuse me, sir..."

Tag questions 

"It's about time we started, isn't it?"

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"Don't you think we should give it another try?"

Disclaimers 

"I probably shouldn't say this, but..."

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"I'm not really sure, but..."

Love Language: How you show others how you care about them - doesn't have to be romantic love. This can simply be how you show your friends, family, those special to you how you care about them -In our relationships we don't often match up with people who share our same love language. -Someone may be showing you how much they care for you through their love language, but you may not feel loved because you're wanting a different love language or you don't realize they are showing you love in their style. -Not being able to notice another’s love language can lead to frustrations and misunderstandings for both people.

Whats the takeaway? -Try to understand the others' love language and how they show you they love or care about you. - It may be different than yours or how you want to feel loved, but it doesn't mean they aren't expressing it. -You can then have a conversation regarding what you need/want in order to feel loved and learn from your partner what they need/want/desire to feel loved and cared for.

Language of Love 

Words of Affirmation Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

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Quality Time In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

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Receiving Gifts Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture

shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. 

Acts of Service Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

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Physical Touch This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Language Responsibility: 1. Language reflects speaker’s willingness to take responsibility for her/his beliefs, feelings, and actions - “I” statements - “It” statements - “But” statements - “You” statements - “We” statements

“I” Statement 1. “I” statements: identifies the speaker as source of message and responsible for the message. 1. “I’m bothered when...” 2. “I’m glad to see you.” 2. Complete “I” statements have 3 parts. 1. The other person’s behavior 2. Your feelings 3. The consequences the other’s behavior has for you

“I” Statement Examples: 1. “I get upset (feeling) when you leave the dishes in the sink (behavior). I feel like you expect me to do them (Consequence of behavior).” 2. “When I ask for help and you ignore me (behavior), I feel disrespected (feeling) and I want to give up on our relationship (consequences of behavior).”

“It” Statement 1. “It” statements: Avoid responsibility for ownership of message. 1. Feels less personal than an “I” statement. 2. Fine to use, but less impactful in certain situations. 2. “I” statement vs. “It” statements: 1. “It bothers me when...” Vs. “I am bothered when...” 2. “It’s nice to see you.” Vs. “I’m glad to see you.”

“But” Statement 1. “But” statement: Cancels part of the message for the receiver. 2. Face-saving strategy: You don’t want to feel bad for what you’re saying. 1. “You’re a really great person, but I think we ought to stop seeing each other. 3. How to improve a “but” statement: Explain yourself more. 1. “You’re a great person. I Think we ought to stop seeing each other because I’m not ready to make a commitment.”

“You” Language 1. “You” statement: Expresses a judgement of someone. 1. Can arouse defensiveness—usually when negative. 2. Does not have to contain the pronoun you. 1. “Don’t be so critical!” (You’re too negative!). 3. “You” statement examples: 1. You didn’t do it right. 2. 2. You’re always late. 3. You are awesome.

“We” Statement 1. “We” Statement: Giving responsibility to both communicators. 2. Builds constructive (positive) climate: 1. People don’t feel attacked. 2. Expresses it’s both parties’ responsibility. 3. “We” statement example: 1. “We should try...”

2. “We have created a mess...”...