Love vs. Arranged Marriage PDF

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Love vs. Arranged marriage...

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Marriage has been described as one of the oldest and most enduring human institutions. However, the reasons for marrying have varied extensively from period to period and culture to culture. In many cases, marrying was predominantly an economic decision, which determined the suitor that the family could find for the daughter. In some cultures, a man's wealth was based on the size of his harem or the number of spouses that he maintained, while in other cultures, a young woman's family was expected to give a substantial dowry to her suitor. Throughout the centuries, women have found themselves in a moderately submissive role in courtship, marriage, and their everyday life. Many women were traditionally married to older men chosen by the girl's father or in other cultures some nuptials were organized by older women in the community like a matchmaker, whose opinions were rarely challenged by the people involved. In some cultures, marriage is such a life-changing decision that many believe it must be made by those with more experience, rather than to leave the choice of a spouse to the young involved. Some find that a love match as a foundation for marriage is a better route to happiness such as in Western culture. Love, physical relations, and the joys of infatuation are described extensively in the Hebrew Scriptures as the best way for both spouses to live a happy and fulfilled life. Love matches in general allow women the freedom to make choices and have more control of their own happiness. In love matches, women can make choices to better their futures. In the past, “the practice of marrying for economic reasons” was common because women did not hold jobs, therefore, she needed to marry for stability and make a life for herself. In the twenty-first century, women are able “to pursue advanced educations and careers, postponing or avoiding marriage entirely” ("An Opinion on Love Matches”49). With the advancements that women make in their education and careers, they can support themselves financially without the need of a male. If she has a successful career with a decent salary, then she can provide herself shelter, food, and other necessities to survive. Being financially stable means that the woman does not need to rely on a man to support her, so if she finds that her husband is verbally or physically abusive, then she can file for a divorce. Her advanced education and career gives the woman the freedom to make the choice to leave the man, or if she is very dedicated to the man she loves, the man can get professional help. A love match gives women the liberty to refuse men that they do not like and allow women to select men who they desire. A woman does not have to settle for a man who does not make her happy or who denies her the pursuit of happiness. She can look for a life partner that is attractive to her and understands her strengths and weaknesses, as well as what she needs. Contrary to an arranged marriage, where the family chooses the spouse for the women, “the choice of such an intimate and permanent relationship could only be made by the individuals involved,” which is the basis of a love match (Nanda 564). Parents know a great deal about their children, however, they do not know every little detail their child wants in a person. When two people in a love match get married it is usually only after knowing each other for a long time. The couple should have more than enough time to explore both the good and the bad traits each other possess, well before marriage. This can help them to develop a comfort level that is effortless after marriage.

With the benefits that a love match brings, it also can bring some disadvantages. When a woman finds a life partner on her own, without the help of her family, she has a greater possibility of marrying a man that is abusive. Sometimes a man will only show his best qualities, instead of the bad, because he wants the woman to love him and marry him, however, when he marries her, the domineering nature comes out. The abuse is not always physical; the abuse can be verbal, in which the male degrades the women to make her feel insignificant, and unworthy of love from others so that she will stay with him. An option for the woman is to file for a divorce to get away from the toxic relationship. Divorce and/or infidelity can occur in this situation, because the spouse desires to find someone that can take away that feeling of dissatisfaction. Love matches in general have a high divorce rate associated with it, and statistics show that “roughly half of all marriages today end in divorce” (An Opinion on Love Matches, 48). The divorce does not affect just the spouses; it can also affect their children, friends, and family. Many children end up living with their mothers, unless there was a significant issue in which the court gave custody to the father. In the past women that got a divorce form their husband were labeled as whores or were shunned by people who were thought to be friends; however, in modern times a woman is not looked down upon for getting a divorce, but there is tension created between friends the couple had together. The tensions occur because the friends do not want to favor one person over the other. Another complication in a love match that can occur is a decrease in compromises between the couple, because the spouse expects more from his/her partner. The high expectations occur largely in part because they fell in love before marriage and know what the person is capable of. Compromise and adjustments is the main foundation of an arranged marriage, which is one of the reasons arranged marriages last so much longer than love matches. This occurs because the married couple does not have any preconceived notions or expectations of one another. Most people who enter an arranged marriage believe that a “marriage is too important to be arranged by such an inexperienced person”; it is viewed as better for a parent’s experience and guidance in the choice (Nanda 564). In Nanda’s “Arranging a Marriage in India”, an Indian woman said that girls in America “are spending more time worrying about whether they will meet a man and get married. Here we have the chance to enjoy our life and let our parents do this work and worrying for us” (565). The Indian woman was accurate about how women looking for a love match do spend a lot of time and money to make themselves beautiful to attract a man. She was also right about how one’s life would be less complicated and stressful if one did not have to worry about finding a life partner by oneself. Once a marriage is arranged, and the couple is bound together it is highly unlikely that the couple will get a divorce, which cannot be said for a love match. Like a love match, arranged marriages also have many disadvantages. A draw back for a woman in an arranged marriage, is how she has to learn all the domestic duties required of her, and she has to learn everything she needs to know about pleasing the spouse, in a short time frame. In most cultures that practice arranged marriage, it is a patriarchal society that dominates. The ideal wife in this society “was expected to be subordinate to her father before her marriage,

subordinate to her husband after marriage, and subordinate to her son after he took over the household by succeeding his father” ("Love and Marriage: Social Regulations" 348-49). A woman in this society is not given the freedoms to make choices of her own, such as getting a divorce if she does not want to be married to the man. In most instances, a woman could not legally “divorce her husband; the idea of doing so, for whatever reason was considered absurd and preposterous” as well as socially “shameful for a woman but not a man” ("Love and Marriage: Social Regulations” 347). In the arranged marriage, “women who injured their husbands received much heavier punishments than husbands did for abusing their wives”, which is wrong because if the women cannot legally leave the husband by divorce, then she has to endure an abusive relationship without fighting back. Arranged marriages were also popular in the past, because the “marriage could create political and economic alliances” (“Marriage” 323). Arranged marriages were highly common in royal alliances and treaties of peace. A king or queen would promise a son or daughter to marry the other monarchy’s offspring as insurance for peace and trade. Some kings looking for wealth and power, would sell off their daughters to other royals in exchange for land, money, trading rights, and power. The king did not think about the best interest of the daughters; they were a means to an end, and they did not feel guilty for sending their daughters out to men they had never met. A young woman would spend “the rest of her life with a man she hardly knew, a virtual stranger, picked out by her parents” (Nanda 564). Another complication with an arranged marriage was the dowries or gifts “that consisted of household utensils, silver, land, furniture, textiles, and jewelry” (“Marriage and Divorce” 275). Even though dowries were prohibited by law in some countries, “every girl’s family, nevertheless, feels the obligation to give the traditional gift, as it was often an important factor in influencing the relationship between the bride’s and groom’s families and perhaps, the treatment of the bride in her new home” (Nanda 566). In some cases, the woman would mysteriously die; this was called “dowry death”, because if the woman’s family gave an unsubstantial dowry, the groom’s family would have the woman killed so he could marry again (Nanda 571). In an arranged marriage, “a good wife doesn’t deny her husband or make him force her” to be intimate with him (Kasindja and Bashir 467). “In America a woman can charge her husband with rape” if sexual relations were forced upon her without her expressed consent (Kasindja and Bashir 467). In most of these arranged marriages, the age for marriage is “fifteen for males and thirteen for females”, so a thirteen-year-old girl is being forced to have sexual relations with a man when she does not desire them ("Love and Marriage: Social Regulations” 348). In the non-fiction piece by Fauziya Kasindja and Layla Miller Bashir, the male that Fauziya was being forced to marry by her uncle already had three wives. The wives had already produced offspring so not only did she have to be subordinate to her husband, but to the older wives as well. Fauziya said that the life she had wanted for herself was over, because she would not be able to marry for love like she would have if her father had not died. Her uncle was very traditional in his ideals, so he was forcing her to have an arranged marriage; he was taking away her freedom to choose how she wanted to live her life and who she would live her life with.

Everyone should be allowed the freedom to choose whom they wish to spend the rest of lives with if they so choose to get married. Economic, cultural, racial, and religious factors have all played a major part throughout history to determine who an individual would marry, and which form the marriage took. Many have different reasons why they believe one marriage is superior to another and though many have varying ideas on which form of marriage is better, a love match is superior to that of an arranged marriage because it allows women to have more control of their own happiness and supports the independence of the women to make her own choices in life. In a love match there are some conflicts, but the positives outweigh the bad and a love match has a significantly lower number of negatives than that of an arranged marriage.

Works Cited "An Opinion on Love Matches." Family in Society: Essential Primary Sources. Ed. K. Lee Lerner, Brenda Wilmoth Lerner, and Adrienne Wilmoth Lerner. Detroit: Gale, 2006. 47-49. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 27 Nov. 2013. Kasindja, Fauziya, and Layla Miller Bashir. "Do They Hear You When You Cry?" World Views: Classic and Contemporary Readings. Eds. Darren Felty, et al. New York: Pearson, 2010. 464-77. Print. "Love and Marriage: Social Regulations." World Eras. Ed. Guangqiu Xu. Vol. 7: Imperial China, 617-1644. Detroit: Gale, 2003. 346-50. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 27 Nov. 2013. "Marriage." World Eras. Ed. John T. Kirby. Vol. 3: Roman Republic and Empire, 264 B.C.E.-476 C.E. Detroit: Gale Group, 2001. 320-24. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 27 Nov. 2013. "Marriage and Divorce." World Eras. Ed. Ronald Wallenfels. Vol. 8: Ancient Mesopotamia, 3300331 B.C.E. Detroit: Gale, 2005. 275-78. Gale Virtual Reference Library. Web. 2 Dec. 2013. Nanda, Serena. “Arranging a Marriage in India.” World Views: Classic and Contemporary Readings. Eds. Darren Felty, et al. New York: Pearson, 2010. 563-71. Print....