Dark Side - Summary The Dark Side of Interpersonal Communication PDF

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Includes class notes and answers to all exams throughout the class. , summer...

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WEEK 1: What is the Dark Side? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Destructive forces in relationships (ex: infidelity) Dysfunction in relationships (Ex: stalking, obsession) Undesirable, unattractive, unpleasant factors: hurt and annoy feelings Elements that are understudied in relationships/ love Elements that are commonly misunderstood in relationships

Reasons for bright & dark elements: 1. Relating to each other: yours and another person’s (2 sets of values & attitudes) 2. Interaction does not occur in the vacuum: bring influences from other places (work, school, etc)  Ex: Horrible day at work 3. Always times when partners have different approaches to life situations  Ex: when couple has a baby Dark side behaviors:  Leave impression on people (negative, cognitive)  brain concentrates more on negativity (5 positive factors)  Negative behaviors are unexpected  Expect our partners to show positivity  when negative behavior happens we ask Why? How? Did he/she do it “We hurt the ones we love the most”  According to research: 8 possible reasons 1. Intimacy: involves disclosure (thoughts, believes, hopes, dreams, attitudes)  can use information to hurt feelings in the future 2. Becoming committed before knowing things about each other  unpleasant surprise 3. Idealize one another: ‘positive illusion’  downplay negative elements, start to notice negative, irritating things = positive illusions start to fade 4. Every day is a new adventure/ exciting  passion fades away 5. Once relationship matures  Put less effort into relationship (social maintenance behavior) 6. Spending too much time together 7. Loss adverse  more hurt when we lose something than gain something 8. Fear of exclusion  worried about the partner to fall out of love with me

Foundational concepts: 1. Attachment Theory  Attachment: idea that the bonds we form with our primary caregivers as infants are influential throughout the lifespan  Secure attachment: child has a positive view of the self and a positive view of others  Sets a stage for healthy and satisfying interpersonal relationships throughout the lifespan Adult attachment styles: 1. Secure: positive view of self and others (communication with others) 2. Preoccupied: negative view of self, positive view of others  Overly dependent on their partners, worry that partners do not care for them, view relationship as more important than personal goals 3. Fearful: negative view of self, negative view of others  Fearful of intimacy, have trouble expressing emotions 4. Dismissive: positive view of self, negative view of others  Dislike relying on others, prioritize personal goals over relationships Change in attachment style: 1. Significant life/relationship events 2. The partner’s attachment style 3. Variability across relationship styles 2. The Big Five Personality Traits (OCEAN): measuring an individual’s personality (used in social sciences) 1. Openness to experience: inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious 2. Conscientiousness: organized (viewed as stubborn, obsessive) vs. easy-going/ careless (viewed as sloppy, unreliable) 3. Extraversion: outgoing vs. reserved 4. Agreeableness: friendly (viewed as naïve, submissive) vs. analytical (viewed as argumentative) 5. Neuroticism: sensitive/ nervous vs. secure/confident In dating:  Level of conscientiousness positively correlated with the relationship quality  Neuroticism is negatively correlated Engaged:  Positive correlation of extraversion and conscientiousness Marriage:  Neuroticism, extraversion, and agreeableness

Uncertainty:

Exists when:  Things are ambiguous, complex, unpredictable  Information is unavailable/ inconsistent  People feel insecure about a particular issue / general knowledge How do people deal with uncertainty? 1. Information seeking: gaining more information (active: ask 3rd party, passive: observation, interactive: ask primary party, extractive: online resources) 2. Information avoiding: living with uncertainty to avoid perceived negative feelings  shield themselves from overwhelming information 3. Adapting to chronic uncertainty: uncertainty is a part of everyone’s life  trust in partner, relying on faith of a higher power 4. Social support as uncertainty management: relying on social support  discussing feelings with friends, family, etc. Relational uncertainty: the degree of confidence people have in their perceptions of involvement within interpersonal relationship 1. Self: questions people have about their own participation in a relationship a. EX: Whether or not to be in a relationship (good vs bad; goals) 2. Partner: doubts individuals have about their partner’s participation 3. Relationship: the ambiguity people feel about the relationship itself a. EX: Questions about the future, definition, etc Global uncertainty: about the overall nature of the relationship Episodic uncertainty: about particular events that occur in a relationship  Moving to a new place  Changes a partner’s job / behavior  Infidelity  A new baby What predicts uncertainty? 1. Characteristics of individuals a. Avoid situations b. Tolerance for ambiguity c. Uncertainty orientation d. Self-confidence 2. Qualities of relationships: a. Distance: Physical (long distance vs. proximal relationships) vs. Psychological (casual acquaintances vs friends/romantics partners) b. Intimacy: periods of transitions involve uncertainty (form flirting to dating) 3. Features of situations: a. Typical vs atypical behavior (more uncertainty)

b. Positive vs negative situations (more uncertainty) c. Adherence to social norms (accepted norms have more uncertainty) Uncertainty in relationships:  Judge partner’s behavior  Hesitate discussing sensitive issues with the partner  Perceive that their social network is not being supportive of their relationship Cognitive outcomes of (episodic) uncertainty:  Means of losing control  Negative valanced  Obstacle to goal achievement  Requires time and effort to solve or address Emotional outcomes of uncertainty:  Jealousy  Anger  Sadness  Fear  Pleasant surprise: positive outcome Managing episodic uncertainty: 1. Direct communication (positive valence) 2. Avoidance (negative valence) Outcomes of global uncertainty: prefer to live with ambiguity than address it  People are less likely to express feelings of jealousy  Avoid talking about their relationship  Topical avoidance Paradoxes: 1. People who need information most are least likely to obtain it 2. Cycle of avoiding direct communication 3. Unpredictable behavior Bright side of uncertainty:  Can protect from embarrassing themselves/ protect relationship  Can bring excitement to relationships  Can provide opportunities for couples to reaffirm their commitment to each other

WEEK 2: Narcissism:

Greek mythology Name of the flower that has the same route Narcissism: need for admiration, lack of empathy, self-importance, fantasies of unlimited success, power  Individuals in collectivists cultures are less narcissistic than in individualistic cultures  Younger people are more narcissistic than older people (get more wise, generational)  Socially flexible: good at self-monitoring  Make good 1st impressions  Leaders score high on narcissism; engage in ST relationships Big Five: “narcissists are outgoing and mean”  Score low on agreeableness  Score high on extraversion Narcissism & Attraction:  Agentic traits (value): help individuals to stand out and be noticed  Communal traits (downplay): help people connect with others/ blend in Attraction:  Matching hypothesis: people that remind them of themselves  Self-enhancement  Preference for ST relationships Investment Model (components of commitment): high satisfaction & investment; poor quality of alternatives  Satisfaction: rewards, costs, outcomes, and comparison levels o Outcome: reward-cost ratio o Comparison level: how rewarding in comparison to others’ relationships o Satisfying when: rewards outweigh costs & the outcome is as good/ better than others’ relationships  Investment: inputs that individuals put into relationships o Intrinsic: time, effort o Extrinsic: develop dover time (possessions: dog together, social networks: making friends as a couple)  Quality of alternatives: considering one’s relational options o Perception of poor alternatives predicts commitment  No one out there better than your partner o Perception of good alternatives predict less commitment  There are more people who can be good for me Narcissism and sex: Sociosexual orientation: engage in sexual activity outside of a committed relationship

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People with restricted sociosexual orientation are less willing to cheat, prefer greater love People with unrestricted sociosexual orientation are more willing to cheat

Narcissism and aggression:  Engage in provoked aggression  Displaced aggressions is not uncommon LT relationships with narcissists: 1. Commitment very closely tied to satisfaction 2. Awareness of alternatives 3. Agentic orientation 4. Quick tempers, prone to aggression Tend to engage in: 1. Idealization – devaluation – discarding pattern 2. Gaslighting: form of manipulation; hoping the other person to question themselves 3. Protection of positive face and manipulation of social networks 4. Psychological triangulation: bringing in a 3rd party to manipulate the partner (flirt to make a partner jealous)

Jealousy:

Types of jealousy:  Romantic  Platonic  Workplace  Family Emotional responses to jealousy:  Emotional devastation: feelings of helplessness, insecurity  Fear: of abandonment & the end of relationship soon  Anger  Sadness Communicative responses: 1. Surveillance: spying, restriction, monopolizing time 2. Communication with the rival 3. Signs of possession: verbal signs, physical signs, possessive ornamentation (displaying photographs, wearing rings) 4. Avoidance: withdrawal, situation avoidance, unwillingness to communicate with partner Jealousy & Aggression:  Aggressive communication: yelling arguing, making accusations  Manipulation attempts  Violent behaviors  Reactive retribution: revenge Bright side: Ways of dealing with jealousy:  Integrative communication: o Disclosing feelings without hostility o Asking partner questions in a non-accusatory way o Discussing the future of the relationship  Compensatory restoration behaviors: improve the self or the relationship o Resource display o Enhancing physical appearance o Emphasizing love and caring o Putting more effort into the relationship *Multi-dimensional jealousy scale: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral jealousies WEEK 3: Aversive communicative behaviors

COMPLAINING Reading: Complaining what’s the fuss about? 2 components: 1. Experiencing dissatisfaction 2. Expressing dissatisfaction Complaints: discrepancy between an individual’s expectations and reality Utility of complaint: will complaining about the discrepancy between expectation and reality make things better?  Perception  Utility is high: individual perceives that complaining will be helpful  will voice the complaint  Utility is low: individual will not voice the complaint Why do we complain? 1. Catharsis: a way to vent frustrations and dissatisfactions in an attempt to make themselves feel better  positive, because it lets it all out and makes you feel better 2. Self-presentation: attempting to manipulate how one is perceived by others a. Demonstrate high standards b. Look puserior c. Save face d. Avoid having to participate in undesired activities *selective in choosing who to complain to *worry about not being perceived as ‘the complainer’ 3. Social comparison: compare ourselves to others to gain information a. To reduce uncertainty b. Learn how to define the self 4. Call for account: ask for an explanation (to explain bad behavior) a. To change other’s bad behavior b. May result in a defensive reaction What makes complaints aversive? 1. Incessant complaining: hearing an individual complain about everything, all the time  alienating and off-putting a. They may be uncomfortable with a regular conversation b. Trying to focus a conversation on themselves

3 components: 1. Authentic vs Inauthentic complaints

a. Authentic: the person is perceived as suffering from a legitimate problem  less aversive b. Inauthentic: the person is perceived as trying to gain a reward or avoid a punishment  more aversive 2. Verifiable vs non-verifiable complaints a. Verifiable: can be substantiated (visible that a person is suffering)  less aversive b. Non-verifiable: perceived as subjective and not able to be substantiated by evidence  more aversive 3. Direct vs Indirect a. Direct: using a complaint to the person who is the source of the dissatisfaction  less aversive b. Indirect: using a complaint to a third party  more aversive 2. Instrumentality: a. Instrumental: a complaint is issued, and then the person who is issued the complaint takes action  less aversive b. Non-instrumental: a complaint is issued and then no action is taken ‘complain to complain’  more aversive 3. Intentionality: a. Mindless  less aversive b. Intentional: a strategic attempt to change another person’s behavior i. ST: prompts a defensive response ii. LT: may be beneficial to a relationship 4. Mood contagion a. Listening to complaints about a situation can make the listener more aware of his negative feelings toward a situation b. Cognitive burden: listening to complaints might prompt the listener to share the complaint with others c. One-upping: cycle of trying to do ‘out do’ the complainer  bigger complaint 5. Interaction issues: complementarity Listener characteristics:  Level of emotional detachment  Personal definitions of complaining  Listener’s own propensity to complain Help-rejecting complainers: (gets under people’s skin; aversive reputation)  People who always complain, in order to get help/advice, but then reject help/advice  Exaggerate problems  feel that their problems deserve more attention that others’  Frustrating to deal with and illustrate why complaining is an aversive behavior COMPLAINTS & CRITICISM Types of complaints:

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Behavioral issues: Why are you always late? Personal characteristics: I really wish that you would be more considerable Performance: Your grades are not very good Complaining about complaining: I am so sick of hearing you complain Personal appearance: Your clothes are really ugly

Responses to complaints: levels of defensiveness 1. Accommodation: least defensive a. Listening and responding in a supportive way b. Cooperative c. Couples in satisfying, committed relationships are likely to engage in accommodation 2. Giving accounts or explanations: miss defensive a. Explaining why the offensive action took place b. EX: why are you late?  my boss made me stay late after work. 3. Withdrawing & Denials: mid-high defensive a. Withdrawl: You are always late!  I cant talk about this right now b. Denial: You are always late!  No, I am not. You are early. 4. Counter-complaining or attacking: very defensive a. Matching a complaint with another complaint How do complaints affect relationships? 1. Gottman’s Cascade Model: 4 horsemen of apocalypse 2. The Demand-Withdraw pattern Cascade Model: 1. Complaints and criticism 2. Contempt/ Disgust: comes from sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, mockery 3. Defensives: to accept the responsibility 4. Stonewalling Demand-Withdraw pattern:  Problems of punctuation: partners contribute to the cause of the problem different  resolution to the problem can be very different Brown and Levinson’s Politeness theory: threats to face are an inherent part of social interaction. We try to protect our own face and often try to protect the face of others. 1. Positive face: the favorable image that a person presents and hope to be liked by others 2. Negative face: person’s desire to be free from imposition & have control of her time, property, space, and resources Complaints can threaten a positive face:  Express disapproval  Suggest rejection  Hard to take in close relationships

Complaints can threaten a negative face:  If a complaint suggests that an individual change their behavior Strategies for complaining: 1. Bald on record: not polite a. No regard for the other person’s face b. Direct c. Efficient d. EX: pick up your socks, they are disgusting 2. Positive politeness: mid polite a. Desire to make the other person feel good about themselves b. May involve statements of friendships, compliments c. EX: I know you try really hard and you know how much I love you, but could you please remember to pick up your socks? 3. Negative politeness: mid polite a. EX: I know that you are really busy in the morning and in a rush to get to work, but could you please remember to pick up your socks? 4. Off record: polite a. Uses indirect language, uses hints b. EX: I wish it was cleaner in the house 5. Don’t complain: very polite How do people decide which strategy to use? 1. Power: one person can influence another person a. Low: fairly equal relationship (low weight) b. High: one person is substantially more powerful than the other (high weight) 2. Distance: degree of closeness and social similarity a. Low: individuals have a close relationship and are socially similar b. High: individuals do not have a close relationship and are socially dissimilar 3. Rank: culturally defined understandings of how threatening a complaint is a. Low: complaint is not threatening b. High: complaint is very threatening *When the weight is large  chose a more polite strategy (Off record & don’t complain) *When the weight is small, choose a less polite strategy (Bald on-record)

TEASING & BULLYING Imposing harm:  Damaging the social identity of the victim

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Lowering the victim’s social status Lowering the level of power possessed by the victim

Force compliance: perceived violation of a social norm Bullying:  Threat  Punishment  Bodily force: use of physical contact Proactive bullying: the reason is explained by the bully’s own selfish motivation  to impress, fell better, social hierarchy Reactive bullying: a bully perceives that a victim is violating a social norm Bullies (examples of bullies p. 188):  Impulsive  Angry  Disrespectful  Lack empathy  Narcissistic Consequences:  Loneliness  Low self0-esteem  Depression  Social problems  Academic underperformance Responses to bullying: Nathanson’s model 1. Attack self: associated with depression  ‘I am worthless’ 2. Attack others 3. Withdrawal 4. Avoidance Family communication standards (FCS):  Openness  Emotional/ instrumental support  Avoidance WEEK 4: UNREQUITED LOVE How do people fall in love?  Attracted

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Rush of positive emotions and sexual desire Overwhelming need to spend time together Intimacy and commitment Happy

Why is unrequited love on the dark side? 1. Poorly understood and understudied 2. Involves relational dysfunction (one person loves the person who doesn’t love back) 3. Negative emotions Unrequited love: passionate love for another person who does not want romantic involvement  Unreciprocated love 1. The would be love 2. The rejecter Common love situations: 1. Falling upward: developing romantic feelings for someone who is more attractive or more desirable than you a. Matching hypothesis: people with similar levels of attractiveness tend to form relationships b. Out of their league 2. Platonic friendships 3. Early stages of a romantic relationship: two people begin a romantic relationship, but one person decides that he/she is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship a. Difficult for would-be lover’s self-esteem b. Confusing, guilt, frustration Would-be lovers: 1. Actively try to ‘win over’ the other person 2. Give up trying to pursue the other person Rejecter: 1. Actively reject would-be lover’s love (hurt feelings, create relational damage) 2. Passively go along with the would-be lover’s love (postponing)

Avoidance & Silence:  Rejecters are hesitant to use direct communication o Don’t want to hurt the other person  usually are concerned about the other person o Trying to help the o...