Psych 301 notes PDF

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Psych 301 -

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1/16/19 John Gottman pg. 2 – claims he can predict divorce with 91% accuracy after listening to a couple for 5 min. One of 1st findings: strong predictor of maintaining long term marriage if men could “accept the influence” of their wives o Basically, if he goes along with her suggestions o Predicts higher level of satisfaction as well o He later found this is bidirectional –wives also must accept husbands influence, but its stronger with male A 2nd finding: these men need the ability to tolerate their wives affect (emotions) o Handle her emotions, not get upset by them Another finding: The Four Horsemen 1. Criticism vs. complaint a. Criticism attacks the person – “you’re a lazy slob” b. Complaint attacks the problem – we’re in this together and we’ll fix it c. If you change your language you change your message 2. Defensiveness a. Masters vs. disasters b. Masters will not get defensive, but disasters (most people) will defend themselves c. When you start to defend you’re no longer dealing with the problem, it is not helpful to do this when you’re attacked 3. Contempt a. Emotion of disgust and looking down on someone b. “I can’t even believe that you would think like that” c. When someone corrects your grammar in an argument d. Body language – rolling your eyes e. Mimicking someone’s voice 4. Stonewalling a. Not engaging in the process at all – talking to someone and they just shut down, stop listening, walk away b. Flooding – overwhelmed with emotion so you can’t think i. Heart rate increases, sweating ii. More likely to stonewall c. On average, men are more likely to be stonewallers – goes back to original finding that men need to tolerate women’s emotions for a happier relationship The most toxic and dangerous to the relationship is contempt o If there is admiration there is more hope for a relationship 1/18/19 Carl w: divorce is the great American myth, because you will still have to deal with that person and the financial fallout of it Gottman – Why save your marriage? o People who stay married live 4 years longer than people who don’t  People who are lonely have higher incidences of cardiovascular disease

 If you’re in a contemptuous relationship your risk of cancer increases Gottman – Why does marital therapy fail? o He claims that teaching people communication does not necessarily improve outcome (example: Speaker-Listener Technique) o Gottman claims that people wait too long to go to therapy – 7 Years  Other research says 10 years - Speaker-Listener Technique o Person A Sends message 1 to Person B  B repeats message back to A  A responds yes, you got message right and message 2 happens…  OR B repeats message wrong and gets defensive  A says no and they continue till they get the message right o B sends message 2 to Person A  Repeat till they get it right and try to come up with a solution eventually o This system is flawed because it takes a long time and a lot of time arguments do not go this way, emotions get in the way of finding a solution  Flooding o Most people are incapable of doing this o Can be helpful in a workplace setting - 4 Horsemen start to ride in  beginning of the end, start a cascade of events  ultimately end in relationship disillusion aka divorce o Distance – in order to cope we begin to create distance o Parallel lives – each person starts doing their own thing o Loneliness – we feel like we don’t have our person, we are alone, no one has our back  Can lead to an affair - Take what could potentially be conflictual and throw it out the window because it’s not really important... not worth an argument, let it go - Virginia Satir o Mother of family therapy o Started Satir Family Camp in late 70s - Temperature reading o Appreciations o Bugs and possible solutions o New info o Hopes and wishes - Temp reading is a soft startup 1/28/19 The Science of Sex Appeal Video - Sex appeal is a biological imperative - Evolution drives how we choose partners, were always on the hunt for the healthiest genes - Women have a more complex sexual agenda than men - Choosing a mate is directed at passing on the best genes to offspring and what will give them the best chance for survival -

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Sex appeal begins with the face Plato – The Golden Ratio: the relative size to the small smart is the same as the ratio of the big part to the whole - Sex hormones are the reason for the differences in men and women’s faces o Masculine face = higher testosterone o Feminine face = higher progestogen - Symmetry of face is a sign for higher physical and genetic health o This is determined before we are even born - Faces can have subtle changes day to day o Women are more attractive when ovulating - Theorized that health and fertility are shown by curvaceous bodies and is more attractive - Its easiest to observe and asses sex appeal of bodies that are in motion - At night sex appeal is more related to voice - Women’s voices are rated as more attracted when ovulating 1/30/18 Video Notes Continued - Smell has a lot to do with sexual attraction to someone - Major histocompatibility complex (MHC): part of our DNA that determines which immune system is required to fight o No two people have the same - Women only liked a men’s smell if… o Within 2-3 days of ovulation o MHC genes of man had to be significantly different than their own - Women had negative reaction to scent of relatives, their odor is a sexual repellent o This is because they have a similar immune system and odors - Copulance: pheromones released by women that affect how sexy a man finds a woman - Testosterone is at the heart of men and women’s sex drive - Dopamine is the brain’s pleasure chemical o Correlate with elation and lust, all raise sex drive - The ventral tegmental area is where dopamine is made o They noticed this area was active with people in love - The caudate nucleus = primitive part of the brain, many factors from past experiences and present environment combine with dopamine to create an experience o Lights up when people are in love - Has evolution programmed us to stay in love just long enough to raise a child? o Dramatic spike in breakups after a couple is together for 4 years, enough for a child to survive o Theory that we pick one partner, which is different than other mammals, because we are bipeds - Vasopressin – a hormone important for kidneys, but also plays a role as a monogamy hormone in men - Oxytocin is more present in the brains of monogamous women - When searching for a partner, we decode faces, bodies, voices, and smells - Completing the evolutionary cycle (raising a child not just to survive but to prosper), which takes more than hormones, is something just human, we make decisions to stay with someone

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2/1/19 Gottman’s Ways to Predict Divorce: o Harsh Startup – negative aspect in a conversation o 4 Horsemen  presence predicts divorce with 83% accuracy o Flooding o Body Language o Failed Repair Attempts – anything you do to reconnect with your partner when distance is setting in, a way to low the level of arousal caused by flooding  Failure of this reaches into 90% or more prediction of divorce  It allows contempt to slip in o Bad Memories – how we remember things and the narrative we attach to them The death knell of the relationship: o You see your marital problems as severe o Trying to talk about things and solve problems does not work, unable to come to solutions o Feel helpless and hopeless, “nothing I do matters” o Begin to just take care of oneself and distance sets in, lead parallel lives, loneliness sets in Core dilemma of a marriage: how do I maintain my life and what I like and other person 85% of stone-wallers are men Toxic masculinity: not how you choose to spend your free time, but about suppression of feelings, inability to communicate feelings, inability to tolerate people’s feelings, and a lack of confidantes in life o It is a risk factor for men’s health – shorter life expectancy Men tend to escalate conflicts because they are biologically pre-exposed to do so o Why? Because of testosterone o They are also socialized to behave this way Fight, Flight, or Freeze are responses when faced with threat, also… Tend and Befriend: release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes you feel close to someone, released highest when breastfeeding, this is the response of women when faced with threat, it is also released after sex, this is the “bad decision” hormone, in the face of threat we move closer to that person The masculine counterpart to oxytocin, the bonding hormone, is vasopressin 2/4/19 Meta-Communication Process: talking about how we talk (image on exam) o Process: answers the question “how?” – how are we attempting to solve the problem o Content: answers the question “what?” – what is it that’s on Process (how?) the table in this moment that we are disagreeing about o Themes: answer the question “why?” – why do we keep having this argument/coming back to these things Content (what?) Gottman said “behind every conflict is a deep longing” o Ex.: longing for respect, to be heard o This is an example of a theme Themes (why?)

o He focuses on the why Fair Fighting Rules: 1. Take responsibility a. “I” statements: I feel _(emotion) when you _(situation)_ b. Don’t use judgements or accusations 2. Avoid using generalizations and/or exaggerations a. “always” and “never” b. leads to defensiveness 3. Stick to the topic 4. Stick to the here and now 5. Attack the problem, not the person a. Complain, don’t criticize (Gottman) 2/6/19 6. No violence a. Physical or verbal – name calling, cursing, character assassination b. Violence shows contempt 7. Take turns, don’t interrupt 8. Listen and hear the other person 9. Try to stay calm a. Soothing – soothe yourself and your partner, find a way to decrease your arousal, this can typically take around 20 minutes 10. Take timeouts 11. Don’t leave unless you say “I’ll be back” 12. Watch your nonverbal communication a. If verbal and nonverbal are not congruent it causes problems 13. Be honest 14. Be open to a solution 15. Don’t bother after drinking alcohol a. Don’t have big conflictual arguments late at night 16. Limit your conflict to 20 or 30 minutes 2/8/19 -

A second marriage has a 10% higher chance of divorce than a first marriage 67% of marriages end in divorce Staying in an unhappy marriage increases your risk of illness by 35% o If you are filled with contempt your immune system drops - 33% of divorces happen in the first 7 years *Extra credit: pull up 2 blogs and write a reaction paper to them messymarvelous.com* 2/13/19 -

Marriage – legal, social, or religious/spiritual contract? In ancient Greece, marriage was a fundamental institution, it was almost made compulsory o People who were not married were prevented from doing certain things o Single and childless men were viewed with scorn o Marriage was a practical arrangement based on what would be the most advantageous o Men were likely to be in their 30s and women in their teens

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Early in the Christian church, marriage was frowned upon o They believed marriage and family were distractions on the path to salvation o It was ideal to remain single and celibate - The 15th-18th century is when people started thinking about love as a purpose of marriage - Prior to the 15th century, marriage was just a way to strengthen your position to gather more territory, it was an alliance o It started out as a legal contract - The Victorian era was the first to make marriage more of a pivotal piece of a person’s life o Love became the purpose of emotions, obligations, and satisfactions o Marriage was seen as a private relationship between 2 people rather than a legal contract or political or about economic powers or land - By the 18th century, the period of enlightenment, love was the most important criteria for choosing spouse o Marriage became a private contract with public consequences - In 1839, Mississippi was the first state to grant women the right to hold property in their own name but only with their husband’s permission - In the 1800’s men and women were viewed by society as incomplete without each other o If a woman worked outside the home, her earnings belonged to her husband o Even if they divorced, the husband kept all her earnings and their kids - In the late 1800’s, the age of consent (deciding to get married) was 10, 11, or 12 o In Delaware, it was age 7 - In the 20th century there were significant transitions in sexuality and gender o Cars were the reason people started going on dates o Love and marriage became vital to most people’s sense of personal identities - In the 1920’s we had the first sexual revolution o Popular culture embraced sex - In 1948 the California Supreme Court became the first state-high court to declare a ban on interracial marriage as unconstitutional - In 1967, Loving vs. Virginia, the Supreme Court decided it was legal for interracial marriages - In 1969, California adopted the first no-fault divorce, allowing divorce by mutual consent - By the 1970’s, women had access to birth control and other rights - Marriage: a legal and socially recognized relationship that includes sexual, economic, and social rights and responsibilities for both partners o It is about forging bonds between extended families, creating and raising children, and continuing family lineage 2/18/19 Pros of Arranged Marriage - Decreases the expectations - Avoidance of awkward dating - Shared values and belief systems o Decreases risk of incompatibility in the long run - Cultural and familial support to decrease the risk of divorce - Financial, emotional, and real support during times of hardship - Increased trust in the in-laws

Cons of Arranged Marriage - Increase in unwanted influence - Increased risk of staying in an abusive relationship 2/20/19 Same Sex Marriage Rights Overtime - Baker and O’Connell Court Case: gay marriage license declined, supreme court denied in 1972 - In 1973 Maryland was first state to pass a statute banning same sex couples - 1996 Bill Clinton allowed states to refuse to recognize same sex marriage (DOMA) - 2004 Massachusetts became first state in US to allow same sex couples marry* - In 2005 California legislature was first to pass freedom to marry bill & in 2007 - In 2008 anti-gay forces push through Proposition 8 (an anti-gay restriction of same sex marriage) - In 2010 people in California began challenging prop 8 as unconstitutional - DOMA: defense of marriage act o Used to challenge prop 8 o Clinton signed this - In 2014, US Supreme Court denies review in 5 different marriage cases, clearing the way for lower court rulings to stand and same sex couples to finally have the freedom to marry in more states - In June 2015, US Supreme Court rules in favor of freedom to marry in Obergefell vs. Hodges ruled to strike down marriage bans in the remaining 13 states that still discriminated same sex marriage, so it was now allowed nation wide Alternatives to Marriage - Polygamy: 2 types o Polygymy: one husband with multiple wives  People believe this is adaptive because men can constantly produce more children while women must wait 10 months o Polyandry: one wife with multiple husbands  Believed to be more likely in societies with scarce environmental resources and remote places - History of Polygamy is in the LDS church – Mormons - In 1879 courts began to prosecute people who practiced polygamy - In 1904 the church prohibited new plural marriages 2/22/19 - Polyamory: typically, a primarily relationship where the partners have certain rules and agreements about their other relationships o In order to work, it has to be an arrangement in the relationship from the get-go Gottman’s 7 Principles: 1. Enhance your love maps (offsets contempt and mindlessness) 2. Nurturing your fondness and admiration (offsets contempt) 3. Turning towards each other instead of away from each other (offsets stonewalling) 4. Allowing your partner to influence you 5. Solve your solvable problems 6. Overcome gridlock 7. Create shared meaning

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80% of problems that are brought up by women are sticky marriage problems 69% of problems in marriages are perpetual problems

EXAM 2 NOTES 3/6/19 Theories of Love Attachment Theory – laid foundational pieces for theories of love first discussed by John Bowlby - The connection between child and parent (mothers) - People either have a secure attachment or non-secure; dependent on how responsive your parent is to your needs as an infant - This attachment affected the mental model inside the child’s head on what a relationship could look like; relationship with your romantic partner will follow these categories - Mary Ainsworth – came up with Strange Situation o a way of looking at mother and child relationship – kids in room playing with toy, stranger comes in then mother leaves - She said there is a secure relationship and then avoidant non-secure and anxious/ambivalent non-secure o Secure babies would settle down when mother reappears  Positive effect on relationships in the future o Avoidant non-secure babies would act angry or push away from the mother  Avoid conflict and feelings/intimacy o Anxious/ambivalent non-secure were upset and unpredictable, at times cling but also push away  Flood easily, highly emotional - Failure to thrive: unless you hold babies, they will not grow or develop properly 3/8/19 Zick Rubin 1970: romantic love is made up of 3 elements – - Attachment: need to receive care, approval, and to have physical contact with another person - Caring: valuing the other person’s needs and happiness as much as your own - Intimacy: sharing your thoughts, desires, and feelings with the other person Sydney Jourard 1929: Transparent Self discussed intimacy being self-disclosure - Intimacy was more of an emotional space, did not need to be physical Robert Weiss 1974: groups of social relationship provisions - Security o Attachment: usually found in romantic relationships or very close friendships o Nurturance: adult taking care of a child or someone else, gives people sense of feeling needed o Guidance: seek out advice or wisdom of trusted authoritative figure, we look for at times and is important to us as how to use the guidance of others - Affiliation (the absence of this creates loneliness) o Social integration (community): based on common concern network like job, school, club, etc. o Reassurance of worth: focuses on individual’s competence in their social role o Reliable alliance: trust, can I depend on you? Will you show up for me? March 18, 2019

3 Videos – RP 2 “To fall in love with anyone, do this” Ted Talk - People ask stranger 36 questions, then stare into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes o A “shortcut” to falling in love - Speaker said she heard of 2 people who did this and got married, so she gave it a try and fell in love - Her blog about her love life became international news - Continuously asked if they’re still together - 1997 first research/article written about these questions by Arthur Aaron, originally made to foster interpersonal closeness between college students and proved successful - Relatable b/c she just got out of a long-term relationship with her first love - People want the possibility of a guarantee of love indefinitely - “Falling in love is not the same as staying in love” - She said the title of her article was misinterpreted in the modern love column, it was the only part of her article she didn’t write - She wants to be “known, seen, and understood” in love - Not only about how to deal with your doubt in love but your partner’s doubt - As soon as you admit you love someone you have so much to lose - She said that love is a choice “How to Connect with Anyone” YouTube - 4 minutes of eye contact - They invited 12 people to try it out, some together for 2 months or 5 years - They said it feels unnatural – I think it would be awkward too unless it was with someone you already love - Afterwards some said it was wonderful and you could tell the couple felt good YouTube - She shared a minute of eye contact with everyone who sat in front of her o 2 - Her ex showed up a...