Quiz #3 Lecture Notes PDF

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Dr. Arroyo...

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**Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse 1. Criticism: behavior, personal characteristics, appearance meta-complaints 2. Contempt: feeling person is beneath consideration, worthless, being fed up, insulting, mockery 3. Defensiveness: not taking responsibility, countercomplaints, mind reading: “always” and “never” 4. Stonewalling: demand-withdrawal, emotional disengagement from relationship Importance of affect o Married couples: 5:1 ratio of positive to negative affect o Divorced: .8:1 ratio of positive to negative affect  Absence of positive affect more harmful than the presence of negative affect **Accommodation Principle  Explains why some people break away from negativity  Based on 3 ideas: o People retaliate others’ destructive behavior o Accommodation: overcome this tendency and engage in cooperative communication o Satisfying, committed couples are more likely to accommodate **Managing Conflict  Repair and de-escalate: prevents negativity from escalating out of control  Emotional flooding: physiological reaction to a perceived threat o Defensiveness, inability to problem-solve, empathize, etc. o Men & women experience flooding different  Men flood quicker and longer, stonewall to calm down  Women better able to calm down o Physiological self-soothing is how we deal with emotional flooding!!!  stop, step away for at least 20 minutes, don’t ruminate, relax, come back  Softened start-up o Complain, don’t blame  “I feel…” (an emotion)  about what… (ex: that the bills haven’t been paid)  “I need…”  Accept Influence/Take Responsibility o Finding a way to consider partner’s point of view is valid  If it’s a problem for your partner, it’s a problem for your relationship  Happiest, most stable marriages: husband doesn’t resist power sharing and decision making  Essential in same-sex relationships, but gay and lesbian couples are better at it 

**Healing the Hurt (Ch. 14)

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Commitment o Recall: cognitive choice to maintain relationship  Helps relationships buffer against the destruction of conflict and hurtful events (deception, infidelity, etc.)...