Chapter 7 - Liking, Love, and Other Close Relationships PDF

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Attractiveness/ What is beautiful is good  Effect of proximity o Exposure effect  Why do we think attractive = good? o Stereotyping  very positive stereotype for people who are highly good looking = physical attractiveness stereotype = cognitive framework o Lemay, Clark, and Greenberg 3 step theory  First, we desire to form relationships with attractive people  Second, this desire leads us to perceive them as interpersonally responsive in return  project our own desire to form relationships with these people onto them  it is this projection that generates very positive perceptions of them.  Perceived Interpersonal Characteristics of the Target  These beliefs are often incorrect  Can be correct o Attractiveness is associated with popularity, good interpersonal skills, and high self-esteem  What is attractive o Cute o Mature o we form such schemas on the basis of our experiences with many different images, so a composite face is closer to that schema than is any specific face o beauty is generated not only by the face or body, but may involve other, seemingly peripheral environmental cues.  Red  Red make up, red light district, red  red is indeed romantic and carries a special meaning in the language of love—or at least when it comes to men’s attraction  unattractive o being overweight o in most societies’ beings overweight still tends to detract from a person’s attractiveness, which, in turn, can have negative effects on many aspects of life, from dating to careers  degree of similarity to others – o similarity hypothesis (Aristotle)  The more similar two people are to each other, the more they tend to like each other. o similarity leads to liking, or, that liking leads to similarity—people who like each other become more similar over time. o similar attitudes predicted subsequent liking o Newcomb (1956) experiment  measured their attitudes about issues via mail—such as family, religion, public affairs, and race relations—before the students reached campus. Then, their liking for one another was assessed weekly after they came to campus.  more similar the students were initially, the more they liked each other by the end of the semester

strong evidence that similarity produced attraction the extent to which they like us. Opposites attract o complementarities—differences that, when combined, help to make the individual parts work well together o complementary characteristics would be mutually reinforcing (i.e., beneficial to both people in the relationships) and hence a good basis for attraction. o there is little if any evidence for the suggestion that opposites attract. Of course, there can be exceptions to this general rule, but attraction seems to derive much more strongly from similarity than complementarity. o One such exception occurs in male–female interactions in which one person engages in dominant behaviour and the other responds in a submissive fashion Similarity—not complementarity (opposites)—seems to be the basis for attraction across many kinds of situations and many kinds of relationships. o Strong consistent evidence the similarity–dissimilarity effect o similarity tends to arouse positive feelings and dissimilarity tends to arouse negative feelings o Beyond attitudes and values, many kinds of situations involving the similarity–dissimilarity effect have been investigated. In each instance, people prefer others who are similar to themselves rather than those who are dissimilar. attitude similarity o extent to which two individuals share the same ways of thinking or feeling toward something or another person. o include not only similarity of attitudes, but also of beliefs, values, and interests. Attraction is determined by the proportion of similarity o number of topics on which two people express similar views is divided by the total number of topics on which they have communicated, the resulting proportion can be inserted in a simple formula that allows us to predict attraction. The higher the proportion of similarity, the greater the liking. o No one knows exactly how people process attitudinal information to produce that outcome. o It appears that people automatically engage in some kind of cognitive addition and division, manipulating the units of positive and negative affect they experience o The effect of attitude similarity on attraction is a strong one. It holds true regardless of the number of topics on which people express their views and regardless of how important or trivial the topics may be. It holds equally true for males and females, regardless of age, educational, or cultural differences matching hypothesis = men prefer extremely attractive people, but we invest more time in people of a similar attractive level to our own o we would rather choose someone of a similar level of attractiveness because if they are much more attractiveness to us, we run the risk of them running off with someone else because everyone finds them attractive and might steal them o some evidence indicated that people don’t always choose their “match” in appearance; they sometimes try to obtain the most attractive partners available 

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o recent research, van Straaten, Holland, Finkenauer, Hollenstein, and Engels (2010) reported findings that offer strong support for the matching hypothesis.  These researchers had male and female strangers interact briefly in a study supposedly concerned with student preferences in daily life. During the videotaped interactions, the attractiveness of the two participants was rated by observers. In addition, the observers rated the extent to which each partner engaged in efforts to make a favourable impression on the other person. Finally, each participant also rated his or her interest in dating the stranger  would invest more effort in trying to impress their partners when they were similar in attractiveness than when they were different. Results confirmed these predictions for the men: They invested more effort in building a relationship with the stranger when they were more similar to that person in attractiveness than when they were different. This result occurred even though the men were very interested in dating the extremely attractive participants o this is not true with women  much less willing to express overt interest in a potential romantic partner than men.  So, the women did not engage in strong efforts to impress their partners regardless of whether they were similar to those people or not. o provide the basis for relationships that are mutually desired and have a better chance to survive and prosper. implicit egotism = positive associations with something about ourselves do indeed increase attraction toward others who share whatever these are o even for small useless things like wearing the same sweater = more attractive why does similarity matter? o balance theory  When two people like each other and discover they are similar in some specific respect, this constitutes a state of balance, which is emotionally pleasant.  two people like each other but later find out they are dissimilar in some specific respect, the result is imbalance, which is emotionally unpleasant  state of imbalance, individuals strive to restore balance by inducing one of them to change and thus create similarity.  Balance is also maintained by underestimating or ignoring the dissimilarity or by simply deciding to dislike one another  When two people dislike each other, their relationship is in a state of nonbalence  This doesn’t matter to the people because they are indifferent to their similarities and differences o social comparison theory  you compare your attitudes and beliefs with those of others because the only way you can evaluate the accuracy of your views and their “normality” is by finding that other people agree with you  No one wants to be in the position of being “wrong,” so we turn to others to obtain consensual validation—evidence that they share our views.

it feels good because such information suggests that you have sound judgment, are in contact with reality.  Dissimilarity suggests the opposite, and that creates negative feelings.  However, dissimilarity that comes from outgroup members is less uncomfortable for us because we expect them to be different from ourselves  the rule of reciprocity o acting toward others in the way they have acted toward us operates with respect to attraction o we tend to like those who express liking toward us, and dislike those who express dislike for us  social skills o = a combination of aptitudes that help individuals who possess them to interact effectively with others. o this increases people’s liking of them o the skills =  Social astuteness (social perception):  capacity to perceive and understand others (their traits, feelings, and intentions) accurately  Interpersonal influence:  ability to change others’ attitudes or behaviour by using a variety of techniques  Social adaptability  capacity to adapt to a wide range of social situations and to interact effectively with a wide range of people  Expressiveness:  ability to show emotions openly, in a form other can readily perceive. Personality likeableness  five broad aspects of personality we really like o openness  being imaginative, seeking new ideas, and pursuing new experiences; o conscientiousness  being organized, neat, and “on time” with respect to deadlines and meetings; o agreeableness  approaching others with trust and cooperation; o extraversion  the strong tendency to be outgoing, expressive, warm, and energetic o emotional stability  the degree to which people do not have very large swings in mood over time  narcissism o People high in narcissism have inflated views of themselves—an extreme and unjustified high self-esteem. o narcissists may actually seem very likable at first  narcissists are initially liked because they are seen as charming, extraverted, more open, and even more competent than other people 

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o after people get to know them better, that their negative behaviours tip the balance toward dislike Traits likeable for different kinds of relationships o traits were viewed as more or less important depending on the kind of relationship participants had with the imaginary “ideal” person o parental investment theory  the one who invests and risks the most in reproduction—usually the female—will be the most particular when selecting a mate.  Women prefer men who have the potential to be stable well providing partners = e.g. Financial support o characteristics we desire in those with whom we form relationships appears to vary according to factors such as the type of relationship, our gender, and the stage of the relationship o basically, the ideal characteristics = it depends

= is a combination of emotions, cognitions, and behaviours that play a crucial role in close relationships. love appears cross culturally origin of love o could be a shared fantasy o adaptive = reproduction success enhancer Sternberg’s (1986) triangular model of love  intimacy = the closeness two people feel and the strength of the bond that holds them together  passion = based on romance, physical attraction, and sexuality  the sexual motives and sexual excitement associated with a couple’s relationship.  decision/commitment = represents cognitive factors  such as the decision to love and be with a person,  plus, a commitment to maintain the relationship on a permanent or long-term basis o strong and well-balanced triangle = consummate love.  Ideal but difficult to both obtain and maintain o Compassionate love  combination of intimacy plus commitment.  based on a very close relationship in which two people have a great deal in common, care about each other’s well-being, and express mutual liking and respect  not very passionate but present in marriages that last lifetimes o passionate love.  sexual attraction an essential component  passionate love includes strong emotional arousal, the desire to be physically close, and an intense need to be loved as much as you love the other person.  Loving and being loved are positive experiences, but they are often accompanied by a recurring fear that something may happen to end the relationship  his feelings are not returned by the partner, known as unrequited love

passionate love requires the presence of three basic factors  First, you must have a concept of passionate love—a basic idea of what it is—and believe that it exists (Sternberg, 1986).  Second, an appropriate love object must be present. “Appropriate” tends to mean a physically attractive person of the opposite sex who is not currently married, although this differs between cultures and in various groups within a culture.  Third, you must be in a state of physiological arousal (sexual excitement, fear, anxiety, or whatever) that can then be interpreted as the emotion of love  It can be threatened, or even destroyed, by two important factors: jealousy and infidelity.  infidelity: a partner’s betrayal through intimate relations with others  the more power individuals had, the greater their infidelity—in terms of actual incidents as well as intended ones. Moreover, these results appeared to be due primarily to their confidence. In other words, a high level of power led individuals to feel confident about their ability to engage in infidelity. This, in turn, actually increased the likelihood of such behaviour. Find youth and beauty most attractive = reproduction potential Gendered differences o they sought someone with whom they could readily divide key tasks or responsibilities. o In addition, some gender differences were observed. o Regardless of the role they expected to play themselves, women valued good provider skills more highly than did men. o In addition, women also expressed a preference for mates older than themselves, while men expressed a preference for younger ones. 

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Close relationships  Parent – child relationship o Attachment style = the degree of security an individual feel in interpersonal relationships.  secure attachment style o is high in both self-esteem and trust. o Secure individuals are best able to form lasting, committed, satisfying relationships throughout life o more likely to have positive long-term relationships, while those with a fearful- avoidant style often avoid such relationships  fearful-avoidant attachment style o Someone low in both self-esteem and interpersonal trust o tend to not form close relationships or tend to have unhappy ones o also experience higher levels of stress when they have conflicts worst of all, those with insecure attachment (and especially a fearful-avoidant style) are more likely to commit suicide

preoccupied attachment style. o Low self-esteem combined with high interpersonal trust o wants closeness (sometimes excessively so), and o they readily form relationships. o They cling to others but expect to be rejected eventually because they believe themselves to be unworthy  Dismissing attachment style o are high in self-esteem and low in interpersonal trust o leads people to believe that they are very deserving of good relationships. o these individuals don’t trust others, they fear genuine closeness o kind of people who say they don’t want or need close relationships with others  grandparents, aunts, and uncles can also have strong effects on a child’s development and later social behaviour  withdrawn, unreliable mother can be partly offset by the presence of an outgoing, dependable grandfather.  Every interaction is potentially important as a young person is developing attitudes about the meaning and value of such factors as trust, affection, self-worth, competition, and humour o 2 basic attitudes as infants  Self-esteem  The behaviour and the emotional reactions of the caregiver (parent) provide information to the infant that he or she is a valued, important, loved individual or,  Interpersonal trust  based largely on whether the caregiver is perceived by the infant as trustworthy, dependable, and reliable  or as relatively untrustworthy, undependable, and unreliable sibling relationship o having brothers or sisters provides useful interpersonal learning experiences o often combine feelings of affection, hostility, and rivalry o sibling rivalry is far surpassed by the shared memories and affection that siblings feel for one another close friendships o they exhibit modesty when interacting with their long-term friends (Tice et al., 1995). Close friends are less likely to lie to one another, unless the lie is designed to make the friend feel better o two individuals spend increasing amounts of time together, interacting in varied situations, self-disclosing, and providing mutual emotional support o that similarity is an important basis for interpersonal attraction o For people who are just beginning to get acquainted, perception appears to be more important than underlying reality, in terms of friendship formation. women and friendships o Women tend to place greater emphasis on intimacy—expecting to share and discuss emotions and experiences with their friends and receive emotional support from them. Men and friendships 

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o In contrast, men tend to form friendships on the basis of activities o playing sports, working on joint projects, sharing hobbies...