SFL 160 Writing Assignment #1 Family Interview & Intergenerational Analysis PDF

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Analysis essay on inner family functions....

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Family Interview Assignment 1

Family Interview Assignment Ondine Mikelle Morgan Garner

Brigham Young University SFL 160

Dr. Jenet Erickson January 28th, 2020

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Family Interview Assignment Throughout the process of interview and observation, I have identified strengths and weaknesses within my origin family that have been influenced by the patterns and formations of previous generations. My family is definitely unique in the sense that our strengths encompass our ability to express emotions through artistic, physical talents and our capacity to be ourselves around each other and those outside of our family. On the other hand, in correspondence with our highly emotional strengths, we are quick to misunderstand one another and make assumptions without taking the time to patiently listen and in addition to this we find it difficult to let go of anger and move on from negative past experiences. It is through these attributes that I have come to understand the ongoing structures of my family makeup.

Strengths Some of my earliest memories growing up involve running up and down the stairs of our little townhome, screaming and laughing, while trying to outrun the animated figurine of my dad. As an acting professor and past professional performer, he has used the art of theatrical embodiment to play with his children and interact with my mother as well as direct shows, throughout the community or at school, that give him a sense of purpose. Theater or some form of art always plays a large part in the culture of my family and according to my dad, “we are really talented at exploring our identity through creativity. I think it’s something that gives us direction because we have so much emotion inside of us and we need to get it out somehow.” My dad’s family growing up was very shut down when it came to expressing what they felt. Many

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times they dealt with it in harmful ways that caused long term damage for themselves and each other; with my dad being the youngest of his siblings he had to take it upon himself to develop coping tools to communicate what he was going through in a way that instead of destroying his emotional health, nourished it and allowed him to create something inspiring. It has been a truly sacred and treasured attribute that we as his children have adopted into our own psychological makeup. Although her artistic strategies differ, my mother is also a great example of one who uses physical expression as a mode of communicating her identity. She loves to act and paint but her main strengths come from her writing abilities. She has taken countless hours pouring over great works of literature and studying thought-provoking poetry and as a sixth grade teacher she requires her students to memorize at least one famous poem a month. My mom has taken the time to educate me and my siblings on the importance of strengthening others with our God-given talents. In her own growing up my mom wasn’t one to receive compliments. She grew up with parents who were pretty detached emotionally and taught that if you wanted something it was 100 percent up to you to get it. My mom wasn’t able to rely on her parents to help her understand who she was or what self-value she possessed so she really threw herself into external tactics, constantly seeking validation through physical manifestations. My dad mentioned that “[your mom] is probably one of the hardest working people I’ve ever met. When she was my student I had never met anyone with such a drive to create something beautiful and someone who always gave their full effort every time.” (Paper Interview - separate from questions, 2020). As discussed in Dr. Erickson’s lecture on family theory, my mom learned to

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draw upon the influences of exosystems (for ex. extracurricular school activities) instead of support from the microsystem to which she belonged. (Erickson Lecture, 2020) As a second strength, my family is one full of vulnerable people and because of that vulnerability we have always allowed ourselves to be who we are around each other and those outside of our family unit. This can either run people the right way or run them the wrong way but either or we wouldn’t be able to live with ourselves if we faked who we were. This has played a huge part in our shared sense of humor, which has united us together in so many capacities. The consistency of my family’s personalities has also allowed us to develop trust towards one another. I remember a time in highschool when I was struggling severely with some intense mental illness and carrying that burden of shame was nearly paralyzing but I knew my parents wouldn’t fake a solution. They would honestly offer their thoughts and reassure me, genuinely, that they loved me nonetheless. We as children and they as parents have always been able to comprehend each other’s emotions. In my dad’s words, “As parents, I feel like [your mom] and I do a good job of letting you kids know you are loved. That’s something neither of us had growing up so we’ve made it a priority together to change that.” (Paper Interview, 2020)

Weaknesses As I have mentioned previously in the strength section of this paper, both my parents come from highly energetic backgrounds, for better and for worse. Although that energy is used to create and provide a loving atmosphere in which me and my siblings can feel safe, it acts similarly to nitroglycerin. The emotional energy in my home is tenderly sensitive and when one experiences feelings of hurt, anger, hostility, neglect, and loneliness the comeback can appear as

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sudden and extreme. This leads to our first weakness of over-sensitivity; we react quickly without taking the time to understand other perspectives, then-so furthering the argument and creating a very hostile environment in which we all regret when situations simmer down. In Dr. Erickson’s lecture, we focused on the “impact that a father figure has on the development of social skills” in a child (Erickson Lecture, 2020). As a one year old, my father’s parents divorced after my grandfather cheated on my grandmother, whose then sense of self quickly depleted following the divorce. This lead to parental neglect, more specifically with the absence of my grandfather, that my father would undergo the majority of his childhood and adolescence. He grew up feeling excluded from his peers and lacked the desire to connect to other individuals. At home today, although he is very artistic and openly loving towards me and my siblings, he has a habit of checking out in the evenings by shutting himself in his room to watch television before bedtime. When it comes to social activities such as parties or get togethers in the community, my dad lacks all motive to attend even when his children are the topic of the activity. In my own father’s words, “I really never knew my dad. That made it really hard to be a decisive person because I never felt like I had anyone to look up to to get straight advice from.” (Paper Interview, 2020) My mother has also gone through her own parental neglect. My maternal grandparents remain married to this day but the rules established during my mother’s growing up would at times conflict. They were very strict when it came to moral, religious standards but there was constant physical abuse and limitations on my grandfather’s social capacity due to his hoarders disorder which he had inherited from my great-grandmother’s hoarding habits. Home life for my mother was a day to day process of walking around eggshells and being shamed for things that

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might have been too severe for a young child such as touching my grandfather’s objects. During vulnerable moments in her motherhood, she has complained passionately about how we children don’t respect what we have and that she would give anything to be where we are. My siblings and I have taken that to heart and have felt a constant pressure that we are never enough or can’t please my mom in the way she’d like us to. My mother’s relationship, or rather lack of relationship, with my grandfather has caused a severe barrier between her ability to balance self love with hard-work. She is convinced that you are only worth as much as the quality and quantity of your output. Due to my dad’s detachment and my mother’s perfectionism, our family battles with high stress environments that cause us to react out of harmony with one another. It is a difficult task for us to emotionally respond in a way that matches the situation and openly listening to each other is nearly out of the question. This ties in with the second weakness which involves my family’s inability to forgive; we are mercilessly stubborn. According to the 14th chapter of the book Introduction to Family processes, “Blaming one’s partner is a very common approach when people feel stressed in a relationship.” (Various, 2019, pg 411). When my parents first married nearly twenty three years ago some extremely unkind comments were made about their relationship and the result of their wedding was abysmal. My mother’s experience with her parents forgiving her for past mistakes is minimal so in response she holds onto to anger as if it identifies her; she cannot stand being in the wrong because she’s terrified she won’t be forgiven for it. To this very day, my mom viciously attacks my dad and blames him for the outcome of their wedding. My dad’s way of coping with this is to detach, then so encouraging my mom to continue the debate over why things went down the way they did. These attributes have carried themselves into the lives of my two adopted siblings who

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grapple with severe anger due to the way my mother has treated them over the years. With my dad being as buttoned-up and hands off as he is about sensitive topics, it has left a social wound in the workings of us children. Conclusion My intent in writing this paper is not to display my family as one apart from the rest of society. We are no more original than any other emotionally symbiotic unit and our imperfections are in result of the innate desire to connect and be loved. I’ve come to comprehend how powerful the bonds of the family are and even with especially broken families, children will watch and follow and traits will cascade from one stage to the next. My hope in identifying weaknesses and strengths from my origin family is that I will become the link in the chain to further healthy behavioural patterns and prevent unhealthy ones from continuing.

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References Erickson, J. (2020, January). Sfl 160 Lecture. SFL 160 Lecture. Provo, UT McGraw-Hill. (n.d.). Chapter 14: Stress, Abuse, and Family Problems. In Introduction to Family Processes: SFL 160. Morgan, D. (2020, January), Family Interview, SFL 160

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Interview Questions 1) What do you see as the biggest strengths of our family? a) Most of us have a really good sense of educational confidence; we value knowledge and want to incorporate it into our development. We are also talented at exploring our identity through creativity. One my favorite family strengths is our sense of down to earthness; we know it’s okay to be who we are. 2) What do you see as the biggest weaknesses in our family? a) It’s really easy to become misunderstood while we are communicating, and I think that comes from our fear of judgement. We are way too volatile in our emotions and allow our emotions to run us instead of us running our emotions. We need to learn to calm down and take things slow. 3) What are the biggest strengths you see in the relationship you have/had with your parents? With your siblings? a) Because of all the dysfunction I went through with my parents, especially my dad, I was able to gain a real sense of forgiveness and letting go. There is also so much mental illness in everyone that my familiarity with it has helped me to better deal with it in our own family. I’m grateful that all those hard times that made it easier to tell myself everything would work out in the end. 4) What are the biggest weaknesses you see in the relationship you have/had with your parents? With your siblings? a) I felt a lot of manipulation from my mother and I was forced to do things I shouldn’t have been asked to do as her child. I felt used and caught between my

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siblings who also felt the exact same way. Because I had no dad that made it extremely hard to feel like I had any sense of self and identity. It’s also been hard with everyone being so dispersed throughout the country. That made it really hard to be a decisive person because I never felt like I had anyone to look up to to get straight advice from. 5) What are the biggest strengths you see in the relationship you have with your children? a) I feel like you guys can trust in me to be there for you when you need it. I think you guys know that I would never manipulate you into doing something that I found important. I’m hands-off but you guys know that I will always be there to help you guys whenever you need. I also believe that you should pursue whatever makes you feel happy. Your mom doesn’t agree with me on that one. As parents, I feel like your mom and I do a good job of letting you kids know you are loved. That’s something neither of us had growing up so we’ve made it a priority together to change that. 6) What are the biggest weaknesses you see in the relationship you have with your children? a) I often feel like I’m caught between trying to please you guys and also trying to please mom. I think I’m a little too indecisive because I’m worried about pushing your mom farther away from me. I think I could work on that balance between complimenting both sides in the family. 7) How have the strengths and weaknesses you mentioned influenced your life in the past? a) It’s forced me to come to terms with myself. I’ve been able to face the things I don’t like about myself and constructively change them. My situations have, out

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of necessity, made me know myself better. All of these things have given me balance and security in my identity. 8) How do the strengths and weaknesses you mentioned influenced your life today? a) Pretty much the same as what I said to last question but more advanced. I’m getting better and better at coping with my inner insecurities and life terrors. I feel like I’m better at letting go of hurt and anger which allows me to be there for my family in ways I wouldn’t be able to with those negative emotions. 9) Where do you feel these strengths and weaknesses came from? a) Me figuring out how to be happy and love myself. Because my parents had no self worth I had to get examples from elsewhere like God. At first it was very hard to connect with God because I didn’t have a father figure to connect to. But overall they’ve helped me to develop a stronger foundation in moral standards and spirituality. 10) Do you feel the family has ever attempted to work on the weaknesses you mentioned? If so, how? Was this effective? a) We are pretty open and honest about what our family struggles with and I think we’ve been able to sit down and openly discuss what we need to improve so there’s eventual accountability there. We fall right back into our old habits pretty fast which can sort of defeats the purpose of discussing them. Your mom and I have tried to distill good values in you guys and I think they’ve mostly come across as helpful.

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