Chapter 7 understanding interpersonal communication PDF

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Textbook notes for Bailey Lathem's SPCH 1311 course (textbook: Understanding Human Communication)....

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WHY WE FORM RELATIONSHIPS The factors below most influence our choice of relational partners. appearance. We are more likely to show romantic interest in people we consider physically attractive. However, physical attractiveness can be a disadvantage because people tend to judge attractive people more critically than others (as they may hold them to higher expectations). We tend to care less about physical factors when searching for a life partner. similarity. Similarity in a relationship predicts happiness and satisfaction. We tend to gravitate toward people who share our personality as well as our physical characteristics (e.g. hair colour, etc). Although different compatibility factors like physical attributes can help determine relationship success, the most important determinant of long term satisfaction is communication. Sometimes we tend to overestimate similarities between us and friends and underestimate the similarities between us and strangers. This can lead to us dismissing people with a different skin colour, native language, or national origin than us, as we may assume we have little in common. complementary. Differences can strengthen a relationship if they are complementary, meaning that each partner’s characteristics satisfy the other’s need. Relationships also work well when the partners agree that one will exercise control in certain areas and the other will exercise control in different areas. Strains occur when control issues are disputed. reciprocal attraction. We are attracted to people who like us, as they bolster our feelings of self-esteem. However, sometimes other people’s interest can be a bit excessive and even a turn-off for us. competence. We like to be around talented people because we hope their skills and abilities will rub off on us. However, we may be uncomfortable around those who are too competent, probably because we look bad by comparison. We tend to be more attracted to people who have visible flaws that show us that they are human, just like us. disclosure. Revealing important information about yourself through disclosure can help build liking. Sometimes the basis of this liking comes from learning about how we are similar, either in experiences or attitudes. When someone shares private information with you, it shows that they respect and trust you, which increases attractiveness. However, the success of the relationship depends on the content of the disclosed information. The information must be appropriate for the setting and stage of the relationship. proximity. We are more likely to like someone if they are in close proximity to us, because this allows us to get more information about other people and benefit from a relationship with them. However,

close proximity is not always a factor which determines the success of the relationship. rewards. Some scientists argue that all relationships, both impersonal and personal, are based on a semieconomic model called social exchange theory, which suggests that we often seek out people who can give us rewards that are greater than or equal to the costs we encounter in dealing with them. Rewards can be tangible (e.g. a nice place to live, money) or intangible (e.g. emotional support, companionship). This theory is depicted by the formula: Rewards - Costs = Outcome An example of this can be seen when friends and romantic partners tolerate each other’s quirks because the comfort and enjoyment they get make the less-than-pleasant times worth accepting. This also supports why some people stay in abusive relationships. CHARACTERISTICS OF INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION what makes communication interpersonal? Contextually interpersonal communication: includes all dyadic communication (communication between two individuals) and involves less personal interactions, such as a routine transaction between a sales clerk or asking a stranger for directions. Qualitatively interpersonal communication: occurs when people treat one another as unique individuals, regardless of the context in which the interaction occurs or the number of people involved. This is not as impersonal as contextually interpersonal communication. interpersonal communication in online relationships. Some have argued that mediated communication reduces the frequency and quality of face-toface interaction. Others argue that communicators who strive to acquire a large number of friends on social networking sites are engaging in superficial, impersonal relationships. However, research shows that communication can enhance the quantity and quality of interpersonal communication. For example, adolescents who use online communication typically have more cohesive friendships with other teens. Others report that the internet allows them to keep in touch with their family and friends, especially those who live far away. Online communication can also improve well-being, such as by increasing self-esteem or reducing stress with friends who are supportive and trustworthy. Online communication also allows people to think more critically about their messages before sending the, which can improve the quality of relationships. content and relational messages. Every message contains two kinds of messages: 1. Content Messages: focus on the subject being discussed. These are the most obvious and includes statements such as “I’m busy Saturday night.” 2. Relational Messages: make statements about how the parties feel toward one another. These messages express communicators’ feelings and attitudes involving one or more

dimensions, such as those described below. Affinity: the degree to which people like or appreciate one another. Affinity is influenced by admirable qualities of the person such as humour, talent, creativity, compassion, etc. Respect: the degree to which we admire others and hold them in esteem. Affinity and respect are different because you can like someone but not respect them, and you can respect someone’s accomplishments or talents without liking them. Immediacy: the degree of interest and attraction we feel toward and communicate to others. It is different from affinity because you can like someone (high affinity) but not communicate this feeling to them (low immediacy). This can go vice versa as well. Control: the amount of influence communicators seek. Control can be evenly distributed in relationships or one person can have more than the other. An uneven distribution of control won’t cause issues as long as everyone accepts the arrangement. metacommunication. Metacommunication: messages that refer to other messages. When we discuss a relationship with others, we are using metacommunication. For example, phrases such as “It sounds like you’re angry at me,” or “I appreciate how honest you’ve been” are metacommunication. Metacommunication is an important method of solving conflicts in a constructive manner because it allows us to look below the surface of a message. It is also a way to reinforce the good aspects of a relationship, such as when someone says “I really appreciate it when you compliment me about my work in front of the boss.” However, metacommunication can make people uncomfortable, such as those who do not like to speak openly about issues or those who do not like their behaviour being analyzed. COMMUNICATION OVER THE RELATIONAL LIFE SPAN Communication scholars have described two ways in which relationships develop/shift: 1) A developmental perspective 2) A dialectical perspective a developmental perspective. Developmental model: breaks down the rise and fall of relationships into 10 stages, contained in the two broad phases of “coming together” and “coming apart.” Initiating: the stage of initiation involves the initial making of contact with another person. This is restricted to conversation openers, both in initial contacts and in contacts with acquaintances. These include phrases such as “Nice to meet you” and “How’s it going?”. This stage is important because it is when you formulate first impressions and present yourself to another person. Experimenting: in the experimenting stage, conversation develops as people get acquainted by making “small talk.” We may ask questions such as “where are you from” or “what do you do?”. This stage serves four purposes: 1) It is useful for uncovering integrating topics and openings for more conversation.

2) It can forge a friendship or can be way of increasing the scope of a current relationship. 3) It provides a safe procedure for indicating who we are as a person to another individual. 4) It allows us to maintain a sense of community with each other. Intensifying: at this stage, the interpersonal relationship begins to develop. The expression of feelings toward the other becomes more common. During this stage romantic partners express their feelings directly (through metacommunication) or indirectly (e.g. spending a greater amount of time together, asking for support from each other, doing favors for each other, hinting and flirting, etc). Touching is more common during this stage. Integrating: this is the stage where the relationship strengthens between two partners and they are recognized as a couple in social circles. The partners begin to take on each other’s commitments, such as meeting each other’s family or moving into the same apartment. Partners develop their own rituals for everything and even begin to speak alike. Bonding: during this stage, the parties make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists. The most common form of bonding in romantic relationships is a wedding ceremony. Bonding generates social support for the relationship. Commitment is solidified and there is a public statement of exclusivity between both partners. Differentiating: now that this commitment has been made, both partners need to reestablish individual identities. Partners use a variety of strategies to gain privacy from each other. Sometimes they confront each other or offer nonverbal cues. Circumscribing: communication in this stage decreases in quantity and quality. Rather than discuss an agreement, members opt for withdrawal--either mental (e.g. silence or daydreaming and fantasizing) or physical (e.g. spending less time together). While it doesn’t involve total avoidance, there is a decrease in interest and commitment. Stagnating: it circumscribing continues, the relationship begins to stagnate. Members start to behave toward each other in old, familiar ways without much feeling. There is no more joy or energy invested in the relationship because everything is drained. Avoiding: when stagnation worsens, parties in a relationship begin to create distance between each other. Sometimes this is done with excuses (e.g. “I’ve been sick lately and can’t see you) and sometimes it’s done more directly (e.g. “Please don’t call me. I don’t want to see you now”). By this point, it is obvious that the relationship is coming to an end. Terminating: this stage can be short or long, depending on the couple. The relationship, in short, ends. This can be done with such things as a phone call, a cordial dinner, or a legal document. Not every relationship goes through this stage. a dialectical perspective. Some scholars argue that communicators seek important but inherently incompatible goals throughout virtually all of their relationships. The dialectical model suggests that struggling to achieve these goals creates dialectical tensions, conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously. Scholars suggest that the struggle to manage these

dialectical tensions creates the most powerful dynamics in relational communication. Three powerful dialectical tensions include: Connection Versus Autonomy: the idea that while we want to build a connection with someone, we are ultimately unwilling to sacrifice our own independence to do so. This issue is one of the main causes of breakups--a lack of commitment to one’s partner. Predictability Versus Novelty: too much stability in a relationship can lead to feelings of staleness. Partners that know each other too well can become bored with the relationship. However, there is no optimal mixture of stability and surprise. Openness Versus Privacy: we all have an innate desire to maintain some space between ourselves and others. Even the strongest relationships require some distance. Strategies for managing dialectical tensions: one of the least functional reactions to dialectical tensions is denial, dismissing the tensions as irrelevant or trivial. Another reaction is disorientation, in which communicators feel so overwhelmed and helpless that they are unable to confront their problems. In the strategy of selection, communicators respond to one end of the dialectical spectrum and ignore the other. Communicators may also use the strategy or alternation to alternate between one end of the dialectical spectrum at some times and the other end at other times. Another strategy is segmentation, a tactic in which partners compartmentalize different areas of their relationship. Moderation is another strategy, characterized by compromises, in which communicators choose to back off from expressing either end of the dialectical spectrum. Communicators can also respond to dialectical challenges by reframing them in terms that redefine the situation so that the apparent contradiction disappears. A final strategy is reaffirmation, acknowledging that dialectical tensions will never disappear and accepting or even embracing the challenges they present. INTIMACY IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS dimensions of intimacy. Intimacy: close union, contact, association, or acquaintance. Forms of intimacy include affectionate hugs, kisses, and even struggles. Companions who have endured physical challenges together form a bond that can last a lifetime. In other cases, intimacy comes from intellectual sharing of ideas. Another quality of intimacy is emotion, exchanging important feelings. Shared activities can provide another way to achieve intimacy. This can include working side by side with a partner or meeting regularly for exercise workouts. Partners can also invent private codes, fool around by acting like other people, tease each other, and play games. Intimacy waxes and wanes in most relationships. It is not entirely stable. male and female intimacy styles. Studies show that women are more likely to disclose personal information than men. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to show intimacy by partaking in activities with others (activities

that don’t rely heavily on disclosure) or offering to help with something. personal preferences for intimacy. People typically orient to one of five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch. Descriptions of these languages are below: 1) Words of Affirmation: include compliments, thanks, and statements that express love and commitment. Adult siblings, partners, and romantic partners use these often. 2) Quality Time: might involve completing a task together, talking, or some other activity both partners enjoy. Quality time can even be talking about doing things together. 3) Acts of Service: include running errands, playing caregiver to a friend who is sick, and other favors. Committed couples take this approach often. 4) Gifts: can be for holidays such as Valentine’s Day or other occasions (e.g. anniversary). 5) Physical Touch: may involve a hug, kiss, a pat on the back, or even sex. cultural influences on intimacy. In Asian cultures, emotions involving relationships are typically expressed less directly than in Western cultures. For example, people in China adapt their speech to be more or less formal depending on the relative status and degree of intimacy between two people. Culture also plays a role in shaping how much intimacy we display in different types of relationships. For example, public displays of affection are considered taboo in Japan. SELF-DISCLOSURE IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS Self-disclosure: the process of deliberately revealing information about oneself that is significant and that would not normally be known by others. People self-disclose for many reasons. Some involve developing and maintaining relationships. We self-disclose depending on many factors, first being whether or not we know the other person well. The second reason is self-clarification, to sort out confusion and to understand ourselves better. With strangers, reciprocity becomes the most common reason for disclosing. Another reason is impression formation, in which we try to make ourselves look good. models of self-disclosure. Breadth and Depth (Social Penetration): there are two ways in which communication can be more or less disclosing. The first dimension of self-disclosure in the social penetration involves the breadth of information volunteered (the range of subjects being discussed). The second dimension of disclosure is the depth of the information being volunteered, the shift from relatively non-revealing messages to more personal ones. Depending on the breadth and depth of information shared, a relationship can be defined as casual or intimate. Self-disclosure, Self-Awareness, and Relational Quality: another model that helps represent how self-disclosure operates is the Johari Window, which includes everything there is to know about you, such as your likes, dislikes, goals, secrets, needs, etc. The window is separated first into two parts--the part you know about yourself and the part you don’t. The window is then

separated into two more parts--the facts about about you that others know and the facts about you that you keep to yourself. The part with the information which both you and the other person know is called the open area. The part containing information which you are unaware of but the other person knows is called the blind area. The hidden area contains information that you know but aren’t willing to reveal to others. The last part represents information that is unknown to both you and others. characteristics of effective self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is influenced by culture: the level of self-disclosure for one culture may seem completely inappropriate in another one. For example, disclosure is very high mainstream in the U.S. because we promote self-expression and attention to personal concerns; however, in more collectivistic cultures, self-disclosure is not commonplace. Self-disclosure usually occurs in dyads: people are more likely to reveal information about themselves in one-on-one settings to limit the amount of personal risk. However, online communication makes it more commonplace to reveal information about themselves in groups. Effective self-disclosure is usually symmetrical: in one-on-one conversations in which one participant reveals personal information about themselves, it is very likely that another person will reciprocate and reveal their own personal information as well. Effective self-disclosure occurs incrementally: no one is likely to reveal everything about themselves to someone else. It takes time to build someone’s trust and get to the point where both people are comfortable with sharing personal details. Also, revealing too much information about yourself at the beginning of the relationship could make the other person uncomfortable. Self-disclosure is relatively scarce: even people in intimate relationships rarely talk about personal information. Whether or not someone self-discloses depends on numerous factors (e.g. urgency, conversational appropriateness, relational security, important reason, etc). guidelines for appropriate self-disclosure. Is the Other Person Important to You?: do you feel comfortable sharing your personal information with this person? Do you feel that it would help the relationship? Is the Risk of Disclosing Reasonable?: evaluate the potential risks of the disclosure beforehand and ask if the benefits are greater than the potential negative outcomes. Consider the person’s trustworthiness before revealing personal information. Are the Amount and Type of Disclosure Appropriate?: you can always pick and choose which information you would like someone to know. If you feel comfortable revealing some information but not all, tell the person what you feel comfortable with. Is the Disclosure Relevant to the Situation at Hand...