Summary of no drama discipline PDF

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No Drama Discipline The Whole Brain way to Calm Chaos and Nurture your child’s developing mind Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson INTRODUCTION Parents WANT discipline that is void of punishment and negativity but don’t know what that looks like Parents WANT effective discipline that is loving and works but conventional methods are more natural/ easier (based on our upbringing/ society) AND When we look at the functioning of the brain, we understand how children view things and how we can support in relation to how the brain works Q: What is the ACTUAL goal of discipline? ● It is NOT to punish ○ That makes us feel good in the moment, but this is NOT about us .A: Discipline: Comes from latin word Disciplina: to learn and to teach THUS Discipline is a form of teaching THUS Punishment is NOT needed, rather to teach Root of discipline is discipline, meaning student or learner THUS Discipline means to guide others, to work WITH kids and lead by example When we lead by example children LEARN to be: ● Resilient ● Regulated ● Calm ● Loving TEACHING AND SKILL BUILDING

2 GOALS 1) Have kids cooperate and do what is “right”/ needed in the moment a) Holding children’s hand to safely cross the street b) Problem solve ways your child may be motivated to do homework c) Have meaningful discussion when a child is called a name

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SADLY Most people only have goal 1 in mind THUS Parents use FORCE “Stop it now!” “Because I said so!” ● Punishment, threats, consequences (which really ARE punishments) GOAL 2) a) Building self-control b) Self-conscious and moral compass c) WHOLE BRAIN approach d) Children able to plan out their action “Spare the rod, spoil the child” and “free to be me and you” are other non-conventional systems that do NOT work ● Without developing children’s brains, the work is not complete ● Help to understanding what it means to control impulses ● Consider other people’s feelings AND The more we build on goal 2, the less we work on goal 1! Accomplishing our goal Say “no” to the behaviour but “yes” to the child Most people react to children’s behaviour with consequences and yelling ● Time out ● Spanking ● Removal of privilledges ● Grounding ● Lack of reward incentives IF THESE WORKED, there’d be less conflict, but there is MORE conflict THUS These make things WORSE THUS Our RELATIONSHIP = the most essential thing we have to build resilient children ● Connection = we listen to them ● Respect their words and honour their feelings AND When kids are misbehaving, that we when out children need us present the MOST Relationship TRUMPS ANY behaviour BUT Dan Siegel - No Drama Discipline - 2

This doesn’t mean permissiveness; it means LOVINGLY supporting them at all times Build flexible thinking, tolerance, supports THUS When we say “no” with empathic connection and clear redirect, this builds tolerance for world’s disappointments BUT Redirection will NOT be successful while the child is emotionally riled THUS First help child calm down THEN redirect AND This does not include punishment! BUT Q: How do we find the time to do all this with our busy lives? A: The whole brain approach isn’t asking to take extra time ● It’s about changing our instinctual responses to everyday moments that build rapport and empathic connection ● THEN, when major issues occur, you don’t need that much extra time

1. Re-Thinking Discipline “When I get mad I usually just react. Sometimes I get really into and act just as my son does” “If nothing else works, I just put my son in a time out” “My husband and I are so different, I am too soft, he is too hard” “I am so done with the homework battle!” ● All these examples are parents going on autopilot ● Reacting and using systems that don’t support/ help INSTEAD BE INTNETINONAL ● Choose thoughtful approaches that work in the moment ● Short-term reflection ● Long-term teaching skills Ex: you ask child to clean up and he slaps you in the back Instinctual reaction: grabbing him and yelling him “hitting is not okay” ● This teaches that hitting and yelling ARE okay INSTEAD

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Reflect and process internally before saying/ doing anything Remember: Discipline = teaching and gudining and others learning by our example THUS When we stop, calm and respond positively, this is a positively LEANED experience! Three questions 1) WHY 2) WHAT 3) HOW 1) Why did my child react this way? ● We instinctively may respond “he’s entitled, spoiled, selfish” ● BUT, more likely wanting something “he was scared, wanted attention, felt sad” 2) What lesson do I want to teach in this moment ● Goal of Discipline is NOT to punish but to teach ● What are we teaching and what do we want our children to learn? 3) How am I going to teach this lesson? ● If we punish, the child focuses on the punishment, the distance between you, ● If we come from love and care children are more receptive Back to the child slapping us: a) PAUSE i) Ask yourself the three questions before doing ANYTHING else 1) Why did my child act this way? (a) Hit me because he wanted me attention (b) Desirable? No (c) Age-appropriate? Yes! 2) What lesson do I want to teach in this moment? (a) Hitting is not okay and there are other ways to express big feelings 3) How am I going to teach this lesson? (a) Knowing he wants my attention, how can I convey my concern in a loving way? (b) Hold him and hug him lovingly and say “it seems you wanted my attention and you were upset I was on the computer instead of playing with you, is that right?”

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Ex2: Older child homework battle ● Thi is NO different than the slap on the back When we react and say “if you started earlier, you wouldn't be so overwhelmed!” AND Did the child every actually say “you’re, right, maybe I will listen next time and start sooner” ASK THE QUESTIONS 1) Why did my child act this way?/ a) She had a long school day and then ballet practice and just came home and wanted some time to rest before doing her work 2) What lesson do I want to teach a) How to regulate and express concern about too busy a schedule 3) How am I going to teach this lesson? a) Dialogue: i) The homework situation isn’t working very well, is it? What do you think we can do? I’d really like to help find a way to help you complete your homework and also have rest and down time from your busy schedule. Any thoughts? Can’t vs. Won’t Too often we respond based on autopilot BUT 1) Children all react differently 2) Take into consideration developmental age 3) The SAME children react differently at different times a) Thus what works one time might not work the next time THUS ALWAYS consider: is this a “can’t” (unable to do this) or “won’t” (chooses not to) ● Ask: is the way the child is acting on-par to the child’s age/ development? ● Just because our children do something well sometimes, doesn’t mean they are developmentally able to consistently do it ○ It is likelier the successful times are the exceptions to the rules Ex: dad thought his 5-year-old was inflexible with changes and tolerance and that the child was “choosing” to be reactive. “I just can’t stand it. Sometimes he’s great and sometimes, he’s not. I’m often loving and caring but sometimes I lose it! Tina: So you love your son a lot, don’t you? Dad: yeah Tina: But sometimes you respond lovingly and sometimes you respond in upset? Dan Siegel - No Drama Discipline - 5

Dad: yeah Tina: Because sometimes even you loose control at the moment, or because you choose to react that way? Dad: Well I don’t choose to react. I get stressed out forms work and responsibility and and am tired sometimes Tina: So you see there are times you are able to choose to respond lovingly and times you are unable to even though you want to be able to. Dad: I guess I see where you’re going with this.. Tina: Exactly: Your child likely wants to do good and simply can’t. He’s not choosing to misbehave and upset you…. Spanking: Physical punishment has no place in discipline ● Counter-productive ● Children have right to be free of ALL violence, especially from parents ● Even when parents are warm and nurturing, spanking still is ineffective ○ Isolating children for periods of time ○ Embarrassing them ○ Scolding them ○ Inflicts fear/ pain

■ All of these are severely detrimental!!!! ● Child’s brain senses pain and brain remembers this thus sending signal that the parent = source of danger ○ Disorganized Attachment: part of the brain says parents are loving, part says stay away = danger ○ This can severely dysregulated and traumatize children AND If discipline teaches children how to respond to conflict, we are teaching and VIOLENCE is acceptable way to deal with conflict AND Punishment doesn’t mean it works - it means children get better at hiding their actions to avoid being caught to avoid punishment (stealing, lying, sneaking, etc) TIME OUTS: They DON’T WORK 1) Often used a lot and out of anger a) Lacks the empathic connect b) Lacks ability to communicate with the child and teach c) Time out = isolation no opportunity to regulate or resolve the matter, just angier and MORE dysregulated.

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d) Time out = children reflect on how mean their parents are, NOT on what the child did that could be done differently INSTEAD When child is calm ask: What are some things we could do differently next time? INSTEAD Statements of fact: Since we left our baseball bat at home, we will use a teammates Since our room is not clean, our friends will see the clothes on the floor during your sleepover tonight Time outs: Sends message that parents withhold their love when you don’t do what they want - unless we meet our parents wishes, they don’t love us (CONDITIONAL LOVE) INSTEAD A time-in is much more valuable! ● Showing the child that despite what was said/ done, you still love them! ● You still care and there are NO strings attached IF POSSIBLE ● Create a calming zone ● A place a child ENJOYS and WANTS to go to, to calm (cozy corner with items child likes) ● This is Optional and a CHOICE the child makes to go there or not! Questions 1) Do I have a discipline-philosophy? a) How consistent am I with it? 2) What am I wanting to teach? a) Am I teaching about the same things all the time? 3) Do I feel good about what I am doing? a) Does my discipline approach help me enjoy my relationship with my kids? b) Do I wonder if there is a better way? 4) How do my kids feel about it? a) Am I communicating in a way that still allows my kids to feel heard and loved? b) Do my children understand my approach and feel my love? 5) Do I feel good about the lessons I teach my children? a) Am I teaching things I don’t want them to internalize? i) Is it conditional? ii) Is it helping or hurting us? 6) Am I just repeating what was done to me? a) Did I reflect on the merits of my parents’ parenting? b) Are there things to do differently? 7) Does my approach ever lead to my kids apologizing in a sincere manner? Dan Siegel - No Drama Discipline - 7

a) Even if this doesn’t happen on a regular basis, does it leave the door open to the possibility of it? 8) Does my approach invite me to apologize for my mistakes? a) Am I able/ willing to own up to my own mistakes? The More Compassion you have for yourself, the more compassion you will have for your child - you do the best you can with the tools you have ● The goal is to build new, more effective tools to support your children

2. Your Brain on Discipline Liz: nina you get in daddy's car, veira get in the van Nina: no. no! No! No! Liz: (hugging nina) Nina, honey, what is it? Nina: You took viera yesterday! It’s not fair Liz: I know, honey, it’s because her school is right by my work. Nina: But it’s not fair. I want a turn with you! Veira: You can’t have her. Mommy takes me! 3 Brain c’s 1) CHANGING a) Constantly evolving b) Downstairs brain = foundation but primitive i) Breathing ii) Strong emotions iii) Instincts for protection iv) Digestion 1) Downstairs brain what causes reactivity and impulsivity c) Upstairs Brain = evolving and needs to be nurtured i) Thinking ii) Emotional/ Relational skills iii) flexibility/ adaptability iv) Empathy v) Morality vi) Problem solving 1) Problem is that this brain takes a LONG time to develop 2) NOT fully formed until mid-20s Our instinct when our kids do something “‘wrong” is to say “what were you thinking!?!?” ANSWER: “I don’t know” AND that is likely TRUE

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● If the upstairs brain is not developed, the child LITERALLY cannot understand what he is doing and why SADLY Adults give other adults benefits of the doubt and flexibility and lee-way YET With kids we thins as black-and-white and wright and wrong and no lee-way AND From kids there is ONLY black-and-white THUS With nina in the example, above, there was only “going with mommy and not going with mommy” The reasons behind the choices and the other potential options did not exist in her mind! It is VERY unfair and inaccurate to assume children are viewing the world as we see it, that they control their body and reactions and make educated decisions. This will not happen without helping to develop the child’s upstairs brain! THUS Provide external supports until the integral (upstairs brain) develops) AND This external support is constant and ongoing THUS When we understand that emotional and behavioural outbursts and normal and expected, we can respond more compassionately 2) CHANGEABLE ● Not just changing but we can actual CHANGE it ● Neuroplasticity ○ Based on our experiences, we can rewire the brain to view the world differently ○ The more empathic we are with our kids, the more we wire the brain to develop empathy and regulation Special Sensory Motor Mapping ● Learning from our experiences shape us ● Learning to play music changes how we read “code” ● Learning mindfulness and meditation changes us to be more reflective than reactive ○ ANY activity we do fundamentally and physically impacts our brain and how we view things Early childhood abuse can have long-lasting negative impacts Hippocampus (in the brain), experience higher rates of depression, addition and PTSD based on their childhood trauma Dan Siegel - No Drama Discipline - 9

What this means: repeated experiences impact and shape our brains THUS HOW WE COMMUNICATE WITH OUR KIDS SHAPES WHO THEY BECOME AS IT LITERALLY WIRES THEIR BRAINS! “Neurons that fire together, wire together!” Repeated experiences is what teach us Ex: positive experiences with a thing link them positively Ex: doing well on math test = liking math; doing poorly or having a harsh teacher = hating math Ex: playing violent video games leads to apathy; playing team-building games = empathy ● We cannot, nor do we want to protect our kids from all negative expereines ● What we DO want: a) limit them b) work through them when they occur Children whose parents talk to them about their feelings develop emotional literacy 3) COMPLEX ● Knowing the same thing appeals to parts of our brain differently ● Ex: if we’re upset our downstairs brain says “REACT” ○ Our upstairs brain says “REFLECT” THUS Our threats: a) Words i) “Calm down” ii) “Stop right now” iii) “If you don’t stop, you’ll lose..” b) Actions i) Taking things away ii) Ignoring iii) Yelling iv) hitting = poking the lizard = downstairs reaction ● Downstairs brain says “DANGER”/ “THREAT” and fights INSTEAD If We talk in calm, kind love = NO THREAT = UPSTAIRS BRAIN = able to REFLECT and Move from reactivity to RESISTivity THUS NO: “calm down” to your kid Dan Siegel - No Drama Discipline - 10

YES: co-regulate: hug and love and show care When kids see anger on a person’s body, the child reacts to it as a threat JUST a photo of an angry person causes “amygdala” to fire and react to Anger Coming back to Nina and Veira: Liz could have used logic to explain nina had lots of time with mom just yesterday and other pieces of inro but knew that would not help her This is because liz knew the brain is CHANGING. And she knew brains are CHANGEABLE so she hugged her daughter. Knowing the brain is complex,she knew she could tend to the child in love and care. By this point the family was only a little late, but she denied the impulse to pick her up and force her into the car or threaten INSTEAD She needed to connect: holding the daughter and showing “nothing else matters right now but you” ● Mom offered some fun soltons ○ Nina to choose the music ○ They can plan for another day to have the parents switch carpool ○ She can take a toy with her in the car NONE of these worked, YET, mom still used No-Drama Discipline: “‘I know you really want me to take you to school. It is important to me we spend time together too. We can plan for me to take you another time. I do need to leave for work, now, though and take Veira to school. Daddy will be here to comfort you and take you to school when you’re ready. I love you and I will see you this afternoon.” ● Here, mom made the love unconditional ● Even though nina didn’t get what she wanted, she was not “punished” ● Mom was REFLECTIVE and RESPONSIVE instead of reactive ● Allows mom to talk about feelings and honour nina’s feelings In contract: Focus on fear and struggle and living in constant worry that if he makes a mistake he will be punished, life will NOT function - all neuro resources will be on ‘will this make my parents happy?” “Will i get in trouble for doing this?” “What do I need to do to avoid trouble?” Every time we give child experiences of exercising his upstairs brian it gets stronger, more developed ● When you ask child questions the invite insight to oneself, he becomes more insightful Ex: When you’re angry, where do you feel it in your body? ● When we encourage to emphasis with someone else, they become empathic Ex: I wonder how Janie feels when she is left off the team Dan Siegel - No Drama Discipline - 11

● When we give child opportunity to decide how to react rather than telling them what to do, they become better decision makers Ex: That’s a tough one. What do you think we could do? Our goal is NOT to make decisions for our kids Our goal is to TEACH the kids how to take care of themselves And to be empathic, we must be empathic to them. Autonomic Nervous system: React to gusto, impulses Parasympathetic branch: “Break” system, calming us down When children develop awareness of what they do and how it impacts others = Parasympathetic Arousal, developmental awareness ● Her brain is literally re-wiring to teach how to act/ react with others CAVEAT: While “no” can have its place, when we say it on AUTOPILOT, it’s problematic “No running” “no, you can’t have this” 1) Why not now?/ cant do/ have this? 2) If “no,” can we rephrase “you can do this later” “right now it’s dinner, after dinner, you can have…” etc Children ONLY act out because they lack the skills to communicate their upsets in more effective or safety ways ● Arguably, this IS effective as we see the SOS ● It is ineffective in communicating safely or in a way that benefits everyone

3. From Tantrum to Tranquility Connecting first BEFORE learning, ESPECIALLY during tantrums 1) Stay calm 2) Stay caring 3) Stay connected The focus is to support and comfort, NOT to punish or even stop the behaviour

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Learning occurs this way. Get child’s attention and show you are emphatically present MODELLING Attunement and connection PROACTIVE parenting: Being SLOW to resolve a situation = REflective and PROACTIVE rather than reactive Sometimes no obvious signs are present to be proactive BUT Often there ARE practice response Ex: tell a story and stop “once we’re in your car seat we’ll finish the story” HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Often tantrums occur from one or more of these categories THUS Plan Ex: have snacks before a long outing (and bring more with) - counter hungry Have a rest time during a long outing - counter tired Benefit Connection 1) Move from reactivity to reflective MUST always stay connected - it’s when our kids are upset they need us the MOST ● Child is having a hard time dealing with the surroundings ● Tantrum = bid for assistance ● Overwhel...