Assignment #1 - My Divorce Story and Reflective Essay PDF

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Assignment #1 - My Divorce Story By: Lindsay Sara

When asked to think of an event that helped shape who I am as a person, I cannot help but think of my divorce. Divorce; cliché, am I right? Mine, not so much, as it revolved around domestic violence. Still not a big deal you say, think again! According to the CDC, 1 in 5 women will experience severe physical violence and/or sexual violence by an intimate partner. Consider yourself warned. I suppose a little background information is in order. I got married at the young tender age of eighteen. The relationship was abusive prior to the marriage. I know what you are thinking, why would you get married to someone who was abusive? To answer that question, I thought of the marriage as a strange attempt to save my life. Oddly enough, it did buy me some time and I left one month after the marriage. When I finally got out of the relationship and his fate was in the hands of the law, I knew the next step was to get divorced. I had no money and hardly any clothes on my back after my escape, so I turned to a local domestic violence charity, the House of Ruth. I gave them a call and explained I was in need of a divorce attorney because I was not even sure of what steps to take to obtain a divorce. Volunteers scheduled me in for a meeting at their headquarters, where I agreed I would come alone to seek assistance. I dressed in my nicest clothes, which were not very nice at all, and headed to the House of Ruth. I remember being so nervous. I met with two very sweet women who

Gross Page 2 introduced themselves as attorneys. We sat down at a table together. We started the interview with easy stuff. We talked about me briefly before jumping into what we all were here to talk about. I handed them a folder with the police report and pictures taken by police. I had assumed they were agreeing to help me ahead of time, but that was not the case. They informed me that in order to help me they would need to interview me in great detail about the abuse. I did not ask why, as I figured these were naturally details my divorce attorney would need to be privy to. Then they continued on to let me know that they had to interview me in order to see if they would be taking my case. I looked at them wide-eyed. “You mean to tell me that you need to interview me to make sure the abuse was bad enough,” I asked. They nodded their head solemnly and said that they work off grants and donations and could not afford to help everyone who sought their assistance. First, we talked about the psychological abuse. In the beginning, before the physical and sexual abuse began, he was playing mind games. He would constantly break up with me, to the point where I was not even sure if we were dating anymore. Then the isolation began. He would make up excuses as to why I could not see family or friends. Then, despite social isolation, he would constantly accuse me of cheating on him. Once the physical abuse began, the social isolation was taken to extremes. If I was out of his sight, he wanted to be in contact with me frequently. This made my work as an EMT very difficult. I had even resigned from my job at one point, until he reluctantly told me to go back because we could not survive on his salary alone.

Gross Page 3 Next, the interview continued onto the physical abuse. Once the abuse began, my entire body was constantly in pain due to the hitting, punching, biting, and choking. I rarely was without bruises, and a ton of make-up to cover the black eyes that I pretended no one else knew about. I know it sounds silly, but I still had my baby blanket when I got married. I had used it to stop bleeding on numerous occasions. He kept that precious memento, most likely because it had become blatant evidence of his abuse. I told them about the numerous instances of him choking me unconscious and me waking up to him hovering over me in anger. One time, I woke up with my eyes looking like they were bleeding. We went to the doctor. He made me lie and say a friend did it. It was not the last time I had burst blood vessels in my eyes from strangulation. They assured me of how lucky I was to be alive, because women are 10 times more likely to die in a relationship with domestic violence if the partner strangles them. Interestingly enough, the doctor had warned me of the seriousness of the act too, in reference to my hypothetical friend of course. Finally, we discussed the sexual abuse. Sex became a way of self-preservation. It never seemed to occur to him that beating me could totally kill a libido. If I did not want to have sex with him, he would accuse me of cheating. The constant accusations of cheating lead to what I would call inspections. I will not go into the grotesque detail that I went into with the lawyers I had just met, but know it was very graphic. The thing that surprised me the most, is the responses of these women. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself, but these women’s faces were neutral and caring. The entire time, these women just looked at me with caring eyes, nodded, and wrote down everything I said. After discussing the extent of the sexual abuse, I asked, “why

Gross Page 4 do you not seem surprised?” They responded by saying something I will never forget. They told me that this is not the first time they had heard this. The interview was over. These ladies told me they would be taking my case. In a way, it was an odd form of validation. I was not the only one who saw my abuse as “bad enough” to be considered traumatic. They told me to expect follow-up calls in order to prepare for court and information regarding the upcoming court dates for the divorce. We stood up and shook hands, as one naturally does after going into horrifying detail about a traumatic event to complete strangers. I left feeling strangely liberated, like all my dirty laundry was now someone else’s responsibility. I went to divorce court accompanied by my mother. Soon after arriving, we met up with the lawyers I had met at my previous interview. This was the first time I had seen them since the interview. They gave me a quick run-down on how things were going to go down once we entered the courtroom. They assured me that I was safe. We headed into the courtroom and we were called forward shortly thereafter. My soon-to-be ex-husband, wearing his orange jumpsuit and shackles, was escorted into the courtroom by bailiffs. The anger on his face was horrifying as usual. The judge entered the room; we all stood and then sat as we were told to be seated. My lawyers, oh what wonderful lawyers I had. They were so prepared when they presented the judge with my story. It was the same story I had told them, but much more eloquently of course. At one point, the lawyers tried to present the pictures I had given them and the judge held up a hand to stop my lawyers. He said he had heard enough.

Gross Page 5 The judge told them that I could have whatever I wanted. When the judge looked at my soon-to-be ex-husband he expressed disgust. He told him how lucky he was that these attorneys were not the prosecutors and that he was not the judge for his domestic violence assault charge sentencing. The judge made a bold statement, and said, “Had I been sentencing you, you would never see the light of day again.” At first my response was happiness that someone else had acknowledged my struggle. Then, I became angry. I was angry that he was going to see the light of day again. I was angry that he was only sentenced to 3 years and 6 months. I was angry that he got out jail on parole in less than a year. I was angry that upon his release he would be remarried and beat up his new wife within six months. I was angry that another woman would suffer at his hands, or at the hands of any man for that matter. I was angry that the consequences for his repeated domestic violence charges were constantly just a slap on the wrist. I was angry that he was repeatedly let out on parole despite previous violations. I was angry that my abuser was able to file retaliatory charges, which were immediately dropped, but still needed to be expunged due to dropped charges showing up illegally on background checks. I was angry, and I can’t say that much has changed in reference to my anger. On this day, more than a decade later I am still angry. I am angry that domestic violence is still commonplace. I am angry that domestic violence is a taboo subject, when we should be shouting awareness from the rooftops. I am still angry that women should have to prove their abuse is bad enough to receive support and resources. I am still angry at the lack of resource funding for survivors. In all honesty, I have a right to

Gross Page 6 be angry. It would even be fair to say that you should be angry too. If you are not angry, then you clearly have not been paying attention, and that is cliché I stand by.

About the Author: Lindsay Sara is currently single and happy. She lives in Maryland with her family and her cat named Darwin. After her divorce, she was diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury as a result of the abuse. The trauma associated with the abuse also resulted in a diagnosis of PTSD. Despite these setbacks, she has persisted. Because being dyslexic was not difficult enough, she enrolled in school to study to become a nurse. As of 2021, Lindsay has worked in the emergency department for four years as a registered nurse. She has specialized certifications in trauma nursing. Lindsay plans to obtain her certifications to become a forensic nurse in order to help victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Lindsay returned to school in 2020 to work towards obtaining her bachelor’s degree in nursing. She plans to ultimately become a nurse practitioner.

Gross Page 7 Lindsay Gross Professor Olson ENGL 291 3 March 2021

Assignment #1 - Reflective Essay Presenting My Divorce Story as an essay as opposed to other media options was a difficult choice. I particularly was torn between an essay and a podcast as my format. I had a very set way I wanted to present my story. My Divorce Story used Abdi and the Golden Ticket as the primary model, but there were some aspects of The Price of Black Ambition within the essay as well. There were several factors that really swayed my decision towards a written article. I felt as if I could articulate my story in the best fashion by using almost casual writing. I wanted to present my writing almost in the way I would have spoken during a podcast. I also had no experience producing a podcast. I began researching what would be involved with making a podcast. Although I felt relatively confident I could put something together in a podcast, I did not feel as if it would be my best work or necessarily express what I wanted to portray with my story. These factors certainly made choosing between a podcast and a written essay less difficult. Abdi and the Golden Ticket was the primary model used for My Divorce Story. The story of my divorce is only part of a bigger story that has helped define who I am as a person. Although my story is sad and I would not wish for anyone to experience what I have

Gross Page 8 experienced, it has helped me to become the person I am today. I am a strong person, who currently works every day to try and help others. With this story, there is a light brought to a larger social issue. Domestic violence is extremely common. Although resources for victims are available, the resource availability is almost questionable. The fact is there are resources available, but they are not necessarily well known or even funded proportionately to the number of victims that exist. Although I was personally able to receive assistance through these resources, not every victim may be able to get the help they desperately seek. Although Abdi and the Golden Ticket was the primary model used for My Divorce Story, aspects of The Price of Black Ambition can also be found within the essay. Statistics that can easily be found on public domains were used within My Divorce Story. The Price of Black Ambition weaves in aspects of systemic racism within our culture and how it affected the individual author of the story. My Divorce Story weaves in aspects of domestic violence culture and how it personally affected me personally as the author. There is one aspect of the two models that were used that were very similar, hence the need to make mention of both of them. Both models shone a light on larger social issues, the differences lie in the execution. My Divorce Story brought focus to domestic violence and the shortcomings of available resources....