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TWEAK: GROWING UP ON METHAMPHETAMINES NIC SHEFF

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TABLE OF CONTENTS OVERVIEW

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CHAPTER SUMMARIES AND ANALYSES

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Part 1, Chapters 1-4 Part 1, Chapters 5-11 Part 2, Chapters 12-16 Part 2, Chapters 17-21 Part 2, Chapters 22-26 Part 2, Chapters 27-32 Part 2, Chapters 33-38 Part 2, Chapter 39-Afterword

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KEY FIGURES

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Nic Sheff Zelda Spencer Nic’s Father Nic’s Mother Karen Lauren Gack

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THEMES

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SYMBOLS AND MOTIFS

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IMPORTANT QUOTES

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ESSAY TOPICS

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OVERVIEW Nic Sheff’s 2007 memoir, Tweak, focuses on Nic’s early 20s, during which he experienced two serious relapses and attempts to recover and remain clean from drugs. Throughout the narrative, Nic reflects on his troubled youth and his early history with drugs and alcohol. The memoir comprises his recollections of events that transpired over the course of a number of years. Nic narrates his struggles in the present tense, allowing the reader to experience the relapses and recoveries along with him. Plot S Summa umma ummary ry The memoir begins with an anecdote about Nic’s first experience with addictive substances at the age of 11, when, for the first time, he got black-out drunk. He also mentions that alcoholism runs in his family. Throughout his teen years, Nic continues to experiment with a variety of drugs, from pot and ecstasy to cocaine and heroin. Eventually, he becomes addicted to crystal meth, his drug of choice. By the time Nic reaches his early 20s, he has already gone through numerous treatment programs and experienced a number of relapses and recovery periods. Part 1 of Tweak focuses on how Nic became a drug addict, culminating at the peak of his drug use: His addiction to crystal meth. The author begins the story in San Francisco, at the time of his most recent relapse. He relapses because he is distraught over a toxic relationship with Zelda, an older woman and drug addict whom Nic has left behind in Los Angeles. Very quickly, Nic connects with an exlover and drug addict, Lauren, and befriends his dealer, Gack. Nic and Gack begin to deal and do drugs together regularly, and Nic’s drug use quickly spirals out of control. When Lauren overdoses and Gack’s plan to sell diluted drugs fails, Nic questions his return to drug use. He calls his sponsor in Los Angeles, Spencer, who convinces him to get clean. Part 2 focuses on Nic’s slow and painful path to sobriety. He grapples with the 12step program, mental illness, feelings of inadequacy, and his attempts to reunite with his broken family. His most persistent struggle is lack of faith in a higher power. Nic recognizes that faith is a crucial part of the 12-step program, a strategy that has helped him in the past, but he cannot manifest a genuine belief in a higher power. Despite making it to one year of sobriety, he continues to feel lost and anchorless.

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Nic’s toxic relationship with Zelda also hinders Nic’s progress toward recovery. His obsession with her leads him away from the 12-step program, his friends, and his family. When Nic realizes that Zelda’s own recovery and sobriety is a lie, he relapses again. He uses heavily. After a near-death experience and a drug-fueled breakdown, Nic’s parents force him to enter another inpatient treatment program. Though Nic is initially unwilling and skeptical, he comes to trust in and benefit greatly from this dual-diagnosis program, which treats his addiction as well as the mental illness and trauma fueling it. The memoir ends on a hopeful note, with Nic declaring that he has benefitted greatly from treatment. Nevertheless, in the Afterword, he confesses that he has relapsed since. Though the relapses did not involve hard drugs and he was able to seek help quickly, Nic acknowledges that he will always struggle with addiction and be an addict.

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CHAPTER SUMMARIES AND ANALYSES Part 1, Chapters 1-4 Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 1 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Da Day y 1” Nic portrays himself as having experienced a fall from grace. At 17, he was “accepted at prestigious universities across the country” (1); he maintained a 4.0 GPA, was on the swim team, spent precious time with his family, and was even published in Newsweek. However, during this time, Nic admits, he was simultaneously drinking and smoking pot regularly. He felt entitled to “a little partying” (1). Now, he is 18 months and two days sober and about to relapse. The immediate cause is the fact that Zelda, the woman with whom he is having an affair, is pregnant and re fuses to leave her boyfriend. Nic runs into Lauren, a high-school girlfriend who went to rehab for bulimia and cocaine addiction. Though she has also been clean for four months, the two plan to relapse together and purchase crystal meth from a dealer named Gack. Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 2 Su Summary mmary mmary:: “Da Day y 4” Lauren convinces her parents that she has not relapsed. Nic, on the other hand, knows that his family no longer believes him. He details how he refused to believe that he was becoming an addict even as he began to lie to and steal from his family. Nic is aware that what he has done to his family is wrong, and he is incredibly ashamed. He refers to his situation as “this horrible vicious cycle,” and writes that “when I reached a certain point with my drug use, going back just seemed like too far a journey” (20). Instead, Nic buys more drugs from—and becomes close with—his dealer, Gack. The two shoot up together and hatch a plan to use Nic’s savings to buy drugs, dilute them, and then distribute them on the street. Under the influence of both crystal meth and heroin, Nic is thrilled with their plan and feels pleasantly numb, “not giving a damn about one goddamn thing” (28).

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Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 3 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Da Day y 5” Nic breaks into his father’s house with Gack. He wonders whether his family is aware of his relapse. He “imagine[s] them walking in, looking around—those first moments of doubt and realization” (29). Nic then takes Gack to the house of a family friend and the two spend the night there. The next day, as they drive around, Nic’s stepmother, Karen, spots them. Nic manages to evade her in a car chase, but the experience jars him. He thinks about everyone he has left behind and whether it really is too late to go back. He reasons that it is and talks himself into believing that “things aren’t so bad” and that he does not owe anyone anything (35). He continues to use heavily, experiencing paranoia and hallucinations. Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 4 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Da Day y 6” Nic and Gack continue to obtain, dilute, and sell drugs on the street. Gack tells Nic that he has an associate, Joe, who is moving to another state and is willing to “hook us up with his connection, so we can start dealing directly from them” (42). Gack confirms that he trusts Joe and that he has known him for a long time. Joe seems happy to bring them on board as his successors. He imparts dealing wisdom, expounding “on the virtues of coldhearted bloodthirstiness” (44). Joe doubles down on this when he then steals from both and flees. Nic suspects that Gack planned all of this, but Gack denies it and admonishes Nic for being too open and soft-hearted. The two reconcile and decide to continue selling. Though Nic is disturbed by the violence that comes with dealing, he resolves that it is easy, profitable, and much better than prostituting himself for money, as he had done in the past. Part 11,, Chapte Chapters rs 1-4 An Analys alys alysis is This set of chapters introduces Nic as a person and addict. Nic struggles with mental illness and a chaotic family history. He implies that his parents’ divorce and separation was traumatic and continues to have a destabilizing impact on his life. While dealing with these issues, he has easy access to drugs and alcohol and grows up in a culture that promotes drug use. Though Nic begins to experiment with drugs recreationally, he soon turns to them to escape his emotions, his trauma, and his mental illness. Nic is cognizant of the fact that the more he escapes through drugs, the more problems he has to escape from, but, as he notes, the vicious cycle continues, and drugs are at least able to provide him with temporary respite. Nic himself is surprised at his situation: COPYRIGHT 2019

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But I still had this feeling like it could never happen to me . I had a 4.0 in high school, for Christ’s sake. I was a published writer. I came from a good family. Besides, I was too young to really be an addict. I was just experimenting, right? (18). This statement reveals Nic’s denial about his substance abuse, a theme that persists throughout the memoir, whether Nic is sober or using. His stories also speak to the pervasiveness of substance abuse in modern society, particularly in the United States. Nic’s experiences with buying and selling drugs attest to the fact that drugs permeate all levels of society, from wealthy and privileged youth like Nic to very poor youth like Gack. Both Nic and Gack ha ve easy access to drugs through their familial and social circles. They do not, however, have the same access to treatment and money. Part 1, Chapters 5-11 Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 5 Su Summary mmary mmary:: “Da Day y 9” Unbeknownst to Lauren’s parents, Lauren and Nic are living in their house while they are away. Lauren and Nic are using heavily. Lauren pushes Nic to define their relationship, but Nic remains evasive. He thinks about Zelda, the woman whom he sees as his only true love; he sees Lauren, by contrast, as a temporary solution. He can live at her luxurious house, sampling her father’s wine collection and cooking extravagantly. On the side, he can deal on the street with Gack. He deludes himself into thinking that he will be able to make a profit despite his admission that they are using more drugs than they sell. Nic’s ideal situation collapses when Lauren overdoses and he must revive her. After their trip to the hospital, both continue to shoot up. Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 6 Su Summary mmary mmary:: “Da Day y 10” After Nic congratulates himself for being “the greatest hustler in the goddamn world,” (80) he is forced to face the consequences of Lauren’s hospitalization. Her parents plan to return home immediately and beg Nic to convince Lauren to live at her therapist’s house for a week. Though Nic promises to do what he can, he is more concerned about losing his luxurious living situation. He continues to shoot Lauren up, lamenting that he ever called the paramedics and writing that “all this luxury living is over. I bring Lauren’s coffee down to her and find myself kinda COPYRIGHT 2019

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wishing I never called the goddamn ambulance in the first place. She would have been fine” (77). Nic also worries that “even the meth isn’t getting me that high anymore” (77). Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 7 Su Summary mmary mmary:: “Day 15” Nic and Gack run into trouble when they cut the crystal meth they intend to sell with vitamin B powder. The batch is ruined, but Gack convinces Nic to sell it regardless. Unhappy customers tell everyone about the defective drugs, and Nic and Gack lose business. Nic questions whether his relapse was worth it and recalls “back to my life sober–working, getting up early to go on bike rides and shit, going to movies. I haven’t looked at a newspaper in over two weeks […] but this is the life I want to live, right? I mean, I’m happier” (93). His panic increases when Lauren reveals that her parents are coming home soon. Lauren tries to calm him down by promising that they can live in her car together, get sober, and have a baby. Nic admits, “I kinda wish I’d left her in fucking Santa Cruz” (96). Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 8 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Day 16” Nic leaves Lauren’s house before her parents arrive. When he meets up with Gack to try and sell more of the diluted crystal meth, they run into trouble. Someone tries to rob them and Nic wonders, “What the fuck is happening to us? […] Doors are closing” (99). Gack confirms that their unhappy customer spread the word about their defective drugs and that people no longer want to buy from them. Nic has to talk Gack out of beating up the unhappy customer. Nic convinces Gack to go to Glide Memorial Church for dinner instead. Nic remembers volunteering at their soup kitchen when he was younger. Despite his shame and paranoia that he will be seen by someone who knows him, he notes that “[t] he food actually tastes great. I eat it all” (105). Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 9 Su Summary mmary mmary:: “Da Day y 23” Nic says that “it’s been five days of basically nothing but shooting drugs, selling bags of crystal here and there, sleeping in my car—if at all” (109). Amid this, Nic prepares to meet with Lauren, her parents, and her therapist to discuss their future. He admits to Lauren that he is ready to get help, and she suggests that they indulge in one last binge. Nic refers to it as “one more run–blow it all out till the end” (118). The two stay at the San Remo Hotel and use for days. When all the drugs and money run out, they return to Lauren’s house. Nic wonders how much COPYRIGHT 2019

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longer he can keep living like this, telling Gack that San Francisco will kill them and that he is thinking about getting clean. As he continues to unravel, he remembers the life he had before his relapse and writes that he “can’t even remember why [he] started using again in the first place” (117). Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 10 Su Summ mm mmary: ary: “Da Day y 26” Nic and Lauren meet with her parents and therapist and agree to get clean. Her therapist suggests that rather than going to rehab, Nic and Lauren live together in a place where the therapist can keep an eye on them. Provided that they pass their drug tests, they can go to meetings, meet with him, work, and have their rent and food paid. Nic is eager to accept, thinking that “It sounds perfect, you know? I’ll be taken care of” (121). Lauren agrees but is less than thrilled. She becomes even angrier when her father asks Nic to give them some space for a few days. Eager to stay on his good side, Nic agrees and goes to say goodbye to Gack and “maybe get high one more time—just one more time” (122). He gets so high that he sneaks back into Lauren’s house. Part 11,, Chapte Chapterr 11 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Da Day y 27” Nic becomes violently ill after his last high and even begins to pray: “I pray out loud to a God that I don’t even believe in” (125). He calls his father for help, but his father refuses, so he calls Spencer, his sponsor in Los Angeles. Spencer good-naturedly and light-humoredly convinces Nic to return home. He tells him that he has missed him and that he does not “have to prove anything anymore” (126). After saying goodbye to a hurt and angry Lauren, Nic uses the last bit of his money to buy a one-way ticket from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Spencer picks him up at the airport, telling him that they will go to a meeting right away the next day. Part 11,, Chapte Chapters rs 5-11 Ana Analy ly lysis sis Nic’s drug use peaks and spirals out of control. He is self-congratulatory and unashamed about using Lauren and her parents to live luxuriously at their expense. If he can do so and make a profit by dealing on the side, he reasons that it is the perfect way to live. This plan allows him to remain partially in denial about his drug use and downward spiral. Nevertheless, he admits on numerous occasions that his money is running out and that they are using more than they sell. His denial is not complete, especially as he contemplates getting clean more frequently.

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Nic’s downward spiral also causes him to reflect on his past. He writes about his deep depression and inability to maintain a high. Rather than fixating on Zelda, he writes that he can barely remember why he decided to relapse. Given his father’s reaction to his phone call, it’s understood that this is just Nic’s most recent relapse in a long line of painful relapses, and that his family has truly had enough. Spencer’s willingness to help Nic immediately, however, speaks to their past in the 12-step program and Spencer’s devotion and obligation to Nic as his sponsor. Spencer’s willingness also underscores that there are people who are willing to help Nic should he truly want to help himself. Part 2, Chapters 12-16 Part 2, Cha Chapter pter 12 Su Summ mm mmary: ary: “Day 32 32”” Nic begins the grueling process of detoxing, clinging to Spencer and the 12 steps as “the only things I have” (131). Despite his inability to reconcile with the idea of a higher power, Nic writes that he trusts Spencer and that he can no longer “afford to question it anymore” (131). Spencer convinces Nic to go biking, a favorite old pastime, despite the fact that he feels physically ill and exhausted. He also convinces Nic to make a list of all of the things he desires out of life and promises that “in one year from today, one year, if you follow this program to the best of your ability, you will have everything you wanted and more” (134). Nic is skeptical but makes a list which includes getting healthy, getting a car, and having a career, a relationship, friends, and his family’s forgiveness. Part 2, Cha Chapter pter 13 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Da Day y 59” Spencer continues to help Nic, lending him money and answering his questions about recovery and the 12-step program. He encourages Nic to call his family, and to help others so “we don’t have to be thinking about ourselves all the time” (137). Spencer also takes Nic to meet his wife, Michelle, and his daughter, Lucy. Being around Lucy reminds Nic of his beloved stepbrother and stepsister, Jasper and Daisy, and his own troubled childhood. Though he insists that his childhood was not “that awful or anything,” (138) he questions whether he actually had one because of the adults around him who always treated him like an adult. Though he found it exciting then, he recognizes that he probably grew up too fast.

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Part 2, Cha Chapter pter 14 Su Summa mma mmary: ry: “Da Day y 92” Nic describes addiction as “a disease of amnesia” (142). The early phase of the recovery process, the detox, is incredibly difficult but also easy because the last thing he desires is to use again. However, as time goes on, he forgets “why [he] needed to get sober in the first place” and “the bad shit starts to not seem really that bad” (142). This makes relapsing easier because he forgets about the consequences. Nevertheless, Nic continues to rely on and talk with Spencer about his problems, particularly his inability to believe in a higher power and to pray. He also wonders whether some of his mental illness is caused by a chemical imbalance. Along with apologizing to an old girlfriend, Nic reestablishes contact with his mother. With Michelle ’s help, he also gets a part-time job at a hair salon as a receptionist. Part 2, Cha Chapter pter 15 Su Summary mmary mmary:: “Da Day y 124” After a particularly hard week, Nic is overwhelmed by how lonely and bored he is. He feels torn between biking, working, and going to meetings, and missing “the excitement” (150) of using drugs. Nic feels particularly inadequate and worthless without a girlfriend and starts thinking about Lauren and San Francisco. When he goes to check on his mom’s dogs, he is tempted to get high. He calls Lauren...