SFL 223 Marriage Toolkit PDF

Preview

Summary

Download SFL 223 Marriage Toolkit PDF

Description

1

MARRIAGE TOOLKIT A guide through the Marriage Preparation course to be reflected on as a reference throughout my marriage.

Rachel (Halversen) Okamoto

2

Section 1: Philosophy & Application

(pg. 4)

Things to remember from class

(pg. 5)

What I am going to do (put principles in action)

(pg. 11)

Personal Philosophy of Marriage (Activity)

(pg. 13)

Other Resources (Not from Class)

(pg. 15)

Section 2: Foundation Principles

(pg. 19)

Things to remember from class

(pg. 20)

What I am going to do (put principles in action)

(pg. 27)

Practice Becoming more Christlike (Activity)

(pg. 29)

Other Resources (Not from Class)

(pg. 32)

Section 3: Becoming

(pg. 35)

Things to remember from class

(pg. 36)

What I am going to do (put principles in action)

(pg. 47)

Heart to Heart about a Fear (Activity)

(pg. 48)

Resources from Class to look back on

(pg. 49)

Other Resources (Not from Class)

(pg. 50)

Section 4: Finding

(pg. 56)

Things to remember from class

(pg. 57)

What I am going to do (put principles in action)

(pg. )

Marital Action Plan (Activity)

(pg. )

Resources from Class to look back on

(pg. )

Other Resources (Not from Class)

(pg. )

Section 5: Committing Things to remember from class

(pg. ) (pg. )

3

What I am going to do (put principles in action)

(pg. )

Admired Traits of a Spouse (Activity)

(pg. )

Resources from Class to look back on

(pg. )

Other Resources (Not from Class)

(pg. )

4

SECTION 1: PHILOSOPHY & APPLICATION

5

Things to Remember from Class (Take Learning is more effective when you trust failure will be greeted with understanding and recognized as a master teacher.

Home Points) - We are all going to experience failure; it is how we respond to that failure that changes our outcome. Do I embrace my failure as an encouragement to find a different solution, or do I let it discourage me to give up?

The worst part of dealing with a difficult task is often drawing up the courage to start.

*Why is the purpose/cause? WHY (motivation)

*How do you demonstrate your why? *What are you doing with your time? Are you aligned with who you want to be?

HOW (process)

By losing our fear of failure, we become free to

WHAT (product)

challenge ourselves to a far greater degree.

THE GOLDEN CIRCLE

6

You must thrive alone before you can thrive in a relationship

Exercises: 

Relaxed position (10-20min) close eyes and simply note thoughts, emotions, sounds…acknowledge and move on  Mindful: consider proactive steps; accept the unchangeable… meditation  Self-Compassion Journal

Spiritually Minded Life Eternal = S.M.I.L.E Give yourselfIskindness and care you deserve Three notice you Doorways areSPIRIT in MIND -In pain

Bo di l yNeRemind yourself encountering pain is part of

the shared human experience *Chart Menstrual Cycle: gives a Hold thoughts/emotions in mindful awareness period; gives insight to the Self-compassion provides clarity so changes in mood; identify we will know what needs to be BODY common trends; understand changed. This makes admitting to when body changes. needed areas of improvement easier. HEALTHY (Ideas of where: mymonthlycycles.com… clue...pinkpad) “Spiritually, our true aim, is the consciousness of victory over self & communion with the Infinite”

7

- WemustchooseGod.I ti saneffor tmadei nor dert obecome mor et hanwear enow. Rel axi ng/Rej uvenat i ngi sc r uci alf oral loft heseaspec t st oc ome t oget heri nhar monyandwi t hbal anc e.Taket het i met obeal li nwi t h t hemoment sast he yc ome…andt henmoveon. - Ir eal l yl ovet her emi ndert obei nt henow whi l enotl et t i ngal l t hati shappeni ngkeepyouf r om enj oyi ngy ourbes tl i f e .Ine ed t ot akemor et i met obr eat handcent ermysel fsot hatIcan appr oac heveryt hi ngc omi ngupwi t hbet t erpe r s pect i ve . We don’t have to believe every passing thought/emotion that comes across our mind as real or true ”Which wolf will win?....The one you feed” Friendship “Dating” Romance

BE HONEST–BE KI ND –BE FAI R Ment alMakeover–Youbecomewhatyout hi nkabout -

I ti si mpor t antt hatwet aket het i met ot hi nkaboutt hegoodqual i t i eswe have ,whatwecanbr i ngt oourr e l at i onshi ps.I fwef ocust oomuchon wher eweneedt oi mpr ov e,wewi l lnev erseeourpot ent i alandval ue What Romance Needs to Include (Stereo Aspects) Know (facts & truth about the other person) Trust (what we believe about others; do we feel they have integrity) Rely (Level of dependence on another; can you count on them) Committed (the relationship is a choice; do you stick with it?) Touch (intimacy; if it comes first you lack a foundation (knowledge/trust)

We don’t fall in love, we grow in love

8

“Love is more than an emotion…it is also a verb” (emotion changes, but the verb is constant)

-

I love how this shows us that we can have problems in relationships and frustrated times without losing love. This is where commitment comes in. We should go into relationships willing to work because we want it, rather than expecting it to be easy. Love as an emotion comes and goes with individual situations. Love as a verb remains constant because of prior determination.

Communication: “What others say and do may be a stimulus, but it is never the cause of our feelings” ***Think in terms of your needs, not judgments (people don’t know until you express them: “I feel….because I….”) The Benefits of Marriage Three Views of Marriage Physical Health

Mental Health

*Financial* Sexual

Couple Relationship Social Institution

Divine Institution

Idi dn’ tr eal i zet her ewer efinanci albenefit saf t ermar r i age.I t houghtt hatbei ngsi ngl ewoul dbeeasi ermoneywi se.When mar r i ed,youspendl es sandsav emor e;i ti sact ual l yagr eat bar r i eragai nstpover t y

“View Marriage as a Blessing, not a Barrier” Causation: entering marriage allows for these benefits to be gained  Myth: men are the only ones to benefit from marriage...a good marriage enlarges and enriches the lives of both men and women; however, on average men have more room for improvement from marriage than women. In God’s plan, marriage is not a Individualism: worried about personal capstone but a CORNERSTONE development; delay marriage because of careerism and need for individual growth, marriage will get in the way. - It was interesting to see that this is a threat to marriage. While not based in terrible ideas, too much focus on individualism is not a great perspective. We grow in relationships. This can not be done all alone.

9

Childhood affects Adulthood -

Ambiguity feels safer than clarity when clarity  increased risk of rejection/loss – Parental relationship insecurity  serious attachment insecurities later on – Commitment asymmetry = when the person most committed has the least power

Engagement is the strongest symbolic representation of commitment Ar ewea t r i s ko f s l i d i n gr a t h e r t h a nd e c i d i n g ?( n o t j u s t wi t hr e l a t i o n s h i p s , a n yi mp o r t a n t p r o b l e ms / s i t u a t i o n s . Wh e nd oI p u t o ffad e c i s i o nu n t i l i t i sb a s i c a l l yma d ef o rme ? ) * Ineedt or ememberact i ngonmyagencyi scr uci alt ol i vi ngi nf r eedom*

What part of my childhood is affecting my ability to have a fulfilling relationship now? I should think about how my problems with my dad may cause trust issues with my husband now; I need to figure out how I can work that out to keep my marriage Ineedt omakemhe lthy t hana“ t r ansi t i onofl oss” -

I have a really hard time because of how individualistic I am. I have previously felt like there was freedom with finances and my schedule. These are aspects that have changed with marriage. What are the benefits that outweigh this fear?

Married people live longer, suffer less from illness, recover quicker, less risk taking behavior MARRIAGE PREMIUM – marriage pushes spouses to do their best; make more important decisions

Marriage Matters…It is a public good

God’s lens vs. the world’s lens *Sunglasses: world’s view is darker; we can’t understand the difference until we take those sunglasses off.

“ Tomakeourt i meher eme ani ngf ul ,weneedt ol i veand exper i enc eGodor dai nedpur posesofmor t al i t y–f ul l y,

10

c ompl et e l y,whol e he ar t edl y…r at hert hanbec omi ngdi s t r ac t ed byt hi ngst hatar ei nt er es t i ng,c omf or t abl e ,andc onveni ent ”

“ Youre xpec t at i onsf ormar r i agewi l lnotal lbeme t ;t her e wi l lbeal otofr eal l yhar dmoment s…buti twi l lal sobr i ng t hehi ghes tmoment s ”

“Your relationships are what you make them. We determine their potential.”

Eternal Perspective about Marriage TheThr eeVi ewsofMar r i age–whenwef oc usont hedi vi nei nst i t ut i on,wear e f oc usi ngont hedeeperf oundat i onalaspect s.( chi l dr enar est ake hol der s)

Our marriage should contribute to build the kingdom of God (eternal families)

“FAMILY LIFE HERE IS THE SCHOOLROOM WHERE WE PREPARE FOR A FAMILY LIFE THERE” -

Through eternal marriage, we can obtain all blessings Father wants to give us. Bearing and raising children helps us develop our capacity to become like God

“We do not always know how or when blessings will present themselves, but the promise of Eternal Increase will not be denied any faithful individual who makes & keeps sacred covenants” *Bearing children is neither easy nor convenient, but it is a commandment that helps us realize the real blessings of mortality*

MARI TALDEPTH - Commi t ment - Sacr i fice/For gi ve ness Adv er si t y

“more than what I want and need” ideas *successful marriages require more depth*

11

enanting with God “In order to build the kingdom of God, we as men and women must build each other up”

TWO HANDS – the load is still heavy, but more manageable; y together There is no limit to what you can accomplish

carry it farther

when you work together & with God.

“Obedience brings blessings; exact obedience brings about miracles” Don’t be afraid to stand up for marriage

12

What I Am Going to Do (Act on Principles) Oneoft het hi ngsf r om t hi sUni tIwantt omakesur et ost ar t i mpl ement i ngi nt omyl i f ei st ounder s t andandappl yt hegol den ci r cl e.Il ovet heemphas i sPr of e ssorHi l lhasbeenmaki ngonl i vi ng y ourwhy .Idon’ tt hi nkIhavegi venal otoft houghtt omycent e r f ocusofwhyIam doi ngwhatIam doi ng.Iwantt ot akemor et i me t or eal l yunder st andmypur posei neachaspec tofl i f e.Oneofmy whysi st hatIwantt ober eadyf ormot her hood.Iwantt obeas pr epar edaspossi bl et obeagoodi nfluencef ormyf ut ur ec hi l dr en. Thatmeanst hatIneedt of ocusonme.Iwantt obecomemor e c ommi t t edt ot hegos pe lpr i nci pl est hatIwi l lexpectmychi l dr ent o have.Someofmywhatwi l lbecr eat i ngabet t erhabi tofr eadi ngmy scr i pt ur es,pr ayerandpr i or i t i zi ngf ami l y .Iam goi ngt obegi nset t i ng dai l ygoal sf ort heseas pec t s . Anot heras pec tofUni t1Iwantt oi mpl ementi st hatof mar r i agedoesi nf ac tr esul ti nfinanci albenefit s.Ial wayst hought t hatwhenIgotmar r i ed,Iwoul dbemor est r essedandIknew t hat moneywoul dbeahar dt hi ngf ormet owor kwi t hsomeoneon. However ,Ihavef oundt hati ti she l pf ulhavi ngsomeonet ot al kt o whenl ooki ngt hr ought hebudge tandt hi nki ngt hr oughwhati s mos ti mpor t ant .Tyl er( myhusband)somet i me shasbe t t er per s pect i veonhow i mpor t antacer t ai nar eai st hanmeandIhave beenabl et ogr ow mor ewheni t ’ snotj us tmyi deas.Iwantt ohavea wee kl ysi tdownwi t hmyhusbandr egar di ngourfinance s.Iknow t hatwhenwedi scussi ti she l pf ul ,soIwoul dl i ket odosomor e of t en.Wewi l lsetadayeac hwee kt ot akeaf ew mi nut e st ol ookover t hebudget ,wher ewe ’ r eat ,whatourgoal sar e ,i ft hosehave c hanged,andanyconcer nswehave.Thenwecandeci deonapl an ofac t i oni fnecessar y .Thi swi l lhe l pusdecr eases t r essbecausewe wi l lbeabl et owor koni ssuesbe f or et hey’ v egoneont ool ong.I n addi t i on,It hi nkt aki ngt i meeachwee kwi l lhel pourmont h financi al l yl ookbe t t erover al l .

13

I ndi vi dual i sm i ssome t hi ngIhaveandst i l lsome t i mes s t r uggl edwi t h.Il ov esc hoolandi nc r easi ngmyl ear ni ng.Il i ke havi ngf r e edom t ohavemyownschedul eandbeabl et of ocuson myeducat i onandper sonaldev el opment .However ,Idoseet hatmy mar r i agehasal l owedmet ogr ow i nwaysInevercoul dwhi l esi ngl e. Ihav egr ownt obemor eempat het i c.Andi ti sact ual l yagr eat s t r engt ht ohavesomeonewhosuppor t syoui ny ourendeavor s . Whi l eImaynotbeabl et oj ustac tf ormysel fanymor e,Iam s t i l l abl et ohav eper sonaldeve l opment ,andIam c omi ngt ot r ustt hat myhusbandbe l i eve si nt hat .Onet hi ngt hatIwantt odoi s c onsci ousl ydeci deonsomet hi ngIwantt ogr ow i ndi vi dual l ywi t h. Whe t hert hati sahobbyorski l lorl ear ni ng,somet hi ngt hati sf or me.Ont opoft hat ,Iwantt omakemor eofaneffor tt oi nc l udeTyl e r i nt hi ngs .It hi nki twoul dbegr eatf orust ohavease tasi dedi nner t i mewher ewear ef ocusedoneac hot he randt al kaboutourday . Thi swi l lhe l pmet oi nvol vemyhusbandmor ei nwhat ’ sgoi ngon andhel pmeseei nt er dependencef ori t sposi t i vebenefit s.

14

My Personal Philosophy of Marriage Marriage is a uniting of two people. When you make a marriage covenant, you are committing yourself completely to another person. Marriage is about more than what you can get from the relationship. Marriage is about coming together to grow to our full potential. It includes creating a family so as to continue God’s plan by bringing children into the world and raising them up with knowledge of their divine identity. For me, marriage means that you have a partner who will be there for you no matter what. You are each other’s support when times are stressful and you complement each other’s characteristics, helping to polish each other. While there are fun aspects of being single, I feel that marriage is really a huge benefit. Previous to marriage, I did not have the same philosophy. I worried marriage would make me dependent on someone else and limit my experiences in my early adult years. However, marriage has allowed me to enjoy a lot more because I have an adventure buddy to share everything with. In addition, I have been able to see marriage as something that is of even more eternal value than I did before. Previous to marriage, I was worried that having a spouse would mean that I would no longer progress as an individual. However, I have learned throughout this class that marriage is actually a promotion of our individual development. In order to have a strong marriage, we need to become more than we naturally are. That means personal increase in our values

15

and turning weaknesses into strengths so that we can help our marriage as much as we can. Overall, I believe that marriage is a crucial part of our eternal progression. We come closer to God as we become closer to each other. It is with God that a marriage builds a strong foundation. When we become married, we are united with someone and become even stronger than before.

16

Other Resources (Not from Class) Why Marriage, Why Family – Elder D. Todd Christofferson https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/04/why-marriage-why-family?lang=eng Elder Christofferson discusses how God’s plan is best fulfilled when a family is built on a marriage between man and woman. This is part of our path to becoming like God and becoming perfect beings. Marriage is part of the setting that allows for other people an opportunity to have physical bodies. I wanted to include this article because I feel like it is really important to include gospel sources for these units as marriage is an eternal concept. In addition, I feel like Elder Christofferson makes some really good points about what marriage is really all about. I also wanted to include it because marriage is something I have not fully grasped the importance of. I wanted to know more about its purpose because I recently got married and so it is very relevant. One part I liked the most was when he talks about how our choices should reflect our commitment to God and our “capacity to live His celestial law” which helps us to keep our estate that we have been given here on earth. I love the idea that what I am doing now is important for something in the future; it keeps me focused on progressing. Another aspect I liked was how marriage between a man and a woman “supplies the best environment for God’s plan to thrive.” Our marriage is important to God and it is a part of how I can contribute to God’s plan which is something cool I hadn’t thought about.

5 Strategies for Self-Compassion https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-strategies-for-self-compassion/ Talks about what self-compassion is, it's three components (self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness). It then goes in to dispel myths about self-criticism versus self-compassion. Self compassion is about seeing things the way they are. It is about alleviating suffering. It is about knowing that being imperfect is okay and helping yourself to try again when you make mistakes. I included this article because I appreciated the way it broke down self-compassion. This is the biggest takeaway I want to remember from the reading. How you need to have self-kindness, where you understand yourself when things are hard. In addition, it is important to recognize that you are not alone in your struggles; as humans, we share this aspect. And we have to be mindful; to “observe life as it is, without being judgmental or suppressing your thoughts and feelings.” I hadn’t really thought about the mindful part. It is okay to recognize that our life is not perfect and that it is hard sometimes. I like that self-compassion allows me to see the next step in that process.

17

9 Self-Compassion Exercises & Worksheets for Increasing Compassion https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/self-compassion-exercises-worksheets/ This article gives different ideas about how to foster self compassion in our lives. Some of these include treating yourself as you would a dear friend, expressing through written word: what you believe weaknesses AND strengths are, and identifying what we really want. I want to include this article in my tool kit because it explains a lot of tools for developing selfcompassion, something that I really struggle with in my own life. I tend to be overly self-critical, and I need to have structured ideas to help me transition into more positive behavior. I love that it gives opportunities to practice so that you can see how it would work. One of the specific parts I want to remember is trying to treat yourself the way you would a friend. I do know that I would be supportive of a friend even if they made a mistake. I know a lot about what to say when my friends are hurting or hard on themselves. I think that it is a great idea to write down how I would respond to a fr...